My Conversion Story Journal

June 3, 2025

Shavuot just ended. It is the commemoration of the giving the the Torah at Mount Sinai. There were so many great messages and moments of learning. The Rabbi visiting home taught about the Book of Ruth. It was a good message.

Then I did an all night Torah study, which is done the first night of Shavuot. I learned a lot about David and there were a lot of topics that it was amazing how they connected to the Torah. The last message, I admit, I was quite lost. Perhaps, because it was after 3am. Regardless of the last message that night, they were all wonderful.

That first night wasn't the end of it. There were messages throughout holiday during the prayer services, discussions during lunches and dinners, and a constant focus on Torah. It was wonderful.

The first day during the Torah reading, I felt like my joy returned. There has been a piece of me missing for a while (since my friend died) and I feel as though I got it back. I know it wasn't a person who filled my world with light again and made everything feel right as it once did. It was the knowledge that I was sitting right where I belonged.

When friends tell me, "that's too much! That's too much!" when they get a small glimpse of my life now, I know they are wrong. It's not about the things I do, it's about the faith and the love of G-d as to why I do what I do.

I have been so exhausted and focused on trying to prove why I'm here, but I don't have to prove that. I know why I'm here. I believe in the Torah, and I don't believe in anything else. There is no other place that I belong than here.

This holiday was no less exhausting than my past few weeks have been, but I feel filled spiritually. When entire days are filled with Torah and everyone around you is happy to learn and study also, how can it not be fulfilling?

How do I go from being around people, for days, so passionate about Torah to work where most people there haven't even heard a word of it or even believe in G-d? I don't know how tomorrow is going to go, but I'm going to bed tonight filled with stories and messages from Torah. That is enough for me.