Blog/Journal Type Entries

Checking In.

Hi.

Yes, it has been a week or two since I last wrote. Life always seems to swallow me whole.

I am here courtesy of a two week break from my daughter being in the house. She is currently at a hotel with her boyfriend for the next fourteen days. He came in from Seattle. They met on a gaming site, and things blossomed from a friendship.

Things have been tough emotionally for me. I spend most of my day in bed, doom scrolling and watching dumb videos. I blame the ever growing apathy that seems hellbent on destroying any ounce of joy I have. It sits, like a brick, in the middle of my chest. I do what I can to mitigate the spread, but think I am only succeeding half the time.

Zoe games on her computer about fifteen hours a day, only taking short breaks for eating or self care. She doesn't really hang out with me, or her step father. When she does leave the apartment, it is only in short bursts for things she needs, and if we attempt to extend the time out, she sinks into herself and appears like she is sulking.

She has all but completely ceased helping around the house. It feels like the worse my health gets, the less she does. I don't want to form resentments, but it is getting harder by the day.

I have to force myself to get out of bed and do just the most necessary tasks, due to widespread pain. So having to wash dishes and clean the kitchen and cook dinner in addition to just existing is rough, and I am tired.

I have committed to getting out of bed and following a loose schedule this week, balancing reselling work, writing, creative pursuits, and chores. I am not going to feel guilty about not completing tasks.

I have been trying very hard to pay more attention to Rick. More touch. More eye contact. Remaining upbeat and enthusiastic, even when I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Sometimes, I feel like I am masking. But I have come to the conclusion that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, and I will do whatever it takes to make him happy.

I am looking forward to reclaiming the apartment and my time. I hope to meal prep for the week. I managed to get thinly sliced pork chops, chicken thighs, ground turkey, a five pound bag of potatoes, onions, and two packages of corn tortillas, all for nineteen dollars! Thank god for the Mexican grocery down the street!

If we had to, we could easily survive on that for a week, alone, but I keep a well stocked spice and sauce cabinet, along with pantry staples like dried beans, bouillon powder, rice, pasta, canned goods like veggies and fruit, multiple baking mixes, and baking supplies.

With the economy the way it is right now, I feel rich to have what we do, even though our fridge mostly contains a majority of liquids- almond and oat milks, Rick's barley tea, creamer, and a couple of two liter sodas. When I meal prep this afternoon, that will be remedied and the fridge will soon have pre-made side dishes- egg salad for sandwiches, couscous salad with cucumber and olives, Asian quick pickled cucumber slices, side salads, refried black beans, steamed and Mexican rice, and a lot more. I want to get back to making Rick nutritious lunches to take to work. Lately, it has been a single sandwich and the required energy drink, or leftovers from the night before. He deserves more, so I will be channeling my energy into that.

I am also thinking about Christmas! I want to have an open house for friends, and provide a simple homey meal, a festive mulled wine, a cookie table, and white elephant gifts for everyone who visits. No pressure- show up when you can, leave when you want to. Just a place for others to gather, with a meal and tons of love thrown in during a time when people may be feeling lonely.

I am gearing up to write an original piece not based on anything in my own life. An organic idea. I am putting a pin in it for today though. This blog entry took me like three hours to complete.