From My Mind to....

Looking Back....

Yesterday, I experienced a nostalgic pull (for lack of a better term) toward what for more than 30 years was the most important day in my life.

October 28, 2014 marked my 36th Wedding anniversary.  Well, not really!

That special day passed into oblivion almost a week and a half before what would have been my 34th such occasion.  Actually, that circumstance was my only stipulation when agreeing to give my ex-wife a divorce--that we NOT be married when our next anniversary rolled by.

I'm struck by how short a time it takes to physically dissolve a lifetime partnership.  Just 118 days from the time Laura asked for a divorce, we received a piece of paper from the court system stating we were no longer man and wife.  Less than four months to wipe out a third of a century together.

Don't get me wrong--I know the road to that dissolution took years to travel with blame fixed firmly on both of us. The fights and stony silences became more frequent, far outweighing the happy times.  The kids had been gone for several years by then.  The things that were important were no longer.  She changed.  I changed.  Well, in truth, perhaps I didn't change as much as she hoped.  We could no longer find the mutual things we needed to keep us together.

So here I sit at 2 a.m. the following morning writing by the dim light from a nightlight doing what I always do when faced with emotional turmoil within--I write about it.  Perhaps if I'd had the courage to say such thoughts aloud, things would have been different. 

Just when did things go wrong.  Who knows?  I can't tell.

Volumes have been written about how this war started, or why that event happened that changed the world. I'm quite sure neither of us will ever know what really changed in our lives  The truth be told if my thoughts and suspicions on that subject were voiced out loud, they'd probably not match Laura's.

But I do look back fondly on a life I still believe was filled with a great deal of happiness, and not a few tears  Joys and worries.  Contentment and anguish.

Laura and I parted amicably; we still remain very cordial. I reflect within but will never know my ex-wife's feelings on this subject as even now I lack the courage to ask.  I guess I just don't want to open old wounds.  Maybe as I'm happily remarried now, I don't wish to risk falling overboard from the proverbial boat in which I now reside.

Whatever the case, I shall leave my past where it lies and just push forward.

But who among us as writers can stop our minds from whatever tangents occur to us?  Thus, I pen these words.  That nostalgic tug will always rear its head though I suspect time will lessen that pull.