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My thoughts released; a mind set free |
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These pages contain my thoughts, from meandering ideas and persuasions to deep cerebrations and serious mentations. Why, for what purpose? To release my mind and set creativity free. Somewhere inside the constraints of my mind dwells a writer, a poet, an artist who paints with words. In here, I release those constraints and set the artist free. Perhaps, lost somewhere in the depths of thought, is a story or a poem, waiting to be written. |
| The endoscopy went well; everything is looking good. The probem was, I didn't eat enough yesterday. I missed breakfast, had a light lunch, and of course couldn't eat anything later because of the endoscopy. I only took in a tad over 800 calories yesterday. Today I was famished, but couldn't eat or drink anything until after the endoscopy, which took till noon. Instead of waiting to get home to eat, we decided to grab somethig at a Casey's when we filled up with gas. Popcorn chicken sounded good along with some cheese and potato balls. They were pretty good, for gas station food, and with the honey mustard dip, I enjoyed them. It also put food in me, which also helped—for a little while. About fifteen minutes after eating, however, my stomach and lower abdomen began to ache and cramp. The rest of the ride home was miserable, and once home, I made a mad dash for the bathroom. By this time, I was feeling miserable and decided to lie down for a while. I don't know how long I dozed in a kind of half-sleep, half-awake state. I do know that all of a sudden, I felt very nauseated and had to get up and take some anti-nausea medication. It did it's job and the nausea soon passed, but then the sweating started. Not just a little sweating, I was dripping and soaked. I also felt like I was burning up. My wife checked my temperature; no fever. But soon after the sweating and overheating started, I felt chilled. I'm still chilled to the bone and cannot get warm. In short, my abdomen aches, I have no energy, and I'm freezing. Not just feeling cold, my body is also cold. I assume it was something with the food, but my wife thinks it my be a reaction to the endoscopy I had today. She ate the same foods as I did from Casey's, and she didn't have any problems. I'm going to try and get my stuff done in here, but I may just shut down and return to bed. Hopefully, I can keep up my streak before I do. |
| I'm late getting in here again today. Well, I reckon tonight would be more accurate. It was kind of a busy day; tomorrow will be another. I slept in until almost noon, but I was up half the night after a nightmare. I was unable to move in my dream, but I was alive. I couldn't even move my eyes or blink; all I could do was lie there and stare unblinking at the blue sky. I don't know if it was warm or cold, I couldn't tell. But after a while somebody leaned over and looked down at me. "I think he's dead." Another person leaned in, "Maybe we should check his vitals to make sure." "Why? According to the call, he's been lying out here for over an hour. I'm sure he's dead. Let's just bag him up and go get some lunch. We can drop him off at the morgue after we eat. I'm starving." And so, in my dream, ungentle hands lifted and stuffed me into a body bag, zipped it up so I was staring up and blackness, and was roughly handled into the back of the meat-wagon. That's also when I woke, and in a panic, fought to get free of the body bag. But it was only my blankets, and after a few seconds, reality moved in, and the horrid nightmare lost a bit of its power over me. But, it was no use trying to go back to sleep; my mind was going bonkers over a hundred different things. I got up and poured myself a brandy and tried to read a little. After a good hour, maybe hour and a half, and another brandy, I was tired and falling asleep in my chair. It was just beginning to get light outside. I know it was a result of watching them haul my friend and neighbor out of his apartment in a body bag. I had time to eat a quick lunch, shed my pajamas, and get dressed so I could make my appointment at the infusion center. I needed to have my port accessed, get a liter of saltwater pumped in, and have some blood work done for my appointment in Fargo tomorrow to have another endoscopy and at the same time, have my throat stretched so I can eat without having the food hang up. |
| It's been an interesting day, and a sad one. One of my neighbors, and my friend, moved this summer. He could be a bit rough around the edges and not the easiest person to get along with sometimes, but I found it to be a good test of patience and a chance to reflect on a lot of what I've learned in my Bible studies. In the end, it was sad to see him move, and at the same time, a bit of a relief. We still keep in touch, and once I'm feeling better, I want to make the four-hour drive to visit him. On the other side of the building lived another man I thought of as a friend. He was homeless for a spell, living out of his van, but our landlord found him sleeping in his van in the driveway to an open apartment and gave him a good deal on the place. I met Brian shortly after we moved in, and despite his filth (he seldom bathed or changed clothes and lived much like he did when he was homeless) I found him to be a very nice guy. He also tended to be a hoarder and was terrible at throwing anything, even trash, away. But he would come over once in a while when we sat outside, and he would visit. I don't think he had any family around, and he didn't really have any friends, although he did attend a local church, and there were a few people there who would help him out on occasion. Brian enjoyed writing, although he didn't trust or use the internet. He wrote in MS Word and saved most of his writing to flash drives. One day a few years back, the summer before last, his computer crashed. It was an old desktop model with an old-fashioned monitor. He came over and asked me if I could help him get it up and running again. Despite the mess in his apartment, I did my best to help. There was a path to get through, nothing more. He had room for one person to sit on the couch, and at the table, the rest of the place was piles of stuff; stacks of old papers, bags filled with who knows what, and garbage. He was a heavy smoker, and the inside of his apartment was a smelly brown coating of nicotine and tar from his cigarettes; even the windows were so coated you could not see through them. The smell was offensive, and I found it difficult to breathe, but I stayed and did my best trying to get his antiquated system up and running again. It was no use, and in the end, I had to tell him he needed a new computer; his was shot. I thought he was going to break down and cry! He lived off social security and barely received enough to make his payments. The church helped out with donated clothes, and one of the other church members bought him four cartons of cigarettes a month. He used an old phone he had through Straight Talk, another gift from the church, along with his monthly phone card. I had a Dell desktop computer I used seldomly after I got my laptop, so I gave it to him. I had to use my phone's hotspot to connect to the internet and get it all set up and registered for him. It took a good half a day, and it was rough staying in his apartment for that long, but he was a nice guy, and I felt for him. After we finally got it set up and working, he tried it out, and again, I thought he was going to break down and cry; this time, tears of happiness welled up in his eyes. He offered me some canned food, mostly soups and Hormel dinners. He offered me a carton of cigarettes when I turned down the food. I politely declined, telling him that just seeing him that happy was all the payment I needed. Shortly after, he again asked for some help. This time he was trying to get his old printer to work with the newer computer. But it wasn't compatible. It was an old-time dot-matrix printer that was likely geared towards Windows 3! We had discussed getting a new printer ourselves; ours was old and did not print pictures very well. So I talked to Rhonda, my wife, and she agreed, we would by a new printer and give him the old one. It printed text fine, but photos had streaks; he wanted to print out some of his writing and just needed a printer that would work with the Dell and print in black and white. I helped him get it set up and even purchased a few packs of cartridges, both colored and black, because I knew he didn't have any money to buy ink. When we finished, and he printed out a page, in color, I thought he was going to start dancing; he was so excited and could not understand why I was being so kind to him. I explained that in our Bible studies, we were told to reflect on others the grace our Lord gives to us. He doesn't get out much in the winter, and with the cold, it didn't seem odd that his old van hadn't moved in a while. After a couple of weeks had gone by, I started to worry. I told the landlord that I hadn't seen him out and about since the first week of the month and was concerned. Our landlord was also concerned, Brian had not paid his rent, and was always good at paying when he got his social security check. When he tried to call, he found Brian's phone was also not working. So, the landlord went over and found a lot of mail in his rural box; the door wasn't locked, and the light was on inside, as well. But he did not find Brian. We talked after he came out and decided maybe someone from the church had taken him to the hospital or something, so the landlord contacted the church. No one had seen or heard from Brian in a couple of weeks. The pastor informed the sheriff's office yesterday, and today they showed up at his apartment. They were inside for a short time, then back out to their cars. I went out and inquired, but was instructed to return home, so I did. A short time later, a van pulled up, and another guy went inside, then came back out and talked to the deputies. All three went back in and shortly after came back out with a body bag; it was easy to see there was a body inside. I contacted my neighbor, who had moved; I knew he and Brian had been friends; I thought he would want to know. I also contacted our landlord and told him that they had found Brian inside his apartment. I did inquire with the deputy, and he was nice about it, but couldn't give out much information until they contacted any next of kin. He asked me questions, and I answered the best I could. I also gave them the landlord's name and phone number; hopefully, they can give more information. They told me that Brian had not been dead for long, and there was no smell; the reason no one saw him was that when he collapsed, he fell into a pile of bags, which had fallen on top of him. They offered no more information. I doubt I'll ever know if he lay there for long and suffered, or if he died quickly. Feeling down over all this, I decided to call my oldest and find out how things went for him. He had surgery on his kidney a week ago to remove a small lump that was filled with fluid. On my ex-wife's side of the family, I guess there is a history of this, but it's just fluid and not cancerous. This is what the doctors also thought at first, but after removing it and having it biopsied, it turns out my boy also has cancer. Luckily, his was found early and contained. It sounds like his treatments will be easier than what I had to endure, and his cancer is highly treatable. He will find out more on his next doctor's visit and let me know more. I'm hoping that in another week or so, I'll be up to traveling. I really do need to see my children and my grandchildren. He has two, my youngest has four, and two of my step-children have kids, one has four, the other two. I haven't seen much of them since my diagnosis and treatments started because they didn't want to expose me to any sickness, and kids are great at spreading sickness. Now that my chemo is done and my immune system is recovering, I long to see all of them again. Today, and this whole damn year, has been a reminder that life is precious and way too short. I don't know how long I have left, maybe a year, maybe two. Then again, if I fall into the 35% that beat this thing, I could have many more years. I'll stay positive that I am in the 35% and take it from there. I was told that if the cancer doesn't return in five years, chances are it won't so I'm going for five. I do know I want to make the most of every day I have left. There's no room to be bitter towards ass-hole drivers or other people who tend to get on my nerves. No, I don't have the energy or the time to be negative; I do not want to waste even an hour being stressed or upset over anything. It's time to reflect on life and to live each day like it's the last. |
| To everyone who commented on my last entry, thank you so much. Your kind and positive comments are so uplifting and encouraging. And also know, through all the treatments, your prayers have been answered, and Ive weathered the storm of treatment better than most. With every visit and every lab my care team and infusion team have constantly told me that I'm not only doing great, but that I'm not getting nearly as sick as most others have. That, my friends, is the power of your prayers! From the movie, Kelly's Heroes, I quote Oddball, "Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!" I have to admit that after hearing the news, I was pretty depressed both Thursday after hearing it and yesterday. I'm not ashamed to say that throughout the day yesterday, the tears would start flowing. Today I'm doing better; my positiveness has returned. According to my oncologist, I do have a thirty percent chance of making the next five years without the cancer returning; if the cancer has not returned in five years, it's highly unlikely it will ever return. For the last six months, it's been one day at a time. This is now a way of life for me. I'm not saying anything to my children or stepchildren until well after the holidays; I don't want to tarnish their joy and add any sad memories. Some time after, I will inform them of my odds; it's only fair that they know. But I will also share with them my positive attitude and my will to beat this thing. For now, it's one day at a time; that's what my Lord grants me. I also know that only He can call me home, and if it's not my time, He will heal me until it is my time. Again, thank you all for everything. You are wonderful! |
| I had my online meeting with a VA oncologist today. She was great, honest, and upfront. She is out of Carolina, but does a lot of work with people all over the states, and with many cancer centers, including Roger Maris, the one I go to. She has also worked with my oncologist and has other patients who see him. She went over all he's done and agrees with the treatment and the imunology fr another ten months. It was a relief learning he's a good doctor and doing everything right; he just doesn't communicate things to me. The VA oncologist was surprised that he had not told me everything. She did. My cancer is very aggressive and very difficult to kill off. Untreated my life expectancy would have been three to six months. But with the aggressive chemo, I get longer to live. How much longer? That's uncertain; a year or two is what she said is the time frame for the cancer to return, and there is only a slight chance that it won't. Yes, there is only a small probability that the cancer won't return, and in most cases it resurfaces in a year or two after treatment. WE did talk about possible treatments and actions if or when it returns, but it all depends on where the cancer attacks and how healthy I am. There is a possibility that I may continue my immunology longer, and she's looking into other possible ways to keep the cancer at bay. I see her again in three months, after my next scan. She also told me there isn't much they can do to even detect the cancer in my body until it starts to grow. Then it will show on the CT Scan. It sounds like I will have a CT Scan every three months to look for the dreaded beasts' return. How am I handling this news? I'm doing alright, but a bit depressed. This is way too close to the loss of my mother back in the nineties. She beat the cancer, but only for a year. She spent Christmas in the hospital receiving treatments. After, her oncologist told us that her cancer would likely return in a year or two. We got one more year to spend with her. By the next Christmas, the cancer was back, and halfway through January, she was gone. I'll do my best to keep a positive attitude, and I'm putting my trust in God. Maybe the doctors can't stop this type of cancer, but I know my Lord can; that's where I put my trust. |
| Another busy day. My wife had therapy this morning, after she was done, we had just enough time, if traffic and roads were good, to get over to my appointment in Fergus Falls. So, after a couple of cups of coffee, we loaded the dogs up and headed to her therapy, which unfortunately was in the opposite direction of Fergus Falls. Of course, her physical therapy ran over a bit, so we were even more rushed. The roads were pretty good considering the 7+ inches of snow we received two days ago, but we came up on an accident and had to sit and wait for the two trucks to get the road cleared. We were running about ten minutes behind when we got to Fergus Falls, but there, the roads were crap. Of course, we had to drive through town to get to the VA clinic, and by the time we arrived, it was thirty-five minutes after I was supposed to be there. I apologized at the registration desk, and to my surprise, the receptionist was understanding and informed me it wasn't a problem. I didn't have to wait more than five minutes, and I was called back to have some blood drawn. Knowing they wanted my blood, I had them leave my port accessed yesterday so they could use that to draw some blood. But, the person accessing my port has to be a registered nurse and also be trained in port access and use. Unfortunately, they did not have a nurse on hand who could access my port. So, I had to have a needle stabbed into me. Since I tend to be somewhat dehydrated, it's difficult to find and stick my veins. But the lab technician found one that she could stab, and by golly, there was only the slightest prick as the needle went in. She hit the vein with no problems and drew the blood she needed, then out came the needle and on went the bandaid. I was surprised how easily and with little pain she did her job. But, since it's not safe to run around with a port access dangling from one's chest, I had to make an appointment back here in Perham to have the port de-accessed. My wife called while I maneuvered us out of the snowy, sloppy, and very slippery streets in town. The folks in Perham said I could get in at three, so once again we were pushing to get there. We arrived a few minutes before three, and I entered just as the nurse rounded the corner by the registration desk. She took me right back to a room in the infusion center and removed the port needle, dressed the area and told me I was good to go. Yes, a first in my life, no wait at the hospital and no wait in the room. I was in and out in less than five minutes! After we returned home so my wife could get ready for work. She had time to make a sandwich for her lunch and eat a bit of the ham and other vittles we had put in the slow cooker before we left. Our first ham from the pig we had purchased from the locker plant. It wasn't too salty, had a very nice smokiness, and was very tender and flavorful. I would say it's the second-best ham I've eaten. That I can remember, of course. The best hams are from the Perham Locker plant; they often have double-smoked hams that are beyond description as far as taste. Tomorrow will be another busy day, then a short break from all the running. Next week I have to go to Fargo to have an endoscopy, and my throat stretched open again. After the last chemo infusion, it closed up some, and I'm again having difficulty swallowing foods and medications. Hopefully, once more will do the trick and I'll be good to go. But the surgeon did say that many people who have had the same surgery have to come in and have this procedure done once or twice a year. Hopefully, I won't have that problem, but even if I do, the procedure isn't bad, and recovery is a day or two. |
| I went in today for my immunotherapy infusion and was surprised by how many of the medical staff came and congratulated me on my last CT Scan and my prognosis of being cancer free. They wanted to know if they could join me after my session for the bell ringing. I usually don't care to be around a lot of people, but all these people played a big part in getting me through all the infusions and problems associated with them; they did not treat me like a patient, but like a good friend. So, after my hour infusion (a big improvement over the six-hour chemo infusions) we went out to ring the bell. They read a short poem, and then I gave the bell three good tugs, ringing out that for now, I'm free of cancer and done with chemo. They clapped and shook my hand, then we did a few pictures. For six months, I've endured hell on earth waiting and praying to make it to this day. After the last chemo treatment, I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it a few times; there were days I hurt so much that I questioned my decision to finish the chemo. I really had reached the end, but everyone's comments and prayers kept me positive and determined not to give up. I cannot thank all of you enough. If ever you wonder if your prayers are heard, I can honestly say, "Yes, they are."   |
| It says it's been three days since I posted in here. I know I missed yesterday, I was gone and did not get a chance to spend any time in WdC, but that's only missing one day; how did one turn to three? Not that it matters, life is like that, and good intentions don't take you very far. Anyway, on to yesterday, or is it back to tomorrow, and let's not forget to put today in someplace. Yesterday, up early and off to have labs done. I had my appointment in Fargo for labs, a meeting with my oncologist, and then my immunotherapy infusion for today, but I don't want to drive two hours when I can do everything except meet with my oncologist right here, six miles from home. Therefore, I changed the appointments and had my labs done here yesterday. They acess my Power-Port for this, and of course for the infusions, so I told them to just leave me accessed since I had my infusion changed to Perham as well, but had to put it off until Wednesday because my oncologist insists on meeting with me first to go over the labs and my recent CT Scan. However, when they accessed my port, it was blocked with blood clots, which is a bit dangerous since the port feeds directly into my heart. The clots are from the medication I'm on for the bleeding issues, and it seems the heparin they put into the port after didn't get done last time it was accessed. So they had to put in something to dissolve the clots before they could draw blood. It took a few hours and a few injections of the anticoagulant to get the port cleared, then they drew a couple of tubes of blood, which the nurse thought were too thick; I was dehydrated again and had to sit and have a liter of water pumped in through my port. After we drove over to Detroit Lakes to do some shopping. Up until yesterday, any shopping meant using a handicap scooter; I can't walk far without being winded, and with the loss of sensation (except a constant tingling–like my feet are sleeping), it's difficult to walk. But I want to build the muscle back up, so I pushed the cart for stability and walked through the stores. I did pretty well, but by the time we returned home, I was shot; I dozed in my chair until dinner was ready, ate, and then dozed some more until it was time for bed. Today, we are supposed to make the two-hour drive to Fargo to talk for five minutes with the oncologist about the results of the lab and the scan. But we have a severe winter storm warning for the day. According to the radar, the storm has already hit Fargo (west of us) and is heading this way. They had a coating of ice, now the snow, and fifty mph winds, which will soon be here. Therefore, I'm not driving to Fargo. Besides not wanting to drive in a blizzard, my luck would have me just about there when they call to inform me my appointment is cancelled do to the weather. Hey, don't laugh, it's happened a few times already. So, to get the infusion tomorrow, I'm supposed to talk to the doctor. I called the cancer center to try and set up a meeting through Zoom or something, but was told that my oncologist doesn't do online or over-the-phone meetings. They also informed me they would try and get something worked out so I can still get the infusion tomorrow, if they can. Now I wait and hope I can get in tomorrow and get my infusion, but I have my doubts. Instead, I have a sneaky suspicion that they will reschedule me to meet my oncologist in Fargo and then have my infusion there after talking with him. I say this because it's happened a few times. It's either his way or no way. If this is the case, I need to find out how to fire my oncologist and get a different one; I'm tired of catering to the doctor instead of him making my life easier! |
| Yesterday my wife spent the day helping her mom decorate for Christmas and didn't get back home until late. She had gotten her and her mom pizza and ham & cheese balls from a local pizzeria that has wonderful food. Knowing I would enjoy these as well, she bought extra to bring home with her. I had already eaten, so it went into the fridge for the night, waiting to be heated and eated for lunch today. I picked up a ham & cheese ball first and took a bite; wow, that's salty! My wife informed me they weren't any saltier than normal. I then took a bit of the pizza, and wow, was it salty! Of course, it wasn't any saltier than normal. I enjoyed the food and know it will take a while to adjust to the saltiness of foods again. I lost the ability to taste sweet and salty after the first or second chemo infusion back in May. I could, at times, slightly detect saltiness, but only with items that were significantly over-salted, such as Campbell's soups. Sweet foods lacked sweetness, and sour items, like lemonade, tasted sweet. Other tastes have also been off, and nothing tasted as it should. But now it seems my taste buds are healing and working more like they should. But, after months of not tasting salt, it didn't take much to seem too salty. I also drank some orange juice, and it tasted like oranges and wasn't sickeningly sweet. I'm looking forward to enjoying lemonade again, as well as iced tea with lemon in it. In fact, I'm looking forward to eating and enjoying so many foods again. |
| Yesterday went pretty well after getting some fluids in me via IV. I just warmed up some hotdish for dinner and was able to eat about a cup. It settled all right, but it left me with only half the calories I should be taking in. A couple of hours later, I decided I should eat a healthy snack, so I put some sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and cashews in a bowl and snack on them while I watched a bit of TV. I did manage to eat them, but it was like my dinner was still filling me up. After, the pain returned to my abdomen, and the acetaminophen did little to help. It did subside a couple of hours later, so I was able to sleep well. Well, until five-thirty this morning when I woke up. I don't know if some sound woke me or what, but I was having a nice dream. I don't remember it now, it faded quickly upon waking. Since I couldn't get back to sleep to finish my dream (you know you've tried it too) I decided to just get up and have coffee. While I waited for the coffee, I ate two Clementines my wife purchased yesterday. I peeled them and was a it surprised that they were difficult to peel. Usually, one can easily remove the skin, or hide, or outer clothing; whatever you call the rind, or peel, or just that orange outside part that's always so bitter when you have to bite it. Anyway, by the time I skinned them varmints, the coffee was done. Do, breakfast consisted of two mini-oranges and a cup of coffee with a teaspoon of honey and a tablespoon of heavy cream. I used to drink my coffee black, but nowadays I need to increase my calorie intake anyway I can. But I don't do sugar well, so I figured I'd try honey, and that does not seem to cause the same problems. I also switched from powdered creamer to real cream, again needing more calories, and figured the cream is a healthier choice. The coffee was good, but the midget oranges were not. They were dry and lacked flavor. It's a bit disappointing how bad fresh produce has gotten over the years. As a child, I remember going with my grandma to buy lugs of fruit. Once home, it was always so delightful to bite into one of the juicy and sweet treats. Of course, Grandma canned up the majority of the lug of fruit, be it peaches or pears, or whatever was in season; she even canned up jars of rhubarb sauce. The produce was fresh, and the only drawback was it had to be in season to find it. Now, with all our advancements in technology, we can have almost any type of produce any time of the year. Unfortunately, it's usually picked prematurely, stored for too long, and then artificially ripened to sell. I do know my residence near the Great White North makes a difference in produce during these cold winter months, but again, with all our advancements, you would think our food would have gotten better, not worse; most produce begins to spoil before we can consume it all. Even the meat from the stores has lost much of its flavor and shrinks down to half its size when cooked. And, instead of having to drain some of the grease from the meat, you have to drain off all the water that cooked out. Thankfully, we have fresh and local beef and pork available to us, locally processed and about the same price as supermarket meats, sometimes even cheaper. For example, I can buy a freshly butchered whole chuck roll (pretty much a deboned front leg of beef) for $5.50 a pound. Out of the chuck we get two or three roasts, six to eight thick cut steaks, and the rest is cut into stew meat, beef strips, and the scraps are saved for our dogs. It seems I've rambled on for a bit now, a nice indicator that I'm feeling better this morning. I'm not feeling good, but I'm not feeling as poorly as I have been. It seems I'm slowly starting to recover. My doctor informed me yesterday that, after six months of intense chemotherapy, there is a lot of damage to my entire body; it's going to take several months to heal. |
| Another busy day, but it wasn't supposed to be. I woke up with only one appointment to take care of this morning, to have a CT Scan taken with a contrast dye, looking for cancer. I got up around seven-thirty, providing me with an hour to enjoy some coffee and wake up. However, when I arrived at the hospital for the scan, they were unable to access a vein to administer the dye. After three attempts and three failures, I was sent over to the infusion center to have my Power Port accessed. But before they could access my port, they needed to have it approved by my doctor. He, of course, wanted to know why and had a few more tests done, including wanting me to pee in a cup. It took over an hour and a couple of cups of tea before I could squeeze out about an ounce for them to analyse. They did access my port and took a couple of vials of blood, as well. The verdict? I was low on some key electrolytes and on water. Yes, I was dehydrated, and not just a little. The first thing my doctor wanted was for me to be back in the hospital to have I fluids, electrolytes, and to be monitored. I refused and just had them pump a liter of water into me before going to my rescheduled CT Scan. After the scan, which went fine with the use of my port, I returned to the infusion center to have my port access removed, but they informed me that I would be staying for another liter of fluids, reinforced by some electrolytes I was in short supply of. I also had to be able to provide another urine sample. I decided that I may as well get some other appointments changed while I was hanging around the hospital with an IV attached to me. I had been scheduled to have labs and my immunotherapy in Fargo, but had previously requested to do all my infusions and labs here at home; ten minutes of driving beats two hours, especially this time of year. My poor nurse had to accompany me, via wheelchair, to get this all done. But with my wife by my side and the nurse behind me, I managed to get things set up to my liking, not my oncologist's. I do need to go to Fargo to go over the scan and my labs, but being there at noon is better than at seven in the morning. So, instead of everything in one day, I have labs here in Perham (it's actually pronounced Perm, and when the locals hear me say Per-ham, it drives them crazy), anyway, I digress. Labs on Monday in Perham at 9:00 a.m., a follow-up with my oncologist on Tuesday at noon, and if everything looks good on the labs, my infusion here in Perham on Wednesday. I would have just put up with doing it all in one day in Fargo, but I had to make a point. I have at least three times informed my oncologist in Fargo, his P.A. here in Perham, and his scheduling desk in Fargo that I do not want to do any of the treatments in Fargo; I would only do them here. So, as you can see, it was a matter of principle. Anywho, I spent the morning at the hospital, they filled me up with two liters of water, but they had to space them out so it wouldn't over-thin my blood. I'm balanced with electrolytes, and hopefully things will go better as I go forward. I do know I'm no longer suffering from vertigo, headaches, nausea, weakness, and blurred vision. It's amazing what a little water can do. How did it get so severe? I wasn't drinking quite enough (this is an ongoing problem for now, so I have to go in more than once a week for an IV water infusion), compounded with severe diarrhea from the chemo, and then an issue with bleeding from my sinuses, stomach lining, and even my intestinal tract. (It's nothing serious, just the smaller blood vessels have thinned so much from the chemo that they leak.) All this should be improving any day now, as I'm further out from that last infusion; the bleeding has already almost stopped, and I was put on Imodium (where will you be when diarrhea strikes). I was also given a shot in the stomach of something that is supposed to help me produce more platelets, which will stop the bleeding problem. Things are kind of hanging, but after getting a refill on H20, many of my problems faded away; some of the others have at least lessened. Surprisingly, even my sense of taste improved with hydration; who would have thinked it?  |
| I didn't post on my blog yesterday; I was too sick to focus on writing. It was an interesting day, starting with a drive to the VA clinic in Fergus Falls to discuss some of the chemotherapy side effects with my doctor. Unfortunately, there was little that could be done except for more medications, which I declined because most of them have other unpleasant side effects. As my doctor said, it's a matter of which side effects I'm more comfortable with. I'm already suffering from digestive issues, and most medications are going to compound the problems. Time is the best medication; time for my digestive system to heal. Another issue I spoke with her about is my oncologist, who isn't answering my questions, prescribes medications that make me sick or that I cannot swallow, and doesn't listen to me. After our discussion, she left me waiting while she made a few calls to see if I could get a different oncologist. It took a bit, but she has me working with a VA oncologist over the phone to see what other options are available and what more can be done. Another issue I have with my oncologist is the treatments. I'm done with chemo, finally, but I still have months of immunotherapy treatments. I can do them in Fargo at the cancer center or here at home at the same cancer center. The difference is mostly the time and the drive. It's a two-hour drive to the Roger Maris Cancer Center in Fargo, and it's about a ten-minute drive to the Roger Maris Cancer Center in Perham, so I want to do all my treatments here in Perham. Unfortunately, my oncologist will not come to Perham, so I have to go to Fargo once a month to see him. I have requested that all treatments, labs, and checkups be done locally. It's a short drive, and since the labs and treatments are always scheduled for 7:30 in the morning, I don't have to get up before time begins. Despite requesting this each and every time I speak to him, my oncologist keeps scheduling me for Fargo. This means I have to get on the phone and try and get everything rescheduled here instead of there. I just went through all of this a couple of weeks ago and told him I would not go to Fargo for any of the treatments or labs, only for me check-ups with him. He noted it, told me that would be fine, and everything was settled. Yesterday I received my next scheduled immunotherapy in Fargo! Health-wise, I was informed yesterday that I'm doing well. My labs look good, I'm on the recovery side of the last chemo infusion, and should be feeling better with each new day. But the damage to my intestines is going to take a while longer to recoup; the inner lining is about destroyed, and there are signs of some bleeding from the damaged tissue. So, the abdominal pain and digestive problems may take a few more weeks to get better. For now, she put me on a liquid medication to help stop the easy bleeding. Unfortunately, the stuff tastes nasty, so bad that it makes me sick to swallow it, so I have to take medication to stop the nausea first. Tomorrow I have a CT scan to look for any cancer. I had requested this be done a month ago to see if I needed to do the last two infusions. My oncologist told me, "It won't do any good; the scan will only show cancer if a tumor is present." So, I did the last two infusions just to ensure the cancer is gone. Now I have a scan tomorrow that I've already been told won't show anything. Why? It doesn't matter; the VA is paying for it, and I have to follow my oncologist's plan or lose benefits. Another reason I want to talk with another oncologist, hopefully by next week. On a side note, my eldest son just had a mass removed from one of his kidneys. We are still waiting to hear if it was cancerous or not. It seems there is a history on his mother's side of the family; none of them had cancer. He was a baby when I joined the Air Force, and was stationed with me at a base with contaminated drinking water. According to the VA, my cancer is more related to radiation exposure than the water contamination. If my boy does have cancer, however, it could be a result of PFAS contamination. Anyway, I'm feeling better today and hope that with each new day, the side effects of chemo slip quietly into my past. I know some will remain for whatever time I have left, but hopefully they are minimal and do not interfere with my quality of life. |
| It may seem funny that I write this entry this late in the evening. After all, I've been waiting for the day I would wake up finding myself feeling better, and this morning was not it. In fact, most of the afternoon wasn't it, either. But after returning home and spending some time here, I found myself hungry. Now, I hadn't eaten much today, but that's been the case since the last chemo infusion. I have had no appetite and have been forcing myself to eat only because I know I need energy and nutrients to heal and recover. We had discussed our supper (dinner for those who don't know the difference) and had decided on Beef Lo Mein with Gingered Beef and Zucchini. Since my tastes are off, dishes like this, as well as Tex-Mex, are more appealing. My wife and I usually work together on meals like this because of the amount of prep that goes into them, but it seemed earlier today that I would be feeling ill in my chair while my wife did all the work. I was only hoping I'd be able to eat some without getting sick (I've required anti-nausea meds after eating anything all week). When it was time to prepare our food, I was actually feeling up to helping out. I prepped and cooked the Gingered Beef with Zucchini while my wife worked on the Lo Mein. Of course, we helped each other along the way, each preparing various vegetables for our dish as well as the other's. Soon enough, it was done, and time to eat. And, not to brag or anything, I still had enough energy left. Not only did I have energy left, but I managed to eat about a cup of each! Since my surgery, I've done well to eat a cup of food in one sitting, and maybe on a good day, a cup and a half. Tonight, I enjoyed more food than I have eaten since June, when the chemo first destroyed my appetite and my digestive ability. Since my last infusion, I've been slogging chest deep in the River Styx, doing my best to keep some bonehead in a boat from running me down, but tonight I feel I'm close to the bank and only knee deep. Not only is the bank within reach, but that bonehead seems to have given up trying to give me a ride! Oh, and did I mention they have the strangest dog here? Yeah, three heads, a serpent for a tail, and snakes protrude from his body, and his name is Cerberus. He looks scary, but he's a good boy. |
| I know it's a song title, and I'm sure many of you do as well, but it's not the song I'm speaking of today. But let's start from the beginning. It's the first day of December, and this year is quickly fading away into times past. Not that I mind; it hasn't been a good year at all. We won't discuss the issues that arrived with 2025, or the hopes I have for 2026. I had a terrible night, up more than I was down, and finally just decided to stay up around six this morning. Once up and enjoying some coffee and Tylenol, the day progressed much as the night had, with me running to the bathroom quite frequently. However, I did get to enjoy a couple of cups of coffee and attend a Bible study with my wife before heading to Fergus Falls for a visit with my cardiologist. The ride over was a bit of a challenge since I'm still suffering some vertigo. We took a different route than normal, so we wouldn't have to drive through town, knowing the roads would be crappy from the snow. My EKG was normal, my heart rate was up some (it's been beating very slow and has been a concern), my blood pressure was terrific, and I don't have to return for three months unless something changes. After, we had a bit of shopping, so we ended up driving through town anyway. I was right, the roads were snow-covered and slippery. But it wasn't the snowy roads as much as the idiot drivers who don't know how to drive in the winter. (It's the same every winter; the majority of the drivers forget that snow and ice are slippery. But what can you expect from people who can't operate turn signals or dim their headlights?) We did our shopping at Walmart, and ended up forgetting a few things because of the busy, and quite rude, shoppers; 'tis the season, you know. Once we escaped left the store we took the route we normally use back home, since we were on that side of town. That was our second mistake (the first being a stop at Walmart). The highway was terrible; snow-packed and about as rough as a goat trail! It's normally about an hour's drive, but with the road being snow-covered with patches of ice and rough, we couldn't drive over forty, with many places requiring us to slow to thirty or less. Our hour drive turned into a rough, bumpy, and slippery two-hour drive! Anyway, I'm home and now remembering what we should have grabbed while we were at the store. It's looking like we'll be driving into the local market to pick up the things we forgot. Why didn't we just shop locally? Because it's a tourist area and everything is overpriced. |
| Yes, today I'll write about something different from how I'm feeling. It's going to be short simply because I'm not feeling any better, the neuropathy in my fingers makes typing difficult, and I'm tired of writing the same complaints over and over. We have lots of sunshine today after a dusting of more snow yesterday. Our storm totals are about three or four inches, not nearly as much as predicted. That's fine by me; it could have missed us completely. Not that I mind the snow, it's just that after it snows, it tends to get very cold, and that I have a difficult time with right now. Also, snow means shoveling, and that isn't going to happen for a while, either. Thankfully, our landlord provides snow removal for us. All we have to do is clean up the snow on the patio, a bit by the front door, and right in front of the garage, the areas the plow driver cannot access. Normally, I don't mind shoveling since it's not a lot, and if we do get a lot, I can always walk next door and use the snow blower. Right now, however, I'm too sick to do much of anything, and even if I were feeling better, I'm too sensitive to the cold and can only be outside for a few minutes. Soon enough, however, I'll be able to handle the cold and feel well again. |
| What day? The day I start to feel better. So far, each day out of my last infusion is bringing more sickness, neuropathy, fatigue, pain, and misery. I know it will take about a week, maybe more, before I begin to recover. I also know that each treatment is worse than the previous. I didn't know how much worse it could get, but so far, each new day has shown me. I have no appetite or desire to eat, nothing tastes as it should, and everything brings nausea; thankfully, the medication they provided nips that right in the bud. Despite no desire to eat or drink, I know I need the nutrition to heal, so I force myself to eat, and I know if I dehydrate, I'll feel even worse, so I drink water, juice, and ultra-filtered milk (it is easier on my stomach and has more protein than regular). It's tough right now, but I know that one of these first days I'll wake feeling better, and for that I'm thankful. I know that my neuropathy is going to get worse before it gets better, but hopefully, when I talk to the doctor on Tuesday, she will have some options for lessening the tingling. I have been doing a bit of research, and it sounds like an EMS Foot Stimulator may offer some relief. Another source of relief is Max. Max is my Husky, and he now has his winter coat, thick, soft, and warm. When he lies on my feet, it's instant relief, and running my fingers through his thick fur helps with the tingling in my fingers. Of course, just interacting with both Max and Bellah makes me feel better, and we are all waiting for the day I can go outside without discomfort and play with them in the snow! |
| Today's proving to be another rough day, but I must admit I'm feeling a little better than I did yesterday. A big part of it is the steroids I have to take during my chemo infusions. They tear up my stomach, cause insomnia, make me dizzy, and fatigued, and the effects last a day or two after I'm done taking them. I was up quite a bit during the night, but then slept in this morning until almost nine, so a decent amount of sleep. But I found myself dehydrated this morning to the point of needing to go into the hospital and having a liter of salt water pumped into me. The last chemo infusion has left me with no desire to eat, drink, or even move much. I am making myself eat, even though the food tastes off and I have no appetite, but drinking is proving to be more challenging this time around. I knew this last round of chemo was going to be the roughest one, and I'm handling it pretty well. But it's one day at a time right now, and soon I'll be feeling a bit better with each new day. I'm hoping I'll start to improve this weekend since next week is starting out busy. Monday, I have to travel to Fergus Falls to see my cardiologist because this last round of chemo has me in and out of Afib. Then on Tuesday, I have to travel to Fergus Falls again to see my VA doctor about the neuropathy. This last round of chemo has made that a lot worse as well. I will also be discussing my cancer treatments with her, since I'm now done with chemo and just doing immunotherapy. I want a referral to the cancer center in Fergus and a new oncologist to discuss where I go from here. It's been a long and miserable journey since I was diagnosed last May, but I made it through and now just hope that the cancer is gone and I can ring that damned bell! |
| Tuesday and Wednesday wrapped up my chemotherapy sessions; unless something changes, I'm all finished. For that, I am very thankful. The timing didn't work out as planned; I was supposed to be done two weeks ago and would likely be starting to feel better. One of my medications made me very sick the night before and the day of that infusion, so I had to cancel. My oldest had invited us to his place for Thanksgiving, and we had planned on attending if it was in the cards, but as it turned out, my wife ended up working today. This is fine, since I'm sicker than hell from the last infusion, and if she works Thanksgiving, it means she will have Christmas off; a fair trade in my book, especially since I'll be feeling a lot better by then. Hell, I'm hoping to start feeling better in a week or so. However, each infusion is rougher than the previous, and it takes longer to recover after each one. So, I may be feeling pretty rough for a week or two before I start to recover from this last one. I do know the steroids I take during and the day after my infusions make me feel awful. Their purpose is to help my body recover from the damage of the chemo, but I'm not sure if they're helping or not. I felt better when I woke up this morning, but half an hour after taking them, I'm tired, sick, and dizzy. I did talk to the doctor on Tuesday about the ill effects of the steroids. She agreed they can make a person pretty sick, but she advised me to take them. She reasons that I'll be feeling ill from them for a few days, but without them, it will take me a lot longer to recover from the infusion. A few days of misery versus a week or more of added misery? I'll take the steroids. This year, Thanksgiving is delayed for a few weeks if I start to feel better and regain some normal sense of taste; if not, then it's cancelled, and I'll look forward to Christmas. No matter what, I give thanks today, and evey day for all the little blessings in my life. |
| I went to the hospital this afternoon, at one-forty-five, to have the portable pump removed that provided me with the last dose of chemo over the last twenty-four hours. That's it for the chemo, unless something changes when I talk to my new oncologist. I will get a referral on December 2nd to talk to another oncologist and switch to Lake Region Cancer Center for maintenance and check-ups. I had a liter of water pumped into me while I was there, which helps me flush the chemicals out since I'm not able to drink enough water since the surgery. It also prevents me from dehydrating, which is also a good thing. I'll go in on Friday and have another liter pumped in, then we'll see how it goes; I'll likely have to have IV fluids about once a week until the effects of the chemo start to wane and I can eat and drink more again. I'm also back to bleeding from my sinuses from the chemo. They gave me a saline solution to spray into my nostrils to help keep them moist, and the salt has a septic value to help stop the bleeding. The problem is, salt sprayed onto raw tissue burns like hell. I've also developed other bleeding issues; my skin tears easily, and I bleed a lot from any cut or abrasion. I have minor blood vessels that are leaking, leaving me with unexplained bruises, and my stomach lining, after being stretched from the surgery, tends to bleed. I have an oral medication that's supposed to help. The bright side is, I should begin to heal and get over many of the side effects in a couple of weeks, and by Christmas, I should be feeling pretty good again. |
| I was up early for my last chemo appointment. It's only ten minutes to the hospital, but I got up thirty minutes earlier than I normally would because the forecast was saying snow starting around midnight. It didn't. It's been spitting a bit, but nothing is sticking. However, by noon it's supposed to start snowing harder, the winds are forecast to increase, a d we could get up to ten inches. We'll see. As is normal, it's also supposed to get colder and stay below freezing for the next five days. It sounds like winter has arrived. |
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