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My thoughts released; a mind set free |
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These pages contain my thoughts, from meandering ideas and persuasions to deep cerebrations and serious mentations. Why, for what purpose? To release my mind and set creativity free. Somewhere inside the constraints of my mind dwells a writer, a poet, an artist who paints with words. In here I release those constraints and set the artist free. Perhaps, lost somewhere in the depths of thought, is a story or a poem, waiting to be written. |
| My last entry was a bit negative; some days are like that. I do try to maintain a positive outlook, but it's not always easy with all the changes I'm trying to adapt to. Feeling miserable is tough, but I know that will pass after the chemo is done. It may take most of the winter to recover, but that's fine with me. The changes due to the surgery, however, will never go back to normal, and that's where it gets difficult to stay positive. It would probably help to know someone who has gone through this same form of cancer, the same treatments, and the same surgery. Did life return to some form of normal? How long did it take? I mostly take each day as it comes, often going to bed with hopes that the morning will bring a better day than the one ending. Sometimes it does, other times it's just the same shit, different day, and occasionally the new day is worse than the previous. I am trying to find solutions to the problems. Nutrition is a big issue right now as a result of not being able to eat enough in a day to meet my calorie needs or my nutritional needs. I do take a daily vitamin and am looking at supplements, but with the chemo, nothing tastes like it's supposed to, and it's going to get worse with each infusion. I'm also having problems drinking enough water in a day to prevent dehydration. If I drink enough to hydrate, there's no room for food, and if I eat enough, there's no room to drink much. Right now, it's looking like I'll have to go to the hospital cancer center at least once a week to get an IV of fluid pumped into me. That means at least once a week, and more likely twice a week, I get to sit in a little room and wait for an IV bag to drip. I know that doesn't sound all that bad, but understand that I have a fear of hospitals, and my recent surgery and two-week stay has only made it worse. I still wake some nights from nightmares about being in the hospital. I recently told my daughter that if I had to do this all over, I'd request them to put me into a medically induced coma and not wake me until after the worst of the chemo has passed. As it stands, I'm just taking each day as it comes and focusing on being done with the chemo by the first part of November. Maybe I'll have enough strength and my taste will have recovered enough to enjoy Thanksgiving. I know I'll have a lot to be thankful for. |
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