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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I have heard stories that if you buy a book of letters from the Rebbe, you can ask G-d for guidance, open the book in a random place, and you will get exactly what you are looking for. I was putting an order in on Amazon for supplies for a few math lessons that I wanted to teach. For some reason the order wasn't going through (not because of lack of funds). Frustrated, I hit the home button and there were suggestions of books. One was called, Letters for Life: Guidance for Emotional Wellness from the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Considering that this was before my Pesach breakdown, I didn't feel that I needed the book. However, I though adding the book to my cart might be good luck and make my order go through. After all, I needed those supplies to teach my lesson. The order went through immediately. The book came a couple days ago. I opened it and set it on a table where it stayed until last night. I said, "Okay, G-d, you know how I'm feeling, what I want, and what I need." That's all I said. I opened the book. I opened the book. "Think good and it will be good." The letter was about the power of a positive mindset. Interestingly enough, this exact quote is my wallpaper for the very computer that I am writing this entry on and it has been since I bought it years ago. I've been trying to get my mind back to where it should be. Back to believing that I am here for a reason and doing all of this for a reason, and that there is purpose in everything I am doing now and in the future. That all of this is meant to be, because there are way too many coincidences to be a coincidence that I am even here at all. If there is one thing that I should not be sad or stressed about, it is this journey, because the truth is that I love this journey. I love my walk with G-d right now more than any other moment in my life and that is the most important thing. Do I want this conversion to be done, absolutely. I want the mezuzahs on my door frames. I want to wear a shield of David necklace and feel like it belongs on me and isn't just a piece of jewelry. I want to touch the Torah for the first time (without a Siddur) on Simchat Torah and know that the Torah is mine and meant for me. I want to know when my friends say that we are family, that I agree, yes, we are. Next time someone asks me my Hebrew name, I want to be able to tell them. A friend recently reminded me how I see the world. I love happiness and joy and I hate sadness and negativity. It is very true. I look for the good in everyone and in everything. If I do not think good, than I am I being true to myself? I am being who G-d made me to be? So I am thanking G-d for every moment and looking for the good in everything. Even though we know patience is not my strength, there must be good in that too. Even if waiting is just waiting for its own sake. There must be good in that, because everything G-d does is good. I trust him. Even in this period of life where uncertainty is a constant and snuggling itself on the couch with a side of exhaustion. I know my father loves me, and he knows that I love him. He has already said that it will be good in the end. Now is the time to think on that and believe it. |
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