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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| There is no greater holiday than Simchat Torah. There was a joy that I was able to see in others that I thought only I had within myself. Perhaps it was the added joy of all the living hostages being freed. Perhaps it was the alcohol. Perhaps it was just time for joy to burst forth. Whatever the reason, I loved every moment. There are many times in life that we feel all alone. That there is no one who is even like us. That the thoughts and feeling we have are so different from everyone else, we might as well be from another planet. Then there are moments, or days even, when we see in others what we feel inside ourselves. Then we know that it was always in others, even if we never noticed it before that moment or those days. I know for sure that these people may be stronger than I am, braver than I am, or kinder thank I am, but for a few sweet hours a year, I am like them. For a few sweet hours there is nothing more important in the entire world than the Torah. We danced. We sang. We smiled. We laughed. The entire world continued with it's business and monotony, but we were one in the joy of the Torah. Through dance, through song, through laughter, and friendship, joy burst forth like the entire world was created for just that moment. Perhaps it was, because I can't imagine my world without it again. I wish everyone a wonderful year filled with the kind of peace and happiness felt on this special day. May your bellies be full, your friends many, and your future filled with hope and love. |
| I shook the lulav. I smelled the esrog. I still think G-d wants us to shake the lulav and esrog because it looks hilarious. Any parent that gets their child to do something funny laughs a lot and gives them a giant hug. G-d has an entire nation doing something that looks (and feels) silly. If Sukkot is all about joy and the sukkah is a hug from G-d, I am positive it is fun for G-d that thousands of people are shaking to the left, shaking to the right, shaking up, shaking down, and so on. Oh, I know there are spiritual aspects to it, of course. However, joy often is felt by just doing something a bit silly. The esrog really does smell good. Thank you Hashem for every day. I am so blessed. |
| Happy New Year! It is now the year 5786. I must admit that Rosh Hashana wasn't the best holiday that I have experienced. However, Yom Kippur was ten times better than I have ever experienced. One thing about Jewish holidays, they are long days. Yom Kippur was long, yes, but I had never felt so much hope in the Kol Nidrei prayer as I did this year. I have never felt so much closeness with Hashem as I did during the entire day of prayers. My feet didn't hurt at the end of the day (I did go shoeless most of the day, I admit. Good thing my feet didn't out-stink all the non-showered people). Close your eyes and picture all bright light around you and a comforting, warm, and hopeful presence in that bright white light. That is as close to the experience as I can get for Yom Kippur. There was a line that kept My first Shabbat of the year was good. I lit candles at home and walked to a friend's house for dinner. This past Shabbat is the first Shabbat that I have truly missed since I can remember. My iron was so low that I couldn't stay awake even to pray. I would get up and pray a few lines and fall asleep as I was praying, so I would go back to bed. At 5:30pm, I was still on Blessings of the Shema. I woke up a few minutes after Shabbat ended. I forced myself to stand long enough to do Havdalah and went right back to sleep. I know that Hashem understands that I absolutely needed that rest (Shabbat is a day of rest), but I will never get that time back to have those intimate conversations with Hashem through prayer. That's one less day of conversations. I know, as a parent, there were times that I forced my children to spend time in bed resting, because they needed it and didn't want to do it. As a very stubborn person who doesn't like to take a moment and rest myself, I understand that Hashem does the same thing with me (it's been a long time since I've had this low of iron). However, I miss my time with him. I will spend all week missing that. This week is Sukkot. Eating in a hut is fun, cold at times, and a bit weird to be honest. However, I like Sukkot. It is one of those holidays that makes me feel a like kid who loved playhouses and treehouses. The fact that those are for a religious holiday just makes me feel like this is the holiday where Hashem sees me a little kid. With all of the weeks past where he was my king executing judgement, this week he is my father, watching me play and live and guiding me in the right direction with love and care and all good things. It ends with a celebration where we get to dance around and celebrate his guidance, love, and care, Simchat Torah. Best day of the year. I still remember when I was lying in my bed calling out to G-d, saying, "G-d, G-d, Daddy, I need you!" And now, I started my first Jewish calendar year as a Jew. Recently, I called out to G-d again, saying, "G-d, G-d, Daddy, thank you!" I have never felt so whole and complete as I do now. Thank you Hashem. I spent my first Simchat Torah in this shul on October 7, 2023. I saw the hopelessness and fear first hand and have lived with that in my face every day since. I have a lot to celebrate this year, and will be dancing in full celebration, but how much better would be if the hostages were all released by this Simchat Torah. Then, my adopted family will be able to be whole again someday. Thank you Hashem for all that you have done for me. I have perfect faith that now is the time. So today, I will call out again, "G-d, G-d, Daddy, I love you. Please, bring them home, please." Tziporah Shiri |
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