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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| People say things and don't always mean to have an effect on the the person they say them to. It was the Shabbat dinner before Pesach started. It was a good dinner with good conversation. I have been repeatedly asked (especially recently) how my conversion is going. The truth is, I don't know. I don't hear anything. I just go to classes, keep learning, keep studying, keep praying, and keep living. The host said, "I know conversion is hard. The VAD can just pull the plug at any time and stop everything." I admit that I didn't panic right away. I didn't make it the center of my thoughts, because I know that even after everything that there is the possibility of a no. Everyone converting knows that. I enjoyed the Seders as I said in my previous entry. I enjoyed Pesach, period. If I was going to freak about anything, every story that I have heard tells me that I should be freaking about Pesach. That is not what my meltdown was about. Pesach is a time to see a hopeful future while remembering the past. Yes, it is difficult, but not anything that should turn a convert away from Judaism. Not even close. It was during services on the last day of Pesach. Day 8. I panicked. I had a meltdown right in shul, right in front of everyone. Perhaps it wasn't just the words that I heard. It was a culmination of multiple things. The fact that friends forget that I am not converted yet. The fact that I want mezuzahs in my doorways and feel for them often only to remember they are not there. Perhaps it was the friend that looked for them also on her way out my door only to remember at that moment why they were not there. Perhaps it was hearing everyone in shul call me a part of their family while still being called an enemy. Perhaps it was the Mashiach meal that I decided not to attend because it was a pot luck and I can't bring my own food into the shul, because anything I make is considered treif to any other Jew. I can't share food with my friends. I can't give them challah or deserts for Shabbat. I certainly can't attend a pot luck! Perhaps it was the thought of never touching the Torah on Simchat Torah - something I am waiting for until after my conversion so I don't touch it with my dirty goyish hands. Perhaps it was the sudden realization during services that the Torah that I have always loved so much isn't even mine. I have never in my life even had that thought go through my head, but I did then. Perhaps it was my friends in synagogue telling me, "We're here for you. We are all your family" knowing that as much as I want them to be my family, they aren't. Perhaps it was the brief moment when I tried to think of what life would like without living like this and believing in the Torah, and there was nothing to imagine. I couldn't imagine it. Me, who can imagine anything and write it down couldn't imagine life without Judaism, without Torah, without mitzvahs, without waking up first thing in the morning and thanking Hashem, without every moment of my day a conscious reflection on Hashem and his goodness and my faith in him. What would life be like? I don't know, because there is no going backwards. I would exist, but would I really exist? A full week has come and gone since my meltdown. Another wonderful Shabbat is gone, and I enjoyed my first challah in two weeks with my wonderful friends that I met at shul. I have attended classes with my Rabbi and my Hebrew teacher. I have kept going, because what else can I do? I can't stop being me, and this is who I am, not just what I do. Today I attended a Yom HaShaoah Commemoration at the local Holocaust Center. I was asked my Jewish name, and I couldn't respond. I have a name chosen, but it isn't my name. Not yet. How can I share it with the world? Then a sweet, sweet holocaust survivor took my cheeks in her thin, frail hands. She leaned over her walker, kissed my cheek, and blessed me. Never in my life have I felt such mixed emotions. I felt honored and guilty at the same time. Honored that such a woman would be drawn to me and bless me, and guilty that she wasted a blessing on me, a non-Jew. Should I have said something to her? Would she have felt differently about me if I had? Instead of saying anything, I watched her walk away, picked up a candle lighter, pushed the button, and lit a candle for anyone who didn't have someone to light a candle for them. Tonight I am going to a Bar Mitzvah celebration. Tomorrow I will have a make-up Hebrew class. Wednesday, I will meet with my Rabbi again. I will keep going. I will keep learning. I will keep waking up every morning and praying before doing anything else. I will continue counting the Omer each night and praying before I go to sleep. I will read the Torah and enjoy my biblical Hebrew classes. I will keep filling up little parts of my soul every day with each new thing I learn that I didn't even know it was craving to know. Then, someday, I will be able tell the world my name. Each day that I look in the mirror, I see a little bit more of myself. There is no going back. If they say no today, I have to try again, and again, and again, because I'm not letting go of this. I know what life was before this, and I'm not willing to ever let go. |
| The first days of Pesach were exhausting. I worked that Friday, and instead of only doing my normal weekend work, I had to have lessons plans ready for Monday since that was the second day of the holiday, and lessons plans and copies ready for the next week since I worked Tuesday and wasn't going to be able to work until late Monday night. Somehow, I did all of that, prepared for Shabbat and the holiday, and made it to dinner on time for Shabbat. Something happened that Shabbat that would lead to a meltdown the last night of Pesach, but I'll save that story for the next entry. The dinner went late, and it was after midnight when I got home. Normally, that would be fine, but because all hametz (leavened food) had to be eaten early, that meant lunch was pretty much close to breakfast time, and services were at the crack of dawn (pretty close to it). I decided to pray at home instead of going to shul for the morning service, and then went to my friends' house for brunch. We ate the challah rolls on the porch. It would be last bread that I would eat for 8 days and my last challah for two weeks. I had my first Seder at the friends' house that I had went to last year. This year, it was not as dramatic (no fire), but it was just as memorable. I wasn't nervous, or intimidated at the thought of it, and enjoyed reading through the Haggadah, I enjoyed the discussions, I enjoyed all of the laughter, and I enjoyed everyone's nose running from the horseradish. I had spent time researching Elijah and why the Seder had so much to do with him. I didn't understand all of that last year. I learned through my research that Elijah had told G-d that the people had forgotten his covenant, so he was appointed to attend every circumcision. He comes to every Seder to bear witness that every male in attendance is circumcised. He is given a cup of wine at the Seder table, and the door is opened during the meal to let him in. It is said that he is the one to say when the Messiah will come and the Messianic era will begin (definitely a completely misunderstood idea in Christianity). Through my research to prepare for the Seders, I also read that the plagues in Egypt (the reason for the Seder) were designed to strip the land of all the evil in the all of the elements (air, water, fire, earth). Only then when Egypt was stripped of the good (the Jewish People) that it would be completely empty of all good and bad. Only then could Egypt understand that there is one G-d. That lead to a wonderful conversation about the fifth element (the Jewish People). I made it home from the first Seder at 2:30 am. My second Seder was at my friend H's house. It was my first Seder somewhere else. It was different and fun also. I was privileged to be able to put together a Seder plate for the first time ever. I also read part of the Haggadah in Hebrew at the Seder table, in front of other people. That was another first. The second Seder ended with the reading of the names of those still held in captivity by Gaza. If there was ever anything that was a reinforcement of the teaching that we are "still leaving Egypt" it is the reminder of the hostages by name. I made it home from the second Seder after 3 am. I liked that there were differences, and that all of the major elements of the Seders were the same. The seriousness of the nights were present at both Seders, but so was great conversation about the Seder topics, lots of laughter, and so much hope for the future. It was a long weekend. I don't think I slept, but rather passed out from exhaustion. I hardly remember the three days that I worked that week. Friday was no school for Good Friday, and a day for me to get some extra rest and prepare for the second holiday weekend - the last days of Pesach. So after a week of holiday, eating matzah, late nights with holiday stuff and work, and my friend's words festering in my brain, the last days of Pesach started. I ended Pesach with a meltdown. I will tell more about that in my next entry. |
Cooking on Pesach I'm going to have to admit that I didn't try any amazing recipes this Pesach. I didn't bake at all. Food that I made myself was rather uninspiring, though still good. I stored all of my dishes, including all of my pots, pans, silverware, etc. and used only disposable dishes and one brand new pot. I had no frying pan. I thought that I could still easily cook without a frying pan. I was wrong. Hilariously wrong. I bought a box of pancake mix and wanted to try my first Pesach pancakes with kosher for Pesach syrup. I thought that cooking it in a pot would work. This was not one of my brightest ideas. The smell of the mix was like the smell of crunching up a bunch of matzahs and putting the dust in a bowl. There was no smell of the egg or the water (I had no kosher for Pesach coconut milk). I put kosher for Passover butter in the pot and turned on my never used before single portable burner. The burner worked only on extra high or not at all. It was only seconds before butter started jumping up the sides of the pan and trying to escape onto the completely covered stovetop and countertop. Turning down the heat meant that the burner stopped working and didn't cook at all. I put a few spoons full of batter and tried to form what was supposed to be a pancake while butter happily popped onto my hand and fingers. The first "pancake" actually looked like a pancake, so I thought I could do it again. My burner stopped working at all, and I hand to keep playing with the knob until I could get it to work again. That meant cranking up the heat. I tried covering the pot, and that just made the smoke from the pot worse. My second pancake wasn't looking at all like a pancake and playing with the knob so I could stop being spattered with hot butter wasn't working. I decided to put all the batter in a small disposable pan, double wrapped it, and put it in the oven. I have no idea how my smoke detectors were not going off. As I was settling for one pancake, one pancake wanna be, and a pancake bake, I was wondering if my smoke detectors were even working. I couldn't check them during Pesach though. At least, I don't think so. I sat at the table with my sorry looking dinner, prayed, and ate. I love pancakes. Pesach pancakes? Yeah, they're okay. It was like a grainy pancake. Not a noteworthy difference. The syrup tastes exactly the same as not kosher for Passover syrup tastes, maple flavored sugar. When it came to digesting all the matzah, I found it not difficult. However, I did note that where a couple cups of juice acts as a laxative for me on a normal day, a one cup during Pesach works the same. Wine didn't seem to have the same effect, but I don't like to drink a lot of alcohol. That's a helpful thing to remember next year. I did eat a lot of meals at other people's houses. I admit that the potato kugels were especially delicious every place that I went, and the matzo pizza was as good as mine. I am usually good at picking what my body will process well, but I feel the kind thing to do is to eat a small piece of red meat when it is the main meat part of the meal. I don't want to insult anyone by not eating their cooking. During Pesach, that was not a good idea. I was quite grateful that no one else was in the apartment in the evenings. They may have died from the smell. I didn't even want to be around myself! As much as I hate to make anyone feel bad about what they serve, I'm not eating red meat during Pesach again. I think that is the best gift to the ozone layer that I can give. Hopefully, next year I can do a bit more cooking at home (ahead of Pesach) and try new recipes. I know that everyone freaks out about Pesach, and I was told that I didn't have to do anything this year. I'm glad that I chose to anyway. The stringent laws during this time, the exhaustion, and the small experiences are not what Pesach is all about. It is a very small part of it. There is so much more to Pesach than these things. This brings me to what my next entry about Pesach will be about: the Saders. Thank you G-d for the fun experiences, the good memories, the strange things, the hard days, and wonderful people. I love you with all that I am. |
What I learned about Pesach and will change for next year. Now that Pesach is over, I can look back and make a list to plan better for next year. (not that I didn't add to my least each day during). The first thing on my list is to have a list. I need a checklist to be organized. I understand why people start a month before Pesach starts. Spending one shopping trip the store for the entire week of Pesach is not a smart move. Trust me. I know. Things I want to do better next year: 1. I need to make sure I have cooking utensils (pans, pots, silverware, spatula, knife, etc.) 2. enough paper to cover the counters (it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be), 3. a liner for the sink (didn't have that this year), 4. enough painters tape, 5. food planned and cooked beforehand (food adventures will be another entry), 6. enough laundry done for two weeks (no laundry during the 8 days of Pesach) 7. More than two hand towels (see below) 8. All shopping done a week in advance (if possible) or at least most of it 9. Paper towels and Toilet Paper (pre-ripped), 10. Enough eating utensils (disposable plates, cups, silverware,) with spare for guests, 11. Enough time to organize the cupboards, fridge, freezer, pantry 12. Enough time to clean 13. A new alarm system for Pesach I still think some people take it a bit too far, but I can finally understand the desire to. However, I think a checklist of things I want to get accomplished each day would go far in keeping me organized and not feeling like I am overwhelmed at the last minute. When people asked me how I was doing with everything (expecting me to freak out like them, I guess?) I told them about wanting to make list. I learned a lot of people lists of recipes that went well or bad each year, things they want to remember from year to year, and things they never want to do again. It's amazing how many notebooks one couple had. I didn't know about not doing laundry even during the four days between the first two and last two days. I have exactly two hand towels for the bathroom. I change it every Friday morning. I do laundry on Sunday or Monday, so I have one always in the bathroom and one always in the laundry or in the closet. This did not work for Pesach. I changed my hand towel on Friday morning and had one until the next Friday morning. I was not able to do laundry so I had no towel to replace it with on the second Friday. I hope that ripping paper towel is okay during those days, because that is exactly what I had to do. I had no way of having a hand towel. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday (Friday was Good Friday and school was closed). I don't understand why I could work, but not do laundry. The logic behind that escapes me. This is all the time I have to write today. I still have a lot more to say. I will write more on Pesach all this week. Thank you G-d for this Pesach, for this season in my life, for my wonderful community and friends, and for everything in my life. I love you. |
| I stayed up until 1 am cleaning and preparing my house for Pesach (Passover). I washed all clothes that were dirty or could have possibly had crumbs on them, covered my stove, my kitchen counters, taped closed my cabinets, and wrapped my table and side table in plastic wrapping. Wrapping a table in plastic wrap at 11:30 at night does not look pretty. There is a tradition to hide 10 pieces of chametz around the house, and then go around with a lit candle, a wooden spoon, and a feather to find them. It wasn't until Midnight that I felt that I was done preparing the house and went in search of the chametz. Multiple places that I hid the chametz left me needing to clean something more. It was after 1 before I was done. I did not find a feather, so I wore a fuzzy, feather-like scrunchie on my wrist, I waved the wooden spoon that I had just bought hours before, and I burnt my fingers multiple times on the wax from tilting the candle (in a container). I felt silly. I wondered if it was part of the purpose. If getting rid of chametz is part of getting rid of your ego, there is no way to have an inflated ego while you're walking around in the dark with a candle while waving a wooden spoon and a feather (or fuzzy feather-like scrunchie) and looking for 10 pieces of chametz that you hid yourself! I was very tired when I finished, but my bedtime prayer was back to feeling like it did when I first read the words. My mind was empty of all the overthinking and all the lessons and the what I need to do's. I felt connected to G-d. I still got up at 5am and went to work. Poor kids. Coming home and getting ready for Shabbat was actually quite easy, because I had done most of the preparing late at night and in the middle of the night. I had laundry to fold, which only took minutes, I took out the garbage one last time, changed my towels, and I was done. I have a few minutes before Shabbat begins and the holiday of Pesach follows right after. One year ago, I attended my very first Seder. I had car trouble and other issues, and then the road was on fire. It was a day that I will never forget. I made it down here to the community by a miracle. I'm looking forward to doing the Seder again this year, because it won't be new. I will be able to understand some of it from last time and get new and deeper meaning out of it this time. This year, instead of both Seders spent at one place, I am attending two Seders with two different families. I researched Eliyahu to be able to present something at the second Seder. I just printed my notes because I was way too busy to write anything formally. I did, however learn a few things and had a good conversation with my Prayer tutor about the Seder and Eliyahu. He told me a good story that I wrote down also. It's going to be difficult not to write for days. I like taking notes on what I learn and experience so I can go back and relive those moments and want to remember everything I learned. They are all too good to forget. It is now time for me to go to Shabbat dinner with my wonderful friends. I hope you have a wonderful and meaningful Shabbat and Pesach. |
| Passover is a few days away. I am attempting to do as much as I can for Passover this year. I have an electric burner that has never been used, so I will be able to use that as my Pesach stove. I have a new pot that hasn't been used, so I will have a pot also. What I'm going to cook in them, I have no idea. I have taken my couch apart and thoroughly cleaned it, around it, and under it. My dining room is very clean also. I still need to tape the plastic cover to the top of the table. That will be done tomorrow. Some of my cupboards are done, but only some of them are taped. I will finish taping them tonight. It's amazing where crumbs go when you're not looking. I swear that I have never eaten next to internet router, but there was a crumb on the floor right next to it. Weird. I understand why people spend weeks cleaning. It seems that the more I clean, the more I find that needs cleaned. Whoever the Rabbi was that said cleaning should take 4 hours, was living in a different universe. There is no way that 4 hours is enough time. I have three ovens, let alone a refrigerator, dining room, counters, etc. Maybe 4 hours to clean out the fridge (well, my fridge) is enough time, but not for the entire house, including laundry. Then there is replacing toothpaste and toothbrush and searching pockets from coats and jackets that were used all year (or in one day in this state). It's a lot even when I'm not going overboard like some people do. I'm cleaning under the bookshelf (which does need it  ), or peeling all of my vegetables - just in case, or using no process food at all even if it certified kosher for Passover by the orthodox union. There's a lot that others do that I'm not doing. It's late. I have a bit more cleaning to do before going to bed. Then, I need to go shopping for food for the next week.  If I don't get a chance to write before Pesach begins, have a wonderful Passover (or Easter if you're one of those people). |
| There are times that I sit in synagogue or I read something on Shabbat and wish I could write right then! But there is no writing on Shabbat. I was listening during Torah reading only partially because I got caught up in the writing at the bottom of the page. This week's parshah as on the offerings that were brought to the temple. Obviously we don't bring sacrifices to the temple for sin offerings (when you break a negative commandment) or peace offerings (when you don't do a positive commandment) anymore, because the temple was destroyed. Though I have heard this section of Leviticus many times before, I was struck by something and immediately thanked Hashem for being so loving, forgiving, and amazing. It was what I read about the meal offering that had me awe-struck. When a poor person brings a meal offering, it is the size of his palm closed with only the middle three fingers (not thumb or pinky finger). With the size of my hands, I wonder if that is even the size of a kazayis (approx. the size of an olive). This meal offering (even with my tiny hands) is considered more worthy than a offering of a sheep or animal. What I read said that it is, "considered as if the person offered their entire soul" with just that size of an offering. I have always heard that G-d looks at the heart and knows a person's thoughts and intentions. He knows what no one else does about a person. He knows who we are inside. It made me look at offerings in a completely different way. It is not what was offered that was the significant factor. We did the offerings not because G-d needed them, he already own everything. After all, he created everything. He had us do the offerings because it was a way for us to see our own sin and how it affected the world and not just ourselves. We would then be able to work on ourselves to not sin again or to follow his commandments. Then G-d, in his kindness, would forgive us like it never even happened. What gets me the most out of all of this is that this is done, not for Hashem's benefit, but for our benefit. All of the rules (pages and pages worth) are so that we will see our own error, turn back to Hashem, ask for forgiveness, and get close with him again. So when someone who has little to nothing brings three fingers full of flour for a meal offering, G-d sees that he will give all that he has to be close with him again, and wants to be close with him again. When Hashem orchestrates such an elaborate thing (even though I'm only just reading about it) to get me to come back to our relationship and be close with him, how could saying a few prayers a day, or keeping kosher, or keeping Shabbat, or cleaning for Pesach be an inconvenience. In the symphony of this world, anything that Hashem requires of me seems so little in comparison to his great love for me. Hashem is amazing. |
| Pesach is only a week away. I have been taking things into my classroom and letting the kids choose what they want. It has made getting rid of chametz easier, but not easy at the same time. I can't believe how much I live on this stuff. What am I going to do with all my hummus? I can't eat it on Pesach, or have it on Pesach, but there is so much of it! I'll figure it out, I'm sure. I know that I should be feeling overwhelmed, but I'm not. Work has been good this week, and I found out that I was chosen to work summer school. That gives me the extra income needed to sustain myself here another year and start saving again. I learned a lot in classes this week about rules for keeping food warm on Shabbat, and the reasons we say some of the prayers, and prayer's timing. GZ had his classes this week, and I attended quite a few of them to learn Hebrew vocabulary, grammar, and conversation. He also had is biblical classes that I attended. It really has been a good week of learning. Still, the more I learn, the more I want to learn and the more I want this. I'm coming into Shabbat with one of the happiest moods and one of the best weeks since I've been here. |
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