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Random babblings of a confused miniature writer |
| A blog/journal just to babble/dabble in to try to keep my friends up to date on my pitiful existence. |
| well, I had finished my chemotherapy about a week ago and went today to see what the next step was. The prognosis was not good. the chemo had done little to nothing. The mass in my uterus had barely shrunk. So the next step is radiation. I need to get ahold of the radiologist and see what step of possibly several we need to take next. From what was mentioned, one treatment may be a 15 minute a day, five days a week cycle. Sounds like fun. I can freely admit that I am scared. Any time I think about it I want to curl up in a ball, tremble and just cry, On an upnote I've been writing again. I scribbled some notes on a new story. I added some notes to a couple of my novels. I've thought about trying to write some flash fiction or rewriting some of the short pieces I have. Right now I just have no way of keeping track of a word count among other things. I'll figure on typing things out at Clubhouse or the library. In the meantime, writing things out longhand will have to do. |
| Spent Tuesday going through the writings in my closet and under the bed. I was hoping that at least one of my notes would ignite the original spark I had with the idea. No such luck. I am hopelessly blocked on all my current stories. I have the beginnings and even parts of the middles; I even have some vague ideas of the endings. Making the pieces fit together however is a whole different entity. One of my biggest problems is that I have no one who wants to read what I have. It would help if I had an opinion if it is working. I am constantly second guessing myself on different aspects of the stories. "Would that really happen in that time frame?" 'Is that scene believable?" "Is it possible for that to happen that way?" Terry says I should start something new. I feel guilty about all these partial stories. I should finish something. I know I am not doing any reading and that contributes to the problem. How am I supposed to know what works if I am not looking at what has worked for others? Oh I read Writer's Digest and once in a while I look up advice on writing specific things, but no fiction. I have no real passion about anything anymore. I lack feelings. Without feelings, there is no spark. I'm hoping that I will feel something soon. It feels like my life is on hold. I cannot plan for anything until I find out what others have in mind. |
| Wrote down the prompts to three August contests that I thought might inspire me. Probably won't submit them if I do get them written for various reasons. Still, at least I am trying. I found out about a week ago that the Word program on my laptop has expired. This sucks in a whole fudge load of ways, not the least of which is I am unable to type any of my stories; new ones or rewrites. I have a tablet that does have a word program, but I cannot see myself typing anything longer than a page on it. If I can bring myself to write something that I would like to submit to a contest, I will see if I can get myself to type it into the tablet. If everything goes okay, I will be having my final dose of chemotherapy tomorrow. In the beginning of September, I will see my cancer specialist and we will be deciding how to proceed. More than likely I will be having a hysterectomy. There are so many things that I wish I could do that are being prevented by my illness. The only thing I can do is dream of being able to do them and more next year. People around me say that I am doing more than they would expect from someone in my condition. I wish I could see it. I feel I do so little. |
| i don't know what is going on, I keep getting TV mixed up with reality for one. There are rumors going around that I died. My laptop keys are getting rubbed off. I don't know which way is up.It takes all I have in me to keep things straight. I am seeing stars. How am I supposed to blog when I don't know what ia going on? I have an appointment today, but it got changed to just a blood draw. If I could I would change doctors because mine went in for surgery and it seems like his assistants are overwhelmed. I am so close to all of this being over with. otherwise, I would search for another doctor. I am always itchy znd spasming, |
| Not much going on here. Haven't been out of the house except for doctors appointments. On Tuesday I let the schedulers arrange the transportation to my MRI appointment in East China at River District Hospital. The test was fine, I guess, but they neglected to arrange the transportation back home. Luckily the bus showed up and it was a 5 hour drive back to Poort Huron. Then I took the local bus 45 minutes downtown only to find out the closest they could drop me off was 12 blocks from the house. Finally Terry sprung for a $10 cab ride to get me home. The next time I have to River District I'm making my pwn transportation arrangements. Thursday I had my Chmotherapy treatment. Other than the fact that I fell out of the chair reaching for my blanket everything was okay. Had to run back on Friday for the white cell booster shot. everything good. I think it was Wednesday I started editing my novel. It was the firsst time I touched any of my novels in at least six months.It felt good. I have nothing scheduled for next week but of course things will probably come up. |
| Hey, I can see!!! I can eat a bit. i think everything seems to be off because of the chemotherapy. I only have two or three sessions left then we are going to re-evaluate things. It seems to be going well so far and surgery is on the horizon. The mass attaching itself to the bladder is still a concern. I have to go for an MRI in September to compare notes with previous scans. Another concern is that my hemoglobin levels keep dropping. I've had to have blood transfusions four times; one of which put me in the hospital for four days. I'm hoping it is just because of the chemo and I won't have to deal with it when I am done with this mess. Even though I'm still in the middle of this mess, I surprised myself yesterday. I started thinking about writing again, Ideas for the novels I already have in the works came to me from out of the blue. I wanted to start collecting prompts again. I thought a bit about what weekly writing goals might look like. I mused about writing some snail mail. There is so much I want to get back to. So much that I want to do. I'd like to go to Clubhouse on a regular basis and become a prominent contributor to the Monthly Newsletter. I'd like to come up with and spearhead a fund raiser or two, I want to help others with their projects. I'm always thinking about going to the YMCA on a semi-regular basis to go swimming and exercise. I'd like to possibly volunteer at the library or start a writing group. I don't know. So many things swimming through my head. Right now I can't really do anything about any of it. It's going on 1:30 am and I have a semi-busy day planned. |
| So far, nothing. Since my first eye appointment, I have been having serious trouble with my eye itching, burning, and gluing themselves shut. I went to another eye doctor that the first one referred me to find out that what I was referred for was basically nothing. The irritation I've been having is dry eye. I guess the excessive drainage is all in my head. I am having a hard time seeing and all I want to do is scream. I don't care for my new glasses; the lens get dirty quickly and a lot. now to my mouth. I have a complete set of dentures that I don't wear because they don't stay in and they hurt my mouth. I think I gave up on using them a year ago. My mouth and tongue hurt enough without them. Went to the dentist today to find out that she wants me to stop all the things that are helping because there is nothing wrong. I do have a rash around the outside of my mouth that she is prescribing Nystatin cream for. Tis is also the cream that my other doctors I see keep me in well stock of for my rash in various unmentionable places. She wants me to come back in a year. My whole-body hurts and it is excruciating to move. With my mouth in such pain eating is an adventure in pure torture. All I want to do is sleep. My chest feels like there is boulder settingI'll on it and it is hard to breathe. |
| Had a blood transfusion on Monday. Didn't help anything. Went out with my peer support on Wednesday. Was okay. Looked at wigs that cost way too much. Went to the restaurant and had milk shakes and cheese sticks. Had a semi-good conversation. Have another Chemo session next Thursday. I have no life and can't get myself to do anything that would help me; like locating my drawing supplies or blank writing tools. I should clean and organize my room again. I shouldn't be spending so much time laying on the recliner in the living room watching TV (even if T is loving it). I can't write any more.... I can't see..... |
| Well I'm getting new, much stronger glasses in three weeks. Feels good to think I just might be able to see. Got my walker exchanged. Cute little red one with a seat and a bag. I'll use it when I got a lot of walking to do. I know I need to quit beating myself up about not writing. I have the shakes so bad most of the time I can barely type let alone put pen to paper. Believe it or not what I have been thinking about doing is drawing and painting. I know I am not going to be pleased with the end product (I am no artist) but at least I can say I attempted something. Just got the inkling to write a Children's Book about mice. My muse kicked in to writing something about the first day of school. Maybe I'll see about scratching some notes on it later. Canceled out seeing Cathy anymore. I just wasn't accomplishing anything. Besides with Ds paranoia following me around in my head I don't have much to talk about without alarms going off. I wish I didn't have to see Jacob and could just see Laura and Amy but I think Laura and Jacob are a package deal. I adore Laura too much to let her go. Been putting all my money into the house this month. Haven't really bought a thing for myself. I don't care. Just wish T would stop asking me where all my money went. Got a summons to do jury duty. Took it to Jacob and he and Oncology are getting me out of it. I'd never make it past the selection process anyhow. My views are too radical. |
| I have left the house twice in the past two weeks with my Case Manager from CMH to do paperwork. D had to sternly tell me as I'm going out the door "make sure you're reading what you are signing". I just roll my eyes and ask him "why wouldn't I?". Had chemo on Thursday and it is knocking me on my ass this time. It feels like my insides, especially my muscular structure, has melted and it is filling up my legs, making them heavy and hard to manage. I'm fine as long as I don't have to move. my head feels like a bobble head doll.my eyesight is blurry. I don't want to do anything but lay around and hopefully sleep. I hate myself for not writing. I just can't get myself to put pen to paper or even try to type something. I guess I'll settle for the sporadic blog entries. |
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