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Random babblings of a confused miniature writer |
| A blog/journal just to babble/dabble in to try to keep my friends up to date on my pitiful existence. |
| I have left the house twice in the past two weeks with my Case Manager from CMH to do paperwork. D had to sternly tell me as I'm going out the door "make sure you're reading what you are signing". I just roll my eyes and ask him "why wouldn't I?". Had chemo on Thursday and it is knocking me on my ass this time. It feels like my insides, especially my muscular structure, has melted and it is filling up my legs, making them heavy and hard to manage. I'm fine as long as I don't have to move. my head feels like a bobble head doll.my eyesight is blurry. I don't want to do anything but lay around and hopefully sleep. I hate myself for not writing. I just can't get myself to put pen to paper or even try to type something. I guess I'll settle for the sporadic blog entries. |
| The past few days have been hell. D has decided to settle on me as the cause to all his ills. It has gone from "i have loose lips and CMH blew it all out of proportion" to "I purposely tried to sabotage him and T". Either choice is why APS showed up at the house last week. Now every time I head out to a CMH appointment I get the stern look, shaking finger, 'you better watch what you are saying and not talk about anything going on in the house". I've had two panic attacks this week and just wish I could cry it out; but that release valve has been broken. Instead I hide in sleep as much as I can. My walker showed up today. It is one of those no frills silver ones. I had one like it before and flipped it twice. What I need is my blue one with the seat that D hid somewhere. I have a combination hope/dread that I am going to be evicted. Tomorrow I am going to see my psychiatrist. I am about an inch away of saying "fudge it all" and closing my case. I am going to flat out ask her for an anxiety med that is going to work. IF she refuses I don't know what I'll do. I've got to sync my wall calendar with my phone calendar. I made appointments for Neurology and Eye Doctor. I have to stop putting my life on hold just because of the cancer and going through Chemo. I've been wanting to write but I don't want to work on the things I already have started. That leaves very little to do. I'll figure something out. |
| Follow up with my chemo doctors yesterday. Ordered me pain pills and a new walker. Doesn't help to get my roommates to lay off and leave me alone. Dr. also ordered me a mouth rinse but forgot to call it in to the pharmacy so now I can't get it until Monday. Everybody is on my back because my pain pill is a narcotic. Give me a break. I'm taking it as prescribed. I am so tired, and the pain pills seem to be causing more pain, not less. i don't want to die but I wouldn't mind checking out of life for a few days. |
| Sorry. They don't have guest wifi where I get chemo and I haven't felt much like writing the past few days. So many stressful things going on that I can't talk about. What I can talk about no one listens anyhow. No one wants to hear about how sick the chemo is making me despite them promising to be sympathetic. I took the day for myself today and hid in my room sleeping. I am not going to let them use me. It is getting ridiculous. I get told that I don't have to walk the dog then get yelled at for not doing it. Not to mention things are getting done that our former tenants got yelled at for. I don't know. I get told it is my house too but when I mention something that's not right I get told that I am just seeing things wrong and I should mind my own business. I feel like I have said too much without really saying anything. I'm going to see my peer support on Thursday and I feel like I can't say anything. I feel like I should be making plans to move on my own but I am so sick I need the companionship. I don't know why I keep a blog. I never have anything to say and most of the time I don't make entries. The only thing I can figure is that it keeps me writing something. |
| I'm scared. My nerves are all on edge. I can't sleep. It feels like all my nerve endings are firing. I'm stiff as a board. Nothing I do is helping. I'm in a cold sweat. I am getting my first round of Chemotherapy today. I just think about it, and I get nauseous. There's nothing left in my stomach anyways. I've had to fast since midnight. As I write this it is 3:15 am. I need to do something, but I don't really want to. I don't know any more for sure if this is a mindfulness activity. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Want to laugh? I just thought of starting the third novel in my series with Darrel and the gang in it. It is definitely laughable as I can't even finish the two I already have in the works. I am truly pitiful. My laptop just told me I needed to put commas in places in this entry. Most of them don't look right. I'm taking my tablet with me to chemo so I might add to this entry while I'm there. |
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