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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| I have a question for anyone who happens to read this... Have you ever walked in on people talking about you unfavorably? Or received a text meant for someone else that included disparaging things about you? I am living out that scenario right now. I am not quite sure how to proceed. This has the potential to destroy my family, so I am treading lightly, and have an appointment with my therapist today, where I will discuss what was said, and how I should respond. On Monday, I received a very long email from my brother discussing the progress so far on his efforts to clean out my parent's garage and house so he can move in with his boyfriend. I noticed that the email didn't sound like my brother wrote it. It was an exhaustive tome about how this is affecting HIM, and how he feels like I am not doing enough to help him. The whole email felt unnecessary, as we had already made plans with my brother to be there this weekend. This was old news. I kept reading to the bottom of the email, and noticed that it was indeed written by my brother's boyfriend, which had then been forwarded to me by my brother. What my brother failed to do was NOT include the rest of the message AFTER the original email that WAS meant for me. In the message to my brother, there was discussion about MY mental health, MY reaction to an emotional ambush they had pulled on me a month ago, and my mental stability. They talked about lying to me to further encourage me to come out and help. There was a lot more- including placing all of the blame on me for the absolute disaster in the garage and house after a terrible rat infestation, that occurred when I was not even living there. It felt like a punch to the gut. I sent ONE text to my brother letting him know what I had read. I told him that his claims about my mental health, the state of the house, and their decision to play two faced and present themselves as excited to be back in my life, while also stabbing me in the back, was categorical unfair. I was not angry. I was hurt, and I said it. His reply? "Maybe you needed to see it. I am not going to apologize, and I can't take it back." Can you say narcissitic personality disorder? He went on to berate me about how bad HE has it. How my reading their messages caused their first fight. You know the type... no matter what you are going through, they have it worse. ALWAYS. And if you are happy in any way, they will come along and punch you down. This has been my whole life. I have forgiven SO many serious transgressions at the hands of my two brothers. Grieve, forgive, rebuild, another issue? Grieve, forgive, and rebuild again. But this time? This time I have over two years of weekly therapy under my belt. I don't crash out anymore. I think. I plot. Then I execute a plan. I work in the shadows, and when I am through, we either come out the other side bruised but okay, or I go scorched earth, and I cease to exist in your life. This time feels like the latter. How much am I expected to allow? Metaphorically, it feels like I was not only thrown under the bus, but they have backed over me ten times. I will not respond to my brother until I have talked to Lauren, my therapist. My fiancé, friends, and daughter have all said it is time to block my brother, and move forward. But here comes the grief again. I have lost SO much to grief. Actual deaths in the dozens just in the last eight years, the loss of relationships, having to move pretty frequently in the last three years, each time having to leave precious things behind, the grief you feel when you are going through an impossible situation like homelessness, or your home being destroyed by a wildfire... It's a lot. I am not sure if there is healing that can be done together at this point. Their messages told me exactly how they feel about me. And it has me questioning every interaction, every event, every effort and energy that I have put into building a solid relationship with my brother. They are at the very least disingenuous. Two faced. Too quick to mock my mental health. I do not feel emotionally or psychologically SAFE with them anymore, and I am not sure that an apology can fix this. His boyfriend texted yesterday morning. I knew it was coming. He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of himself. Said he doesn't expect forgiveness. But he apologized. I left him on read. My brother texted today acting like nothing had happened. Wanting to know if I was coming out, also to say he was worried about our health, blah, blah, blah... I kept my replies short. Relevant info only. I am curious to hear what Lauren has to say.' |
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