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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| I am fairly open about my mental health struggles. Long ago, around the time that I broke out on my own with Zoe after the divorce, into our own apartment, away from my mother's crushing expectations and judgements, I dropped almost every iota of concern of what others thought of me. But it was not until 2023 that I finally had concrete answers to questions I had given up hope of finding. I had a team of doctors, a therapist, and a psych nurse practitioner. The therapist and psych suggested I get tested for ADHD. I had to see a specialist that could do the specific test I needed, but that came with the requirement of two video visits with an unaffiliated psych medical group. I had one session, then the test, then a session to discuss the results. I was not quite expecting the depth and the breadth of the information this doctor would lay in my lap. I very much do have ADHD. That alone was earth shattering. But then came the rest of the news. Complex PTSD. Anxiety. Depression. And the doozy of them all; Borderline Personality Disorder traits minus the aggressive outbursts and rage. It was a lot to take in. I reported back to my established care team. Their reactions were basically, "Yup. Knew it. Didn't want to alarm you without knowing for sure, but we know how to proceed, now." It has been about a year and a half since I got the results and started treatments. I feel as though I have come a long way since then. But I find something new out about myself every single day. Self acceptance takes time. I am working on that. Everyday, it seems I have yet another a-ha moment of clarity. "Well now, that explains why I do this." I had never been in a stable relationship before Rick. Our relationship is sacred to me. And it is for him as well. He has a past with a painful relationship with his children's mother. They never married, and that was a good thing. She was as close to being a narcissist as one without a psych degree could say. She made his life a living hell. So we both know dysfunction. We treat each other with the utmost care and respect. But I would be lying if I didn't compare myself to her. She's beautiful, thin. My issues with her began when Rick went to New York with his mother to see his daughter graduate from Bard College. Of course his ex was there. I was not. I felt left behind. I had a house sitting gig that overlapped with the trip, and we didn't exactly have the money for another plane ticket. After Rick got home he mentioned it was for the best that I didn't go anyway, as he didn't want to expose me to her nasty energy. But then I happened upon pictures of them- Rick, his son Bix, his daughter Scarlet, and his ex. Together. On an outing to a farm. It tugged at the places in me that have faced betrayal before. But this was different. This time, I know that my relationship is stable. But I still found myself battling the same demons I have in the past. Jealousy and envy are a bitch. Now it is time for his son's senior class activities. Rick was very stressed about attending one event on a day that his ex and her sisters would be attending. I wondered out loud to him if he was so worried about this because he is embarrassed of ME. He swears that it is more about her bad energy and not wanting to expose me to them, but it FEELS like he does not want me around them because he is worried about what they will say and do. Borderline personality disorder is a bitch. It will lie to you. Make you feel inferior to everyone. It causes you to leap to conclusions that aren't necessarily true. It tells to to pick up and run. And this is the point in the cycle, where in the past, I would've done just that. Run. But I am not running this time. I am digging down into the trenches and working on my own issues. I am loving on him extra hard, and trying so hard to stand firm in the commitment he made when we got engaged. I have to accept that I am the one with the issues. Rick is the greatest, most kind and gently human I have ever known. This is all on me. Some days, that's okay. But some days, it's tough. I am hopeful that today will be one of the days that I feel okay. |
| Chemo is kicking my ass. |
| I had planned on writing a more lengthy journal entry, UNTIL I came upon a news story about a Palestinian official at a hearing, SOBBING as he delivered this statistic- 930,000 CHILDREN have been MURDERED by Israel. Let that sink in. 930,000 CHILDREN whose blood is on the hands of Israel and everyone who has supported this genocide. f*** politics. This goes far beyond politics. Whole families burned alive. There is ZERO justification for this. If I let my mind settle on this, I find myself in the depths of despair. |
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