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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| I have a question for anyone who happens to read this... Have you ever walked in on people talking about you unfavorably? Or received a text meant for someone else that included disparaging things about you? I am living out that scenario right now. I am not quite sure how to proceed. This has the potential to destroy my family, so I am treading lightly, and have an appointment with my therapist today, where I will discuss what was said, and how I should respond. On Monday, I received a very long email from my brother discussing the progress so far on his efforts to clean out my parent's garage and house so he can move in with his boyfriend. I noticed that the email didn't sound like my brother wrote it. It was an exhaustive tome about how this is affecting HIM, and how he feels like I am not doing enough to help him. The whole email felt unnecessary, as we had already made plans with my brother to be there this weekend. This was old news. I kept reading to the bottom of the email, and noticed that it was indeed written by my brother's boyfriend, which had then been forwarded to me by my brother. What my brother failed to do was NOT include the rest of the message AFTER the original email that WAS meant for me. In the message to my brother, there was discussion about MY mental health, MY reaction to an emotional ambush they had pulled on me a month ago, and my mental stability. They talked about lying to me to further encourage me to come out and help. There was a lot more- including placing all of the blame on me for the absolute disaster in the garage and house after a terrible rat infestation, that occurred when I was not even living there. It felt like a punch to the gut. I sent ONE text to my brother letting him know what I had read. I told him that his claims about my mental health, the state of the house, and their decision to play two faced and present themselves as excited to be back in my life, while also stabbing me in the back, was categorical unfair. I was not angry. I was hurt, and I said it. His reply? "Maybe you needed to see it. I am not going to apologize, and I can't take it back." Can you say narcissitic personality disorder? He went on to berate me about how bad HE has it. How my reading their messages caused their first fight. You know the type... no matter what you are going through, they have it worse. ALWAYS. And if you are happy in any way, they will come along and punch you down. This has been my whole life. I have forgiven SO many serious transgressions at the hands of my two brothers. Grieve, forgive, rebuild, another issue? Grieve, forgive, and rebuild again. But this time? This time I have over two years of weekly therapy under my belt. I don't crash out anymore. I think. I plot. Then I execute a plan. I work in the shadows, and when I am through, we either come out the other side bruised but okay, or I go scorched earth, and I cease to exist in your life. This time feels like the latter. How much am I expected to allow? Metaphorically, it feels like I was not only thrown under the bus, but they have backed over me ten times. I will not respond to my brother until I have talked to Lauren, my therapist. My fiancé, friends, and daughter have all said it is time to block my brother, and move forward. But here comes the grief again. I have lost SO much to grief. Actual deaths in the dozens just in the last eight years, the loss of relationships, having to move pretty frequently in the last three years, each time having to leave precious things behind, the grief you feel when you are going through an impossible situation like homelessness, or your home being destroyed by a wildfire... It's a lot. I am not sure if there is healing that can be done together at this point. Their messages told me exactly how they feel about me. And it has me questioning every interaction, every event, every effort and energy that I have put into building a solid relationship with my brother. They are at the very least disingenuous. Two faced. Too quick to mock my mental health. I do not feel emotionally or psychologically SAFE with them anymore, and I am not sure that an apology can fix this. His boyfriend texted yesterday morning. I knew it was coming. He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of himself. Said he doesn't expect forgiveness. But he apologized. I left him on read. My brother texted today acting like nothing had happened. Wanting to know if I was coming out, also to say he was worried about our health, blah, blah, blah... I kept my replies short. Relevant info only. I am curious to hear what Lauren has to say.' |
| "I didn't follow the golden rule. I'm sorry." The words I said last night to my fiancé as I was having a very vivid dream. I have been plagued by dreams that wouldn't fall under the night terrors category, but I am talking in my sleep almost nightly. Rick, my fiancé reports back to me in the morning. I remember forcing myself awake last night. Rick was stroking my hair as he softly said, "You're okay. You're safe. I love you. You're beautiful." I turned over and was out again. I spent the whole of last deep in withdrawal from Seroquel, which I use for insomnia. There had been a miscommunication between my insurance and the pharmacy, which left me without my medication, and withdrawing. It was nothing short of terrible. Intense body aches, headache, extreme stomach pain and diarrhea. I called my psych and made an appointment. At first, the receptionist said they couldn't get me in until a week later. I explained my symptoms, and he scheduled a call for the next morning at 7:30. Daniel, my psych (yes we are on a first name basis) called before I even had a chance to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. He was empathetic, as usual, and figured out the issue with my insurance, and managed to find a work around that would give me what I needed. That day was scary. The abdominal pain was awful, and if I hadn't had the new prescription to take that night, I would have gone to the hospital, which I never do unless absolutely necessary. Rick picked my meds up after work, and thank goodness the re-introduction to Seroquel seemed to stop the pain I had been dealing with for days. To say I am stressed is a vast understatement. I love having my daughter here, and if we did not have such a restrictive lease, having her here on a more long term basis would be no problem. But the lease is a lease. So I have to make a plan for her, and I have ZERO ideas about how I am going to pull this off. I don't want her to feel alone or discarded. My only solution is to take her to my brother's and stay with her- killing two birds with one stone. We would have a break from having to hide her, and we could help my brother get moved out of his house. I hate being away from Rick, but I will do whatever I need to to ensure she is safe and ok. I think I am suffering from some serious fatigue. It has been triggering to say the least. |
| "Just deal with what is right in front of you, right now. Don't think too much about what is happening in the world. Just focus on yourself and Rick." My therapist and I have been working together for almost two years. When I think about the people in my life that I trust explicitly with my truth, my skeletons, there are three people. My therapist Lauren, Rick, and my best friend Debi. Know who's at the top of the list? You'd think I would say Rick, my fiancé, but no... It's Lauren. We have been having weekly appointments this entire time. Some people are okay seeing their therapist once a month. Oh, but not me. I am a certified basket case, and I require much more than that. She is a Godsend, truly. She has been there for me through so much. We have laughed together, cried together, and shared so much. I even saw her in public at one point, at the Doo-dah Parade of of places, but I did not want to shatter the professional relationship by approaching her and her fiancé while we are all out enjoying our day. I told her about it at the next session, and she told me to ABSOLUTELY say hello the next time I see her. We live in the same little alcove of Los Angeles, and it is most certainly bound to happen again. This lady has brought me back from the brink of suicide, through being forced to stay in a very abusive living situation with a friend, through a harrowing sexual assault that I was one hundred percent certain I would not survive, through a couple of less than ideal relationships, and finally to the point where I met Rick, and my life changed forever. I have done a lot of hard things to get through it all. Healing is not linear, and Lauren has helped me to recognize that working on our trauma and diagnoses is a never ending process. I have come so far in my life thanks to her. And I am confident enough in the work we have done that I have allowed myself to feel pride. Lately, we have been working on my reactions and emotions during difficult situations, situations that would have caused me to crash out previously, now find me dealing with things more appropriately. I am hoping we can continue indefinitely. We shall see. |
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