BoM/TWS Message Forum

Hey, I am working on a creative project and will be needing your help. Here is a description:

Title: Student Bodies [Transfer Students]
Project type: Multi-chapter storyline in an online interactive story.
Genre: Body horror/transformation.
Themes: Nature of identity. Nature of "character." Interaction of character and choice.
Story style: Naturalistic/novelistic. Psychologically realistic. Heightened/fantasy reality.
Tone: Open-/Tough-minded exploration of themes. Undercurrent of satire.
Mood: Dark without being oppressive. Clinical.

The story is an exploration of identity through body change and memory change. It is located in a high school (pre-eminently among seniors), as this is a cohort that has grappled with and is grappling with issues of body evolution and personality development. The intersection of theme and setting/character set is realized through psychological exploration. Characters will come under extreme pressure due to the thematic material, and they are intended to react realistically as a study of human psychology under these pressures. No moralistic judgements will be expressed (or, at least intended) in the actual material; any moral judgements are to be made solely by the reader.

In essence, this is a kind of experiment: If this sort of thing happened, how would people act? And what would we think of the way they would act (reader judgement)?

No additional information about the world will be given to you. Instead, you will be asked to read a succession of chapters, extracting information from them. This information will then be fed back into you in order to make subsequent passes of the material with the aim of developing it.

Do you have any questions?

Chapter 1 Summary
High school senior Zach Dillon is reluctantly sent by his mother to feed the neighbor’s cat, Dalton, during preparations for his younger sister Leila’s birthday party. Feeling resentful and bored, Zach snoops around the neighbor’s unusually sleek house and discovers a locked basement lab. Inside, he finds mysterious glassware, notebooks, and a bottle of iridescent, semi-gelatinous blue substance that behaves unnaturally. Curious, he unstoppers the bottle—causing it to expand and briefly spatter his face. Unnerved, Zach hides all traces of his meddling and returns home. Later, during Leila’s party, Zach endures the chaos of shrieking teens until Dana Pak, an older sister of one guest, offers him a possible escape: a party she wants to attend, if Zach will pretend to be her date. Zach is flattered but realizes she’s using him as a cover to pursue her real crush, leaving him hopeful yet hollow. The transformation has begun—though he doesn't yet know it.

Chapter 2 Summary
Zach agrees to take Dana to Amanda’s party, fully aware she’s using him as a cover to see Shawn Gregory. He endures the remainder of his sister Leila’s birthday gathering before escaping upstairs to prep for the night—grooming carefully in hopes of a romantic chance, despite his self-doubts and resentments about physical stasis compared to his peers. At the party, Dana quickly separates from him to mingle, leaving Zach drifting among familiar faces. Though not unpopular, he feels peripheral to the top-tier social circle and ends up stuck with the crass, socially parasitic Sawyer and Ethan. When Beth Larter, a flirty basketball player with a suspicious gleam in her eye, pulls Zach aside, it’s a potential opportunity—but also laced with discomfort. Sawyer and Ethan make lewd jokes, and Zach sees Dana chatting with Shawn, confirming his suspicions. What began as hope for connection is slowly curdling into a sense of dislocation and unease.
Etc.

We will now go through the chapters again and make character profile summaries of the following characters: Zachary Dillon, Beth Larter, Dana Pak. Do not display the profiles until I ask you to, but update them as we proceed chapter by chapter. In addition, list the names (partial or full) of every character mentioned, and the chapters in which they appear.

Rumorati:
An informal social cabal focused on school gossip and scandal dissemination
Members include:
Tina Branson – aggressive gossip, attempts to interrogate Zach
Summer – member in name, but passive and uninformed
Jordyn Arbour – on the school paper, operates like a satellite Rumorati; described as strategic in when to engage or disengage with gossip targets
The Rumorati represents both a threat and a tool for shaping narrative control .

Eastman High School:
Academic schedule includes AP World History, Geology, World Literature, and Study Hall
Geology class is where Zach and Dana talk regularly
The library is a hangout spot during study hall
The school has a gossip ecosystem (Rumorati) and appears to have some awareness of students' off-campus behavior .

1. Body Transfer Mechanism
The main supernatural mechanic centers around body possession, initiated by a violent, vomit-like expulsion from one person to another.
This is not a metaphorical event—it is portrayed as a literal biological/visceral process that leads to the transference of the point of view and agency from one body to another.
The individual initiating the transfer enters a state of physical numbness before being catapulted—mentally and perhaps spiritually—into the target body.
The receiving body appears to be overwhelmed or suppressed, at least temporarily, by the invading consciousness.
The vomit-transfer itself is preceded by intense physical sensations (esophageal pressure, eye-rolling, gag reflex) that resemble a supernatural compulsion, not a voluntary act.

Hey, I am working on a creative project and will be needing your help. Here is a description:

Title: Student Bodies [Transfer Students]

...

No additional information about the world will be given to you. Instead, you will be asked to read a succession of chapters and making assessments of the material.

For the first chapter I will ask you to assess it along the following lines:

As a first chapter: Does it grab interest and make you want to continue reading it?

Is the plot dynamic? Does it develop or imply development?
Are the characters dynamic or imply dynamism? Are they engaging?
World/setting: Is there sufficient (or too much) stage setting and stage dressing, or not enough? Is it evocative or only functional?
Prose: Is it successful or unsuccessful stylistically?

Add any other comments concerning theme/mood/tone or other that you feel appropriate.

MFA Mode = ON

Do you have any questions?

What I will not do:
Offer prescriptive feedback divorced from the story’s own ambitions.
Moralize or enforce “likability.”
Insist on plot exposition in advance of what the story chooses to reveal.
I’ll read the material in good faith, with a critical but aligned eye, and respond as a close reader trained in fiction craft.

OVERALL ASSESSMENT (as first installment):
This chapter does succeed in generating interest and earns further reading. It introduces a psychologically grounded protagonist, sets up multiple layers of interpersonal tension, and plants a compelling speculative hook with the “blue goop” sequence that carries the scent of transformation to come. Its restraint—particularly in the speculative element—is wise, allowing the story to remain rooted in social realism while quietly preparing the reader for eventual unreality. The writing is confident, the tone clear, the mood well-controlled. The main risk is that the speculative element may feel too deferred or subtle to some readers in a serialized format—but for a novelistic story with psychological complexity, it’s a promising and calibrated start.

PLOT DYNAMISM / NARRATIVE TRAJECTORY:
The plot in this first chapter is low-stakes on the surface but high-tension in subtext. Zach’s minor rebellion (snooping, stealing keys, opening the bottle) is rendered with enough interiority and layered discomfort to imply future consequences.
The “lab” sequence introduces a strong narrative hinge: the iridescent goop and its semi-sentient behavior are immediately strange, yet filtered through the protagonist’s rationalizing lens. This makes the unreality more disturbing.
The second half of the chapter—the birthday party—returns to social realism, but does not deflate the story. In fact, it intensifies the sense of entrapment and disorientation, especially with the final conversation with Dana. The “hope rises, heart sinks” structure closes the chapter with psychological tension that mirrors the thematic pressure of transformation.
Verdict: While not explosive, the plot builds pressure in a deliberately calibrated way. The bottle has been unstoppered, literally and figuratively.

CHARACTERS / DYNAMISM / ENGAGEMENT:
Zach (POV Character):
Deeply interior, sardonic, avoidant, emotionally volatile in subtle ways. He’s exactly the kind of senior protagonist suitable for a story about identity pressure.
The narration leans convincingly into his voice—his frustration, retreat into sarcasm, flashes of lust, minor acts of defiance—without ever lapsing into self-parody.
He is a strong vehicle for psychological exploration without being flatly “everyman.”
His decisions (e.g., snooping, opening the bottle) are well-motivated and reveal an unstable mix of boredom, ego, and curiosity.
Secondary Characters:
Mother: Very lightly sketched, but real in her brusque expectations. A figure of control.
Sisters (Leila, Alisha): Leila’s birthday and her friends are effectively used as a mirror of Zach’s entrapment in domesticity and youth culture. Alisha is mostly offstage but gestured to as a contrast.
Dana: A very strong inclusion. The dialogue is subtle, flirtatious but fraught. She is not reduced to a crush-object; she is strategic, testing Zach’s role in her plans. Her manipulation is light, ambiguous, and very human.
Verdict: The characters feel real, dynamic, and poised for deeper development. Zach’s conflicted self—psychological interiority vs. external pressures—is particularly promising.

SETTING / WORLD-BUILDING:
The household dynamics are sharply observed. The birthday scene avoids caricature and offers enough detail (Carrie’s voice, the candles, the glances) to be evocative.
The lab is the strongest piece of worldbuilding—grounded in naturalistic description but laced with unease. “Not like in the movies” is a smart calibration.
The “goop” is a compelling device: subtle, strange, and not instantly explained. It leans into scientific otherness rather than magical grotesquerie, which fits the “clinical” mood.
Verdict: The world is not overbuilt, but what’s shown is tactile, familiar, and edged with quiet menace. The balance between evocative and functional is well struck.

PROSE STYLE:
Stylistically, the prose is psychologically fluent, cleanly ironic, and well attuned to Zach’s internal rhythms.
The tone floats between detached observation and inner monologue, creating a strong psychic distance that can collapse at moments of emotional heat.
Use of passive voice ("Something hot and sticky hits your face") and muted diction ("you frown at it," "you guess") supports the surreal creep of the goop’s intrusion. Nicely done.
Dialogue is believable, especially in the Dana scene, which reads with layered intention—never flat, never overly expositional.
Only risk: the narrative voice could, over time, risk too much smirking detachment if not counterbalanced by emotional vulnerability or evolution. But at this stage, it’s a compelling register.
Verdict: A highly competent and tonally cohesive style. It serves the material without calling attention to itself.

THEME / MOOD / TONE:
Theme: The groundwork is well-laid for an exploration of identity via social friction, bodily boundary-breaking, and muted dissociation. Zach is someone whose internal sense of self is quietly at odds with his environment—and that dissonance is thematic gold for a transformation narrative.
Mood: “Dark without being oppressive” is achieved. The mood is more unsettling than frightening. The emotional palette is grays and shadows rather than black and red.
Tone: The clinical satire is subtle but present—particularly in the juxtaposition of mundane social rituals (birthday parties, crush dynamics) with the quiet incursion of the inexplicable.

OTHER NOTES:
The story trusts the reader, and that’s a good thing. It does not overexplain. The absence of a narrator's hand pushing you to "feel" something makes the psychological texture more realistic.
The use of second-person ("you") is notable. It’s handled naturally, without gimmickry. If this will continue throughout, it could heighten themes of self-alienation, displacement, and emergent identity—though it will require vigilance not to flatten the emotional stakes into passivity.
The final beat with Dana is excellent: it pivots from anticipation to disappointment in a single breath. It echoes the earlier "unstoppering" moment—another opening, another misfire—and reinforces Zach’s tenuous grasp on control.

FINAL VERDICT:
A strong and promising opening installment.
It balances subtle speculative tension with psychologically attuned realism. The prose is confident. The protagonist is well-voiced and primed for thematic testing. While the external stakes remain low for now, the internal stakes (identity, desire, containment) are already under pressure. If the story continues to raise both kinds of stakes while keeping its finger on the pulse of Zach’s interior dissonance, it will reward the reader with a rich and unsettling experience.
Recommended course: Continue reading.