“Come on, Dipper. Get your head out of the dumps and up some cutie’s butt,” Mabel encouraged. “It always cheers me up.”
Dipper rolled his eyes as he continued cleaning jars of fake exhibits in the Mystery Shack. “Yeah, that works for you, but those girls want nothing to do with me. Hell, most even do reverse cowgirl, so they don’t have to look at me.”
Mabel flinched. “Okay, yeah, but at least you’ve still got those cute asses to play with, right,” she added, trying to lift the mood.
“No touching. That exemption is just for you, and I’m only along for the ride,” Dipper deadpanned, growing grumpier by the minute. “Sure, the sex feels good at the time, but I’d rather masturbate than deal with all that rejection.”
However, before Mabel could retort, Stan entered the room. He was surprisingly spry for his considerable age. The old man wore a fancy black suit, a fez, and an eyepatch when tourists were around. “Look alive, people. I need someone to go hammer out these signs in the spooky part of the woods. Let’s see, here. Eenie, meanie, miney… you,” he finished, pointing at Dipper.
“Woo, spooky woods,” Mabel cheered.
“Ugh, Grunkle Stan, every time I’m out in those woods, I feel like I’m being watched. Like, more so than usual,” Dipper explained while turning his body, so Mabel wasn’t between him and Stan.
“Look, kid. The whole monsters in the forest thing is just local legend drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that,” Stan gruffly explained while gesturing to a tourist having far too much fun with a bobblehead. “So quit being so paranoid,” Stan added as he threw a bundle of signs at the twins.
Later, the twins went out in the woods and began hammering signs to random trees. Well, Dipper hammered. Mabel took off her shooting star sweater and rolled up into a ball to enjoy the warm breeze on her skin while she observed nature. However, before the more upbeat twin could resume their prior discussion, Dipper hammered a tree that sounded metallic. Upon investigating, he found a secret compartment that eventually led to an old journal. There was a six-fingered hand with the number 3 on the cover. Inside was a series of entries about all the strange phenomena observed by the author.
“Whoa, what do you think it means?” Mabel asked.
Dipper’s expression lifted. “I think it means I’m right! Stan said I was just being paranoid, but according to this, Gravity Falls has a secret dark side.”
“Shut. Up!”
“I will not shut up. Don’t you see? This is everything I ever wanted. There’s a conspiracy afoot in this town, a hidden mystery, and I’m gonna solve it!”
Mabel frowned. “Wait, is this just an excuse, so you don’t have to socialize with people?”
“Not… just,” Dipper weakly offered, earning a scowl from his penis sister. “Look, we can do what we always do and take turns. I get a few hours to hunt down all these awesome anomalies, and you can have a few hours with all your whores.”
“They’re not whores,” Mabel countered. “They’re nice ladies who just wanna help.”
“And have sex with a twelve-year-old,” Dipper countered. However, he could tell Mabel wasn’t budging on this. “Okay, fine. We’ll take turns, but only if I get to go first.”
“What? Why?”
As if in answer, Mabel’s phone started beeping. She pulled it from her sweater to reveal a text. “Because the nice girl who asked me out is waiting for us at the Shack.”
“Yeah, sure,” Dipper tiredly allowed. “You’ll just need a few minutes to… wait, asked out?”
“Yup. We’re going on a date,” Mabel bragged.
“A date?” Dipper skeptically questioned. “You mean, like, a date-date, not just a quickie?”
“You got it, bro-bro. She seemed a little awkward at first. Most people are when they first get a load of this.” Still naked, Mabel put her hands on her hips and proudly pushed her chest out. “However, she bravely stuck it out, we got to talking, and I think some real sparks were flying,” she whimsically swooned.
Dipper incredulously blinked. “When did this happen!?”
“When Grunkle Stan told us to put up signs, and you were whining about stuff.”
“What? How? I didn’t see or hear any of that!”
Mabel shook her head. “I keep tellin’ ya, bro. You need glasses, cuz your peripheral vision is—” She gave a thumbs-down and blew a raspberry. “Also, we might wanna consider a hearing aid, but that can wait. Right now, a hot lady wants to take us out on a date!”
Dipper sighed in defeat. “Okay, fine. But just so we’re clear, this is your date. I’m just the legs.”
“Come on, Dipper. Think positive. She said she wanted to go out with both of us.”
“What? Really?” Dipper asked, daring to hope.
“Yup. I told her if she wanted to get with me, we were a package deal.”
“Well, I guess I could give it a try,” Dipper allowed.
Mabel playfully punched his shoulder. “That’s the spirit.” She then put her sweater back on and proclaimed, “Onward, valiant steed. Onward to our hot date!”
And Dipper ran with due haste. However, upon returning to the Shack, his optimism fell. The ‘lady’ was pretty tall, which wasn’t abnormal. Most of Mabel’s partners were older. However, this one wore a black hoodie covered in forest debris that concealed much of her upper body and face. In addition, her voice seemed abnormally deep, and there was something stiff and awkward about the way she walked. Dipper didn’t want to judge, assuming this was some kind of disability, so he decided to follow Mabel’s lead.
“I am Norm…AAaAa!” their date introduced.
“She means Norma,” Mabel clarified. “Isn’t she sweet?” She elbowed Dipper’s side and whispered, “And check out that rack.”
Dipper could have sworn he saw movement under Norma’s hoodie as her breasts seemed to inflate. “Hey, did you see that?”
“See what?” questioned Mabel.
Dipper blinked and rubbed his eyes before taking a closer look at Norma. “Uh, nothing. Maybe I do need glasses.”
So, the date began. Admittedly, Dipper had low expectations. He was used to being the third wheel as Mabel did all the talking. The activities were normal, but Norma always seemed off. For example, when they played Frisbee, the girl made no effort to catch it and immediately fell when the disk hit her head. Other oddities followed. However, as expected, the girl only had eyes for Mabel. So, Dipper decided to read the Journal while the two were distracted. Eventually, he found the section on undead, which had uncomfortably numerous similarities to Norma. Luckily, Dipper wasn’t the only one with terrible peripheral vision, allowing him to record potentially incriminating evidence without notice. The most suspicious thing of all was how the date ended.
“Wait, no sex?” Dipper asked as Norma walked off, leaving the twins back in the Shack.
“Pssh, come on, bro. I’m not a total nymphomaniac. I can go without sex for a little while,” Mabel assured, only for Dipper to scowl in disbelief. Then she caved. “Okay, fine. I was holding back because I wanted to prove that dates can be about more than just me having sex. But then you just checked out, I kept trying, and now it feels like I’m on fire!” Mabel cried in desperation.
Finally noticing the pulsing where his sister’s body met his, Dipper ran up to the attic and helped relieve his sister in the bathroom. “Mabel, it’s not just the sex. It’s Norma. I think she’s not what she seems,” he said as he pulled out the Journal.
Mabel gasped. “Do you think she could be a vampire? Because that’d be so awesome!”
“Guess again, sis.” Dipper flipped to the appropriate page, much to Mabel’s displeasure.
“A zombie? Dipper, this isn’t funny.”
“Think about it, Mabel. It all adds up. She never blinks. Have you noticed that?”
“Maybe she’s blinking when you’re blinking,” Mabel offered, only for her sweetness to sour. “Wait, this is why you weren’t saying anything while we were out. You were reading that dumb book!”
“It’s not dumb. Mabel, she’s gonna eat your brains!” Dipper said while gripping her shoulders in frustration.
Mabel brushed off her brother’s hands. “Dipper, we agreed to take turns and do my thing first. However, you skipped out to do your thing, which means it’s still my turn.”
“What? That’s not—”
“And if you’d been listening, you’d know that Norma and I already agreed to a second date at five,” Mabel chidingly continued. “So, you’ve got three choices. You can stay in here and sulk, take me to my hot date and sulk, or you can finally get out of your big dumb head and enjoy things for a change,” she finished in a softer tone. “Please, just give this a try. If not for me, then for you. I don’t want you to feel like you’re all alone anymore.”
Dipper pursed his lips. He couldn’t stand when Mabel pleaded like that. Worse, he couldn’t refute her reasoning. Past experiences aside, he truly wanted to connect with other people and make friends as easily as Mabel. Granted, a loud voice in his head told him this broad would turn out just like all the rest, but a more persuasive voice urged him to trust his sister. “Fine, I’ll… try to engage.”
1 Norma turns out to be a bunch of gnomes
2 Norma is really a robot
3 Norma is a slime monster
4 Norma is a regular person  indicates the next chapter needs to be written. |
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