Today is hot in my pasture. It is hot because it is summer. If you stand by me, you had better not stand too close.
I am feeling very lost at the moment. I always thought if I do my best I will feel good about things. What if you do your best and it doesn't matter. Well, it matters to me. I guess in any quest or undertaking there are low times. Eight days into the month of June, I'm having a low time.
I get the feeling I was betrayed big time. I do not know the particulars, but I think it happened. I can feel that sort of thing when it happens. I have a sort of sixth sense about it after the fact.
I have to get my car inspected this month. What a ripoff. I don't think those inspections really mean a thing. What a pain in the hindquarters to have to do that and it is not cheap here.
The Game of Thrones on TV was written up in Entertainment Weekly. Yes, I get that magazine. They practically pay me to subscribe to it. It used to have good reviews there by Stephen King in a regular column. He left and it because someone juvenile in tone, but I still like reading the book reviews. Sometimes I find good books in there before they win the Pulitzer Prize. It is how I found The Goldfinch, All the Light We Cannot See, and The Girl on the Train.
Reading has not been as productive for me this year off line. I cannot seem to focus much. I finished The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. I think that had such a profound impact on me that I cannot get past it. I wrote a story based on that (sort of) dealing with Cat dealing with the invasion of Poland. It was called Othello's Adjustment. I worked really hard on the story and I got a terrific review, but a couple of the reviews didn't take what I tried to do in there seriously. I have felt defeated ever since as a writer. It just makes me want to stop and cry.
But I will carry on and do what I committed to do. I do not understand not doing that, except if there is illness that prevents.
When you do your best and it doesn't count, what then? I don't know, quite honestly. You continue to do it.
There are characters in Game of Thrones, like Tyrion for instance, who have undeserved cow pies thrown at them all the time. They can either be proactive or reactive. It is much safer to be reactive. I will try and keep my mouth shut no matter what. In The Good Wife they say things are the Chicago Way. I don't think I would like it in Chicago, but I'm not sure anywhere else is much different. They seem to be more honest about what they are doing.
What about when someone uses what they know about you to further something that is against your interest. It is all in the name of "fun" sometimes, but it still hurts. I see what I see and I know what I know.
The truth is a funny thing because it persists despite cloudy hazes. The truth will inform us and set us free to be ourselves if we listen. It is a hard thing to do, to listen.
I must listen if I am to survive this painful experience.
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