…only for your dumbfounded silence to be used against you. “See? He’s speechless just thinking about my bum! Geez, Anthony, I know you love it but try and keep it together! Hehe, don’t worry, I still love you!”
You looked to Anna, knowing no one would be able to believe something this far gone, only to see her plastering a smile on like you had been earlier… “W-well, I’m no kink-shamer, I’m glad you have someone who’s willing to accept all of you like that! You better keep him, he’s uh… pretty… ‘special’. A-anyway, let me get those drinks started.
As she scurried off, you turned back to Barb to let her have it… only she didn’t give you the chance. “Oh my gosh, Anthony!! I had nooo idea you loved my butt that much! Oof, I am having soooo much dairy in my life from now on, you have NO idea!!! And knowing you’ll always be there with me for the ‘aftermath’ is so reassuring! You’ve made me SO happy today, you’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me! I think… I think I love you—no, I KNOW I do!”
You couldn’t believe this. You had thought the worst that was going to happen was a little laugh after clearing up the misunderstanding of this whole blind date situation… and now you Barb had essentially bought into her own boasting, and fallen in love with you seemingly for real… or at least a version of you that was so obsessed with her and her butt that you want to go on after-dairy binge trips to the bathroom with her. You HAD to clear this up, NOW.
“Listen, Barbie, I—“
“Oh my gosh, you don’t know how much I love hearing you call me that! It makes me feel so adored every time you say it! I don’t mind being even more perfect for you though! I‘ve always gotten pretty down on myself for how I’ve put on weight over the years, but don’t you worry, no more trying to cut down on sweets, or trying work outs for a week, or trying the next fab diet. I’ll get to eat whatever and as much as I want, knowing you’ll love my butt no matter how massive it gets!”
“Barbie, that’s not what I—“
“Oh, and no matter how smelly it is, can’t forget that! You don’t know how relieved I am to know that I don’t have to worry about making sure me and my butt are sparkling clean all the time, it’s especially tough getting back there to clean even a little—“
“I don’t want to make this hard on you, but—“
“Ooo, then I have a great idea, actually! You’re so willing to make me happy, how about I just stop worrying about my big booty altogether? You love it so much you’ll be in heaven back there either way, and if it ever gets too bad you can just help me clean it up a bit! I’ll clean up the rest of me whenever I feel the need, but my booty’s all yours! This is perfect! Thank you for everything today! Oh! Do you think I could stop wasting so much money on toilet paper then too? I could use the money to get more milk and cheese, and oooo, ice cream!”
You were completely defeated. No matter how many times you tried to interject or explain, Barb either spoke right over you or used your words to convince herself even more that you loved everything about her, especially her (soon to be very smelly) butt. You racked your brain for any way to get a word in edgewise, only for Anna to return with your drinks and cut off more conversation as Barb very noisily sipped and slurped at the whipped cream overflowing her nearly tankard size mug of coffee, a more than modest amount dribbling onto her exposed boob flesh, leaving you sip in silence on your cappuccino as Barb started… tearing up?
“This is soooooo good! Thank you soooo much, Anthony! You know I’ve always avoided stuff like this, but having you and knowing you’ll appreciate me no matter the consequences… it’s so liberating. Who would have thought that my best friend’s son would end up being my perfect match… and that he’d think the same about me! Thank you again for today, and… I really, REALLY love you, Anthony!”
Barb practically beamed down at you with her smile, in the happiest state you’d every really witnessed her in (whipped cream dribbled cleavage/cream-mustached lip and all). You realized this silence was your moment to finally explain everything… only to come to a VERY hard realization… Regardless of the fact that they were built on misunderstandings and buying into her own con/self-delusions, Barb’s feelings, even love, for you had apparently become VERY real. And… the only way to get out of this at this point would be to completely and utterly destroy those feelings, and any happiness they were causing. Up until this point in your life, Barb really had been like family to you, and the rest of your family was even more close to her (at least before today). All other ramifications aside, could you really destroy her like that? You wanted nothing to do with her lactose intolerance, or really anything to do with her ass, and the thought of dating someone over double your age gave you pause, but... She wasn’t your ‘type’, but she wasn’t all together unattractive, and her feelings for you were very real… maybe you could figure out a way to enjoy what you could of this relationship, avoid the unpleasant parts to the max extent possible, and eventually if you couldn’t get through to her about the more concerning aspects of your new relationship, let her down gently later. Anything was better than crushing her right here and now (or that’s what you convinced yourself). Before you had time to second guess your reasoning (and realize how insane letting Barb’s delusions continue to grow/solidify even stronger for even a second longer was), you put back on your smile and bolstered your resolve once again. “I umm… I love you too, Barbie. Here’s hoping for a happy relationship.”
Barb nearly dropped her drink, but recovered quickly and somehow seemed to be even happier. “Oh, I KNOW it’s going to be great! And that waitress was right about one thing, I can’t EVER let you go now, you’re just too perfect!”
You tried to fight back the waves of dread that washed over you at this declaration of permanence, with varying degrees of success. ‘Luckily’ you didn’t have to wait long before you were forced to focus on new events.
Choices—
Choice 1: Barb notices you’re done with your cappuccino while she’s only halfway through her drink (and she’s thinking about getting another). When you say you don’t really need another drink, hoping to cut the date short so you can process your new relationship, she cuts you off and instead insists that you fill the time by exploring ‘your favorite’ part of her… even if the coffee and lactose are already starting to churn her stomach. Without any chance of protest, you’re quickly dropped onto the shelf (or into the crack) of her swampy ass as she continues drinking/orders another. (Was thinking any attempts to escape off/out of her butt shelf just are taken as you exploring/enjoying yourself and/or end up making it worse. Like slipping and falling into the crack and she thinks you dove in even knowing how swampy it is, etc.)
Choice 2: Anna comes back to ask if you need anything, and drops something onto the floor. Bending to grab it, she unknowingly fills your vision with her butt as it wiggles precariously in front of/over you before she moves on to help others. You take this as a accidental close call, Barb takes this as her flirting with you, and so she decides to start making a show of flirting with you herself in jealousy. Her efforts are… clumsy at best. (Was thinking anything she tries either ends badly for you or is more gross than the cute she’s thinking it is. Like she tries to ‘accidentally’ rub her boob against you while she reaches for the sugar, but ends up smothering you in her armpit instead [and then thinks you prefer the smelly parts of her like her armpit and butt over her boobs], or she spits some of her drink in your cup so ‘you can try it’ [and after realizing what she did thinks you prefer drinks ‘prepared’ that way].)
Choice 3: Barb decides she can’t wait to let her best friend (your Mom) know how great the blind date went, and brings you to her house to explain how wonderful your new relationship is. Both your Mom and your sisters are obviously confused at first, but your Mom and Sarah are just happy that both of you are (supposedly) a VERY happy/close couple, and Katherine finds it too funny to care/question any inconsistencies (and maybe even eggs on Barb’s misunderstandings/delusions), so they all just congratulate you both, further cementing in Barb’s mind that you all planned this/fully support her being with you… much to your misfortune.
Choice 4: The date continues, but Barb seems to spin almost everything you say into a new thing “you’re into” that she is more than happy to partake in/take advantage of. And eventually the coffee/dairy gets the better of her and she has to go to the bathroom… and of course you’re coming with. (Examples of the first part was thinking things like she wants to have a date every day, and you try to point out traveling all the time to each other might be a hassle to dissuade her… and she takes this as you asking to move in with her. Or she talks about how she’s never able to find all of her socks and underwear for laundry day, and you suggest that she figures out a system for sorting her dirty clothes… and she takes this as you volunteering to search for/sort all of her socks and unmentionables from now on.)
Choice 5: Reader’s Choice
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