Greetings QPdoll

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 23 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
I liked the urgency that started the story off. Samantha seems close to her brother. After the opening of her showing up in the police station, her worry wasn't as high as I would like it to me for your main character. The dialogue needed emotions attached to it, which really brings the reader into her train of thought, how she feels, what she wants and needs. If she's afraid for her brother's life, I want to see that.

What I Liked Best:
The urgency of the story is a great way to draw the reader in. It makes up want to identify with Samantha and follow her on the journey to finding out what happened to her brother. There is a mystery to unravel with Christopher's partner.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
I would've liked to know Samantha's name right off the bat. Though I see where you were going here with the dialogue between her and the desk officer.

Opening Paragraph:
You have gave me a reason to read on, letting me know the story was about someone missing.

Plot:
Samantha is at the police station filing a missing persons report. She hasn't heard from him in three days and she's worried. You were very clear on what your book is about.

Character Development:
Samantha is the main character of your story and is searching for her brother. There are hints that she is worried, but not enough emotions from her to really show that to me as a reader.

Dialog:
I could follow along with the dialogue between the characters easy. The conversations went back and forth, with not a lot of insight into what was happening around them, or what your main character was feeling. You do show me this when she rolls her eyes and is annoyed speaking to the first officer. Once she is with the detective it falls off. This is where you really need to add description so the reader can get into Samantha's head and identify with her.

I've got to get this hair off of my neck.This is inner dialogue. Either use italics, or a tag

"Hey, Murphy. I need to interrupt you for a minute. Come into my office," the chief said.How does she know he's the chief?

Spelling & Punctuation:
This was clean of errors.

Grammar:
I didn't find any grammar issues.

Continuity:
Everything flowed from the beginning to the end of the chapter. Nothing was out of order as we followed Samantha through the story.

Form:
Think about adding more information about the conversation she overheard between Christopher and Warren Mitchell. You touched upon her brother looking scared. Think about mentioning his demeanor, the way his voice was hushed or harsh. Did he shout?

Clarity:
I wondered who she called at the end of the chapter. Was it her husband? One of her children?

Hook:
The mystery of her missing brother is your hook. You added to it by mentioning a conversation Samantha overheard, but Christopher brushed off. The mention of her boss being so understanding had me wondering what their relationship may be. Is it platonic? Is that a hint to keep that question in mind to make me read on? That did pique my curiosity.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
Work on incorporating emotions and description as the conversations progresses. Reading a lot of dialogue with nothing else going on makes hard to like your characters and root for them. I want to root for Samantha, identify with her, follow her journey to hopefully saving her brother.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:


Rhythm & Meter:
The pace was fast with the dialogue filling most of the first chapter.

CLOSING STATEMENT
Remember for every action there's a reaction. Show your characters reacting to their circumstances. You have the story down, the mystery at the forefront to unravel. Get descriptive and you'll have a really solid opening chapter that has your reader ready to turn the pages.
Purple Catching Up