Greetings {huser:~QPdoll~}

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !
Title and Author:

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

Plot::
Samantha Reynolds is visiting the police station to report her brother is missing. She talks with an officer, who takes information and then tells her he will let her know if there is any news.

Hook:
"She trudged into the police department and quietly spoke to the police officer at the window. “I'd like to file a missing person's report, please.” Excellent job putting the hook in the first sentence. You have answered a multitude of questions the reader might have with a few words. You have also pinpointed the mystery.)

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Again your opening sentence is fantastic. You have introduced the main character, and told us this is going to be a mystery.

Characters Development:
Samantha Reynolds - Protagonist; reporting her brother missing.
Officer Murphy - Possible protagonist; took Samantha's missing report details at the police station.
Officer at front desk
Christopher Reynolds - mentioned as missing person
Warren Mitchell - mentioned; possible antagonist
Christopher's assistant - possible antagonist; mentioned but not named

Dialogue:
The dialogue is very believable. I enjoyed the fact you added a bit of humor into what is going to be a life and death mystery.

Punctuation and Structure:
It was very clinical—like with tile floors, plain light gray walls, and no pictures

She was angry and it was very hot in the waiting area. I've got to get this hair off of my neck. (Inner thought should be italicized)

... and clipped it at the nape. (since you are saying she wants to get it off her neck, I would have her clip it a little higher on her head, "nap" is still considered part of the neck.)

Well, there's no one else out here, (Inner thought should be italicized) she thought. (when you italize words you do not need to say "she thought", it is understood.

"So, Ms. Reynolds,” he began. (comma not period)“Why (lower case on "why") do you think your brother is missing?”

He's a partner at Mitchell/Reynolds (if this is two different people you would want to say "Mitchell & Reynolds") Architectural Firm.

He denies that(It is not absolutely necessary but you want to remove the word "that" if you can, the sentence reads smoother.) there was anything wrong.

Come into my office," the chief (cap) said.
... stepped into the chief (cap) office.

... and get back with her as soon as they could.” (remove quote marks)

Closing Statement
I very much enjoyed reading this chapter. I would suggest you pinpoint the city or town the police station is in such as: "She trudged into the Clearwater Police Department....". This tends to draw the reader into the characters world.

Starling

STATIC

Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E) Looking for solid NOVEL feedback from other novelists? The NW is BACK & better than ever! #2088228 by Carol St.Ann 👓