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 Review #4542342 |
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| (4.0)| Introduction~  Hello Cadie here reviewing this piece for Building Emotion and Sensuality Lesson 1 NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.Personal Impressions~ I enjoyed your story. Your characters were easy going in the scene.Tone, Mood, Point of view~ The tone of the story was bright and upbeat. There was not a lot of expression of feelings in this piece. The story held more conversation than emotion. I couldn't see what the scene looked like around them. You mention that Sarah went home to change after picking up her pizza. What does her place look like? What does Luke's place look like? How does Sarah feel going to his house for a date? Most of the time, when a couple gets together at one person's home, there's sex somewhat expected. I like that Luke was a gentleman and let her help with the finishing touches of their dinner. The point of view of the assignment was to switch from one character to another. While it seems you did that, I wish you'd have separated the switch with an asterisk *** or tilde ~~~. I think towards the very end you went into third person or tried to switch back to Luke's, not sure.Characterization and Dialogue~ Your characters were believable. I liked that Luke was a gentleman and friendly. These two seemed like friends more than lovers. Yes, they were getting to know each other but I did not read a lot that would make me think they were more than friends. Luke is thoughtful and remembers that she doesn't like wine. Then he's set up a beach scene in his back yard because Sarah hasn't been to the beach in a long time. What's the significance of the beach? In order to bring these two closer, he could have leaned toward her and try to point out the dippers, then turns his head as she does the same and they kiss.Showing vs. Telling~ Most of the story was written to show me the characters were getting to know each other. Although, there are times when I think there could have been a little bit more description showing how the characters were feeling.She was tired Why was she tired? If she was tired what made her not so tired going to Luke's? She wasn't in the mood to have the window down blowing her hair around. What color was her hair? Hey, thanks for calling. I am available for dinner. What time should I be ready?" "How does six work for you?" "Perfect. I'll be ready. See you then." They'd been dating for a couple of weeks now and you'd think she'd be over all the giddiness, but no. When was it decided that he would come and get her from her house? She was ready and waiting in a nice pair of jeans and a regular gray t-shirt with gray tennis shoes. Suddenly, the doorbell rang and she jumped. She expected a phone call or a text to let her know he was there. She picked up her purse and walked to the front door and opened it. Her heart skipped a beat. He also wore a nice pair of blue jeans but he had on a black t-shirt and work a pair of black cowboy boots. The only thing he lacked was a cowboy hat. But that's okay. The boots were sexy enough. What are the characters feeling when they see the other? Do the boots match Luke's brown eyes? What did he think of her jeans and shirt with tennis shoes? Conclusions~ You got the beginnings of a great relationship between these characters. Thank you for sharing with me what you've written. I can't wait to see what else you come up with.  Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/07/2020 @ 8:11pm EDT