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 Review #4549410 |
| (4.5)| Dear willow  ,This was very lovely to read. This piece is so relatable with images of being in this scene that I can imagine. Some of the words and expressions used punctuate moments throughout the poem that connect senses with scene. If I could run through the poem briefly: They wave and they dance on a gentle breeze. This was a nice open. This use of movement already going off title and description line prepares me for what is a poetic moment in nature and waiting to full focus on what is about to be described, so I may use my own eyes to see. Delightful and bright so eager to please. The sight, the scent, my eyes, my nose, the touch of soft yellow against my clothes. There's a lyrical quality here being added with words like 'bright' and 'soft yellow' as imagery and sensory type descriptions. If I could suggest anything to improve this experience is try not to explain so much, do this interpretive dance more by what you feel and we'll pick up on the imagery through those word choices. For instance, 'the sight, the scent' is a little too on the nose. It's alliteration and sing-songy feel are important...but, you could leave this out entirely, as 'my eyes, my nose' says the same thing, leaving you room to explore more and add more from this harmonious scene. I waltz very slowly absorbing the sun, Maybe, 'very slowly' doesn't match the intensity and feel of everything else. I imagine the waltz is inspired by a feeling, obviously it can be assumed a spring day is the inspiration amid flowers and a warm sun. Describe the waltz in relation to how you commune and respond to nature...like how some deft dancers are described...I'm coming up short here, but floating, nimble or twirling, spinning, or with gaiety. Sorry, just trying to suggest something stronger. Maybe, something that matches the two lines below: my barefoot and coolness of meadow grass are one. And, now I'm getting something akin to Julie Andrews about to sing 'the hills are alive...' I bend with the wind slide down the green stem plucking the prized flower and smiling within. This in itself is the interpretive dance, and what you are building to. Such a great visual right down to smoothly picking that bloom. I can feel in my mind my own hand as a child sliding down the hollow stem of a dandelion or stiff stem of a daisy. A handful of sunshine buds blossoming still Opening my heart with your sweet spirit fill. Two thoughts. First, what a great go to: 'handful of sunshine' but soon to become cliché. You could stretch for a greater expression, if you desire. It works perfectly, though. Second, is that last line. I like it. I would like it more if you put more emphasis on 'fill'. If you broke off that line and put that last word at the bottom, I see that working. If just a comma, or some other space maker, it would do. That's kind of like your ending note. I think you want to hold it after pulling off this symphony. Pleasure to read, consume and comment. Thank you for sharing, Brian Circumpolar Reviewer  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 05/16/2020 @ 8:43am EDT