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 Review #4618903 |
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| (4.0)| A  ReviewMy reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. First Impression Great hook at the end, Elizabeth! Makes me want to read more and learn who's behind that door! You followed the rules to a T. Good job! Thoughts/Suggestions/Comments I found just a few technicalities that are easy fixer-uppers, along with some things to consider: He raised his dizzy head and slowly picked himself up to his knees and attempted to wipe off dirt and grass.  Fighting dizziness, he slowly raised himself up to his knees and attempted to wipe off dirt and grass. This suggestion isn't a correction, but an option to consider. Try not to be too wordy in your descriptions.  The sky that was so bright just a while ago turned as gray as he felt. The bright sky faded to gray, matching his mood. Again, only a suggestion. Omitting unnecessary words tighten up wordy descriptions. Also, notice the get/gots in this: It got darker by the minute. He decided he should get home as quickly as possible before it got too dark. You might consider tightening this up a bit. One example: He decided he'd better hurry back home before it got too dark. It's not that your descriptions are bad, they're just a bit wordy so you might want to go through your chapter and revise some of your descriptions by tightening them up.  Just a thought...Mom and dad Mom and Dad You could see for miles. Well, on a good day you could see for miles. He could see for miles. Well, on a good day he'd be able see for miles. He looked around to see where he was. The problem is that all he saw was the forest. He surveyed the landscape but all he saw was the forest. Just another option to consider. I think you have a great storyline going on here and it sounds like it's just about to get really interesting! I hope you are inspired to continue on with it. You've definitely got me curious! With a bit of nip-and-tucking here and there, you'll have yourself a fantastic first chapter that will tease any reader to read on!Favorites  The earthiness of wet dirt and grass that plastered his body permeated his nostrils. Good use of senses. Taking in the surroundings, he saw a calendar on the wall with days marked off. The page was from last month. I like this because it gives the reader a sense that whoever had been there previously, hadn't been there in a while, without the writer actually telling the reader this. Again, you've created a compelling storyline. With some polishing, you'll be good to go! Best of luck in the contest! Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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