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Printed from https://web1.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4738169
Review #4738169
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by A Guest Visitor
         Review for entry/chapter: "Invalid Entry" Open in new Window.
Review by Choco's Fee... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi H❀pe Author IconMail Icon,

I am reviewing your short story, "Invalid Entry" Open in new Window., as week 12 of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window.. My review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

Please remember, these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

Firstly, I love your choice of Sunrise and Sunset in this conversation between two opposites. In addition, I really like the visuals. Your orange writing for the light of Sunrise and black writing for Sunset is inspired. You clearly thought this out thoroughly, and the result is really great.

You have done a great job with personifying these two characters. I absolutely believed they were real. Reading about their feud at the beginning was a nice piece of background information. I know you say they couldn't remember what had caused the spat, but I would love to know. I mean, what could possibly make Sunrise and Sunset fall out? They obviously still have affection for each other. I love how the two have come back together during an eclipse. That's pure genius.

There was a typo: "An apology was due. for something or rather." - Firstly, you've put a period after "due" and also you have the word "rather" when it should be "other." I'm guessing this was a case of your fingers flying over the keyboard and hitting a wrong key. I have that happen quite a lot. Also, I would move this sentence down a paragraph: "The earth was alight fully now ..." This is the narrator speaking, as you show us with the different colour writing, but it needs to be a separate paragraph to Sunset's speech. One other point: "Sunrise relaxed to say." You don't need the word "relaxed." It doesn't really make sense.

One final thing I want to tell you I love is this: "There was a quiet hiss as a tear instantly turned into vapour." This is perfection.

Thanks for sharing your work with us here. I'm glad I got to read it.

Choconut

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