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 Review #4771599 |
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| (3.5)| Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for
 My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines. INSPIRATIONThis story was inspired by the prompt, "Fast Car" performed by Tracey Chapman and Luke Combs. To judge the contest, I watched the video prompt and took away the following: The performance was soulful, moody, honest, and raw. The song itself spoke of wanting more for one's life, looking for that break, and finding peace. I'm looking for similar qualities and emotions.  THE STORYDeb makes a big decision in her life, but life has a way of throwing her a curve.  WHAT I LIKEDI thought the story was a nice creative take given the inspiration of the song.  POV NARRATION/TENSEThis is told in the first person by Deb. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately. DIALOGUEDialogue drives the story. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue. FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Sorry we didn't have time to talk," I said, as I stood up and returned to class. MY SUGGESTION: "Sorry we didn't have time to talk." I stood up and walked off toward my class. DESCRIPTIONSThere's enough to set the scenes. SETTINGTIME: modern day PLACE: urban setting This is something that is clarified for the reader. CHARACTERSDeb & Michael There's enough here to understand Deb's motivations. She doesn't have a good home life and wants to make something for herself. Michael is in love with her and is willing to go with her. MECHANICSI did not spot any punctuation mistakes. "drug" should be "dragged." I don't know why, but that really stood out to me. DID I SEE THE INSPIRATION?  PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONSThe opening intrigues the reader. Why does Deb want to leave? I thought the story was painful and raw, similar elements I took away from Chapman's and Comb's performance of "Fast Car." The title is reflective of the inspiration found in the song used for the contest. Some things I would have liked to have seen fleshed out a bit better: I got the impression Deb was a young adult in college, and yet as I read the story, college wasn't mentioned, just "school" so I wondered if she was in high school or college? Deb telling Michael like she did seemed so abrupt, especially if they were a dating couple and his decision to leave his family, while understandable, didn't seem as fleshed out as it could have been. Perhaps these these emotional elements could have been fleshed out a tad more with the remaining word count. The story has a lot of inspirational elements from the song, but lacks a more robust emotional connection. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest. An Angel Army Review
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You responded to this review 08/27/2024 @ 5:50am EDT