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 Review #4813917 |
 | DOTD Chapters 4-5  [13+] preparations for the ball. Rune appears with news from his father.  |
| Hi Aubreywrites Here is my review on  "DOTD Chapters 4-5 " . Usual disclaimer – these are only my thoughts; accept what you find useful and ignore the rest. If you have any questions about anything below just reach out. Also, I’ve ignored the American/British lingo differences.       Overall: You are still in the early chapters, so setting the scenes, setting up themes and subplots etc and character development is important and needed. But I think it’s the right level of plot and character/scene setting. It’s moving at a good pace – I don’t feel like anything is dragging out. It feels believable timewise and I don’t think the reader is wrangling with too many subplots etc.. Story Development: I think the plot has moved along nicely. The extra narrative around the circus made that whole scene stand on its own more. And the addition of the mysterious crest keeps the stranger in the reader's mind. It also kept me guessing what he is!! This is great because you want to give hints, so things don’t come completely out the blue, but you don’t want to give the whole game away. The plot feels like it's developing are a realistic pace. If you want to “jump” forward to an event to cut out stuff you can still do that, but the timeline itself feels right. I think the pacing is good. I wouldn’t slow it down any further. Characters Development: By chapter five, it’s good to have the major characters introduced and to have started to flesh them out, which I think you have.  The additional interaction between Eowyn and Fluer is lovely. It really contrasts with Fluer relationship with her family and gives her more layers. It’s clearly the only family bond Fluer has with anyone, so it's nice to see more of it. Giving Aurelia a bit of vulnerability with her paranoia over James gives her more dimension also. I’m still team Rune – which is REALLY unusual for me as I am usually Team Morally Grey. I may be more Team Rune than Team Fluer to be honest. However, again I liked seeing a bit more of his vulnerability and jealousy. It was also nice to see more of Fluer’s vulnerability too.Everyone was vulnerable the chapter! While I don’t mind it – maybe limit it so its not everyone at once. Stylistic:  Reference to food – buttery, honey, honeyed. I’m not sure if its intentional or not but I have noticed food/cooking reference a few times throughout the chapters so far. I love the idea of Fluer doing this around Eowyn, or because of Eowyn influence – it would make sense if Fluer had developed a love of cooking also maybe.But on the buttery, honeyed items…. Don’t use it too much as it will trip the reader. As soon as you mentioned buttery velvet, I was recalling the last time you called something buttery – pages I think, and the same with the honey and honeyed rolls. Use the description, but make sure it's sparingly and that you are aware you are re-using the same/similar descriptive words. Make use some more cookery-esk references. Because you are writing it from Fluer perspective, be careful when you are inferring the other characters feelings/intentions. You can absolutely do this with Fluer because we are in her head (so to speak), but with the others it has to be based on her interpretation or solely on their actions and I think you merged it a little with Rune towards the end. Fluer thinks he doesn’t care about her – but suddenly towards the end she is interpreting “things he longed to share but somehow couldn’t bring himself to say.” If she has made that switch in her head great. But, be careful not to ping pong back and forth. Also, you don’t need to tell the reader everything, let us read between the lines of how Rune feels with his action. Him asking questions, his tone, or making a face indicates that he’s jealous with you telling us that he is. Grammar/Punctuation etc..:  There are a few things, mostly typos. Just do a good scrub!Final thoughts: Depending on how many chapters you are intending the spread the book over, you are coming to the end of the beginning – so make sure you have all the bases/foundations covered. Maybe ask yourself: Have all the major characters been introduced/mentioned? – you mentioned an Aunt in an email – does she need a mention somewhere. Is the antagonist clear enough? Is it Father, Aurelia, or mystery man? have you laid the magical groundwork enough? We have blue blood that opens locks and that witches want to drink, strange things happening with doors, and mystery man who needs gloves and has a moon crest. Is there any other set up needed?Overall I like how its developing/going. I’m looking forward to it getting into the meatier story in the next few (4/5) chapters. Happy writing  ,Stevie  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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