First Impressions - The Good (and it's VERY good):

Victor: Dude, you nailed him. Instantly powerful, instantly scary. That disgust he has? It feels real, not just some act. The way he handles Anthony – threatening violence one second, then that shockingly soft "Shhh... you're not going back" moment? Chills. That contrast is gold. You feel he's ruthless, practical, but maybe... just maybe... there's a sliver of something else under there. His voice is crystal clear – all command and cold efficiency. Loved the newspaper clipping detail too, very sharp.

Anthony: Oh man. My heart ached for him. That whiplash between the sultry "performance" act he puts on for Victor and the raw, terrified pleading underneath? Perfectly done. You feel how broken he is. How every move is calculated survival, even the flirting. That desperate need to be "useful," the way he expects violence for the tiniest mistake ("eyes darting" after calling him "sir") – it's heartbreaking and horrifyingly believable. You show his messed-up mindset ("she's a good woman," feeling pride at her attention) without ever making it seem like you think it's okay. Victor calling that out later is spot-on.

Helen Blythe: Shudders. She is TERRIFYING. Seriously, well done. That sweet-poison voice? The casual, almost bored cruelty? The way she twists "good boy" into something vile? And that cigarette scene... Jesus. It's hard to read, but it needs to be. It shows exactly why Anthony is so desperate. You feel her absolute control, her sadism. The pastel dress/fur coat against what she does? Perfect contrast. Pure evil, wrapped in silk.

The Power & Tension: That first meeting between Victor and Anthony? Electric. Every move Anthony makes feels dangerous. Him sitting on the desk, unbuttoning, grabbing the tie – you're waiting for Victor to snap. And Victor's reactions? Perfectly measured threat. You feel Anthony is in danger from Victor even as he begs Victor to save him from Helen. That dynamic is fascinating.

The Cigarette Scene: Like I said, brutal. But necessary. The details – the smell, the heat, the crumbling ash, the tears mixing with the burn – make it visceral. It doesn't feel like shock value; it feels like the inevitable, horrific result of Helen's game. It shows the absolute depths of Anthony's degradation and why escape is life-or-death.

Stuff to Maybe Chew On (Just Thoughts!):

Victor's "Why?": Okay, so he hates the sex trade. Like, really hates it. For a crime boss, that's interesting! Is it just disgust? Or something deeper? Maybe a flicker of why he feels that way would add another layer. Is it about control (he wants loyalty, not rented bodies)? Something from his past? Just a personal line he won't cross? Doesn't need a big speech, just a hint in his thoughts when he's looking at Anthony. Also, why does he decide to help? Pure pragmatism (using Anthony against Henry)? A tiny, unexpected flicker of seeing the broken thing Anthony is? Or just removing an annoyance efficiently? Knowing his internal calculus there would make that shift even more powerful.

Rachel: She feels a tad underused. She's "lovely, slightly dense," but what's her reaction to Anthony? Pity? Professional detachment? Subtle fear of Victor? Maybe her brief interaction could tell us a tiny bit more about the world or Victor through her eyes. Does she look at Anthony with sympathy Victor misses? Or just see another problem?

Anthony's Headspace (Ch2): You show his messed-up thinking brilliantly through his actions and fleeting pride. But maybe, just for a second, when he thinks "she's a good woman" or feels that twisted pride, let us hear the lie he tells himself in his own head. Like, "See? She cares. She fixes my makeup. She wouldn't hurt me if I didn't deserve it." Just a quick internal whisper to really hammer home how deep the brainwashing goes.

The Other Guy in Helen's Room: His presence is great for showing her cruelty and Anthony's warped jealousy. But his reaction during the cigarette scene? Him looking away is good, but maybe amplify it just a hair. Does he flinch? Look sick? Does his breath catch? Does he meet Anthony's eye for a split second with shared horror before looking down? A tiny detail makes the room feel even more claustrophobic.

The Chapter Flip: The jump from Victor leaving Anthony ("Stay here") to suddenly Anthony at the vanity in the past felt a tiny bit abrupt. Maybe end Ch1 with Victor leaving and a quick line about Anthony sitting rigidly, terrified but obeying, then start Ch2 with the vanity. Or have a clear marker (like *** ) before the flashback starts? Just a smoother handoff.

Overall?

Dude. This is strong. Seriously. It's dark as hell, but it earns it. The characters are vivid and messed up in compelling ways. The tension is thick enough to cut. You handle the abuse and trauma with clear intent – showing the horror and the twisted coping mechanisms, not glorifying it. Victor calling out Anthony's messed-up thinking is crucial, and you do it.

The tone? Spot on for gritty, dark mafia/crime. It's uncomfortable, it's visceral, it's meant to be. The cigarette scene is graphic, but it needs to be to show Helen's absolute evil and Anthony's utter powerlessness. It serves the story.

For a "test draft"? It's incredibly promising. The core – Victor, Anthony, Helen, their dynamic – is rock solid and gripping. Polish the little transitions, maybe sprinkle in a tiny bit more of Victor's why and Anthony's internal lie, and this will be absolutely fire. Just... maybe write it with the lights on, yeah? Takes a long sip of coffee. Seriously, well done. It sticks with you.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .