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Review #4826532
Viewing a review of:
 Right Up Until He Couldn't. Open in new Window. [E]
Tasked to write a story under 200 words that conveys emotion without naming it.
by SM Yeardley Author Icon
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#4826532
Review by Lornda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, SM Yeardley Author Icon.

A review from a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. member!


*Vignette6* Welcome again to Writing.Com! I promised you at the "Reviewing Advice ForumOpen in new Window. that I would drop by to read your work. I'm glad I had the opportunity to visit you because I enjoyed reading your story. *Stary*

*Vignette6* You've done an excellent job on writing a story under 200 words, and there's no doubt I could feel the love Daisy had for her father. The first paragraph does well in hooking in the reader by introducing us to the main character and setting the scene. The details of the wooden box were described perfectly to give a good visual and then, she has a beautiful memory of when she was a child about her father. Nicely done!

*Vignette6* I always like to offer some feedback, so I have a couple of suggestions for your consideration. Just remember, it's your story, so any edits are totally up to you. *Smile*

For me, I thought the first three paragraphs were written smooth and flowed along nicely, but I think the last two could be tightened up a tad. Because it's a full story in 200 words, every word counts. You do have a few words remaining of the word count limit, so maybe expand a little more on the wording of 'felt safe'. I think there's stronger words to show the emotion of that feeling. By tweaking it, it would deepen the emotion she felt even more.

The repeating of the word 'that' can slow the reading down. Most times if you read it out loud and remove the word, it reads smoother. *Wink*

*Vignette6* Overall, a nice story to read! My favorite part was the description of the dust in paragraph two. What a great way to describe it. I thought you did a wonderful job with keeping this under 200 words to tell an emotional story and have a strong character at the same time. Way to go. Enjoy the site, and keep up the great work!

Happy writing *Pencil*

Lornda


Summer Beach Raid


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/24/2025 @ 8:26am EDT
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