So this review is me looking at this story as an editor as if you submitted it to me for publication. I know you probably aren’t that interested, but a new Christian-themed short story anthology imprint has opened, and you could well have some success. No guarantees (of course), but this story was well done.
         It does come across a little flat; I think we need more of Chuck’s personality throughout. Otherwise, here’s my thoughts:

Chuck woke from a sound sleep and for once, he felt no pain. This was a pleasant way to wake,semi-colon works better he had forgotten how good it could feel to wake same word (or derivatives) used three times close; I’d find a synonym for this one this way. Walking around the house, he saw no sign of his wife, semi-colon works better then he remembered that she had an appointment in the morning and was comforted with that small fact.
         After fixing his favorite coffee, he went outside to sit on his porch. He loved sitting on the porch swing and watch the day unfold in front of him. He had retired three short months ago after a lifetime of working the same boring job. I’d add a little more about the day here; paint a word picture around him His coffee was almost gone when he saw his friend Dennis walking down the street.
         Chuck spoke loud enough, making sure Dennis could hear him. “Morning comma here Dennis, how’s things with you?”
         “Ahhh, Chuck! Good to see you comma here man! Things are well here, semi-colon works better how ‘bout you?”
         “I can’t complain, and if I did….”
         Dennis finished the sentence with him, almost in unison.comma here “No one would listen.”
         “Hey, I was heading to town to visit ‘The Lift’. Why don’t you join me?”
         “The Lift? Where’s it at and what is it?” at the start of this I’d add a little about him trying to recall information
         Dennis scratched his bald head as he answered. comma here “It’s right in the middle of towncomma here o”on” the corner of Broadway and Main. It’s relatively new, only a couple of years old. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it. It’s been all over the news lately comma here m’friend.”
         “We don’t watch much of the news now, semi-colon works better I get a bit agitated at all the bad things happening in the world. Marie is worse than me about that.”
         “Well, it’s an interesting piece of work. C’mon, you obviously need to get out.”
         Chuck thought for a moment before replying. comma here “Sit here a moment and relax while I get presentable and leave a note for Marie.”
         Chuck went inside while Dennis relaxed already used relax; I’d find a synonym. It wasn’t long before Chuck returned. “Let’s take my car, full stop works better I need to fill it up.”
         “Sure, let’s get to it!”
         Dennis acted as a GPS for Chuck to get them to ‘The Lift’. When they arrived, Chuck was surprised at the numerous parking spaces available. But seeing it for the first time amazed him this is tell; show his amazement. “I thought you said this was relatively new?” Chuck asked.
         “It is!”
         “Then why does it look so old and rundown?”
         “That’s intentional comma here Buddydoes not need a capital; it’s not a nickname or a given name, completely intentional.”
         “Why would they want it to look old and rundown?”
         “Y’know, I’m not sure. I haven’t asked. Let’s go inside. I’ll show you around the place.” Good – don’t give an explanation
         “Alright, but why do you need to show me around?”
         “Well, my first time here, I got lost to be honest. I figured you might also. I’ll tell you, it was a trifle scary being in this place and not know where to go.”
         “How did you finally learn your way around then?”
         “A stranger, a kind lady took me under her wing and showed me the place. I figured I could do the same for you.”
Chuck accepts this so readily. Surely there would be some confusion, even if he doesn’t voice it? It will help the character of Chuck, our PoV character, to come out
         Walking around the place, Chuck thought it was a museum at first and said so. “No, it’s not a museum, though parts do look like one. There’s a gift shop here, an area to sit and relax, a bowling alley, a library with almost any book you want, even a playground for the children! Not to mention the food! You want something, anything, you can get it here.”
         At first Chuck was tense and ”but” works better than “and” couldn’t place a finger on why he felt so out of sorts. When he looked at Dennis though, he saw that he was relaxed and enjoying the moment. “How is it that you are so relaxed? I mean I feel tense for some odd reason.” repeating relaxed and tense; this isn’t necessary, so one of each should be removed, or the first place they come up, show these things and not tell us
         “You forget, I’ve been here several times, and I know my way around.” This reassurance allowed Chuck to slowly relax and enjoy himself. again, the same word. But would he relax that quickly? Really?
         After about an hour of exploring the area and grabbing a small bite to eat, Dennis said, “How about we go up to the next floor? That one is even more interesting that this one!”
         Chuck shrugged his shoulders and said, “As you wish. I’m just enjoying myself now.”
         “Let’s head over here, full stop works better the lift never stops, even at night.”
         “Lift? Oh, you mean Elevator.”
         “Elevator. Lift. Call it what you will, it’s this way.” nice
         The two men entered the lift with several other people and the lift slowly ascended. As they left the lift, Chuck remarked, “Hey, I didn’t see any buttons to press to get to this floor.”
         “I know, that’s one of the odd things about this place. I did ask that question though. Apparently, someone in an office monitors each lift and will send it to the floor to take you up when the time comes.”
         “That sounds like a building I was in on a business trip. The elevator had no controls, the woman who greeted you would push the buttons for the floor you needed. The screen would light up with the elevator number, and she would tell you which elevator was for you. I found it pretty strange at first and ended up asking how the whole thing worked.” good, using a real life situation to relate to
         “That sounds like a Bank Building in Fort Lauderdale!”
         “You’ve been there?”
         “No, a friend of a friend was telling us about it.”
         “How many floors are in this building? It didn’t look like it had that many.”
         “Looks can be deceiving my friend. We haven’t even begun to explore the vast wilderness of this place.”
         Just then Chuck saw a face he never expected to see again. He didn’t mean to, but he gasped and found he was calling a name he never expected to say again this is better show. “Jeff! Jeff Simon, is that really you?”
         “Well hey comma here Chuck, nice to see you again!”
         Chuck wasn’t sure what to say next. Jeff saw the look of confusion on Chuck’s face and said, “It’s alright comma here Chuck. I know what you’re thinking, it’s alright. Can we meet up later? I have some things that can’t wait. I have to get them done now.”
         “Err, well, sure comma here Jeff. We have a lot of catching up to do.”
         As Jeff walked away, Dennis turned to Chuck and said, “How do you know him?”
         “I’m sorry, I should have introduced you. Jeff and I were shipmates on my first Submarine. He was one of the first crew members I met and was the first one to become my friend. He showed me around a lot. The last time I saw him, he was leaving the boat, transferring to the USS Ohio Pre-Comm unit.”
         “Wow, that’s awesome. No wonder you were so excited to see him. I bet you don’t meet that many Submariners.”
         “Yeah, we’re a small group. But excited? No, surprised is more like it. I had heard that he died while on vacation with his wife.”
         “Wow, that’s really odd. I’ve no idea how you managed to see him. This sentence does not fit Let’s get going though, there’s a lot more to see.”
         “Dennis? I’m afraid I’m a bit tired. How ‘bout we call it a day, take the lift down and get out of here.”
         “Chuck, there’s much more to show you and tell you. Sit down for a moment, we can talk easier.”
         “Show me? Dennis, I’ve seen so much already, I’ll see the rest later.”
         “Chuck, please sit.” Seeing a nearby bench, the two of them sat down and relaxed. lots of “relax”! But in this case, I don’t think Chuck would be relaxed; he’d be curious, concerned, something like that
         “Chuck, here’s the thing. You said ‘take this should be: …said, ‘Take… the lift down’. The problem is that the lift only goes up. There is no way you can go down.”
         “What do you mean, it only goes up? Everything that goes up will eventually come down!”
         “Not in this building. It goes up, that’s the only direction it goes. Now comma here Chuck, I said there’s so much to show you and tell you still. I wasn’t lying when I said that.”
         “I’m confused. How can it only go up, but not down?”
         “Let me explain comma here please. I always have trouble explaining to a newbie what’s going on. We entered the building on what’s known as the third floor. We couldn’t go down as I said. Besides, you don’t want to go down to the first floor.”
         “Wait. How in the Hell am I a newbie here? I’m 70 normally numbers like this are written as words years old comma here for crying out loud.”
         “Shhhhh, don’t say that word out loud. It’s a word we don’t use here. I call it ‘The Unspeakable Word'.”
         “Which word?”
         “One of the words you just said. It’s an old cuss word.”
         “You mean Hell?”
This is only considered a cuss word in the USA. Nowhere else looks at it that way.
         “Yes, please stop saying that word!”
         “Why?”
         “It’s where The Damned Go.”
         “The Damned?”
         “Yes, they go to the first floor.”
         “Then what’s on the second floor?”
         “That’s where ‘those who wait’ go.”
         “Wait? What are they waiting for?”
         “The powers that be in this case, I’d capitalise to Powers That Be need to determine if they will go up, or down.”
         “You mean like Purgatory?”
         “That’s what people of the Catholic faith might call it. It has many names depending on your faith. Names like Araf, Gehenna, The Abyss The Abyss is not a purgatory, but the Hell below Hell, Perdition, and many more. I know I said that you can’t take the Lift down, but the second floor has a special lift. It will go up or down, depending on the decision.”
         “Wait a minute here. Wait just a damned minute! This sounds like Heaven and He”… Chuck caught himself before he said The Unspeakable Word.
         “Yes Chuck, this is what you might call Heaven.”
         Chuck shook his head, not wanting to accept what Dennis was saying. Tears rolled down his cheeks add more physiological effects as the realization of his circumstances sank in. “So I’m dead? Is that what you’re saying, I’m dead?”
         “We all are. Think about it. The Dennis you knew has been here for two or three years of Earth time now. Your friend Jeff has been here a while now too.” How could Chuck not have known Dennis died?
         Hearing this from his friend caused Chuck to lose it. His body shuddered, tears streamed down his face and he lost all bodily control this is better. “I know how you feel comma here Chuck. I was the same way when I was told by my Guide.”
         “Your guide? What’s a Guide?”
         “Your Guide is the one who greets you after you pass. Like I did this morning when we met. Here I’d add this: …met.” Dennis grinned broadly and a feeling of calm washed over Chuck at that expression. “Welcome… Welcome to heaven.”

So, a good work at a psychopomp story. I’ve actually had one of these published, so I know how hard it is to get them working. I think this could sell. Good luck going forward.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .