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Review #4829074
Viewing a review of:
 Offstage Open in new Window. [E]
Reality of those who call themselves leaders.
by Sophie Author Icon
Review of Offstage  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi from a random read and review:

OK, very first impression is that this short piece rather resembles a wall of text - which very well may be down to WritingML if, for example, you've uploaded a document. At least it's an easy, if tedious, fix to edit in the spaces between paragraphs, after dialogue, etc.

Overall Impression

Your story is an engaging and relatable political / social commentary, contrasting a leader’s lofty rhetoric about cleanliness and morality with his own hypocrisy.

It’s a strong moral allegory, with a sharp ending. The image of the leader throwing litter out the car window after a speech about cleanliness is both ironic and damning.

The gap between words and actions of those in power, fictional or real, should be universally relatable.

The sceptical, innocent youth grounds the scene well - providing a counterpoint to the political/religious speech of the leader, and the fervour of the crowd.

That said, there's the odd place with an issue with spelling, grammar or missing word(s):

e.g. "But is it not HE who promised to build a girls' high school in this area during the previous election campaign? And he did not even fulfill (fulfil) that promise," said a young boy rolling his eyes. (*spelling may be US vs British English)

Pacing could be improved, it slows down somewhat in the middle - although this may, in part, be due to the formatting.

You could try trimming some of the repetitive reminders that he is “an asset to the nation”, for example...

And/or, simplify some lines: “There was truth indeed. But he also knew that great people use truth as their slave to enslave others.” -->
“There was truth, yes — but he knew great people often use truth to enslave others.”

One other thing you may consider would be to keep the focus on the boy - have him witness the hypocrisy (littering), and react accordingly, his silent anger could make the ending more impactful.

Rating? Overall, the central irony and social commentary herein are strong and memorable, but the narrative would benefit from some polishing.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/13/2025 @ 1:21pm EDT
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