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 Review #4829255 |
 | Sun and Clouds  [E] A poem describing my feelings about my relationship  |
| (4.0)| Vee Vee, This is a very well-constructed poem. The theme of realization and then self-realization is wonderfully portrayed over iterative stanzas. I am reminded (because I just listened to it about 10 times) the song Stay, by Sugarland. An individual feels a certain way because of someone else, but slowly begins to realize that she has the power over her own destiny. Your metaphor of sun and clouds is a good choice. It's been used to symbolize love many times in poetry; that actually helps in this case. The reader does not have to decipher a new set of symbology to understand the sentiment and the emotions being discussed. It seems we've pretty mush all seen sun and clouds in this way, and some of us still are. This is all to compliment you on writing a poem that is easily absorbed by a wide range of readers. Your repetition of noticing the clouds—the areas where a relationship is suffering—and the state of perceived perfection really help turn the poem slowly toward the end. Because the poem is so good, I would like to challenge you. There is, perhaps, room to make it punch harder, sharper, by paring your lines down a bit. A lot more can be said, sometimes, with fewer words. For instance (and please forgive the liberties I take here): One morning I craved the sun and said goodbye to the cloud I went looking for the sun I craved It was then I realised I didn’t need anyone to give me the sun I was the sun I am my own sun and my own cloud I control it and I am happy because of me! could be condensed to Then I craved sun: farewell to clouds! I sought the sun And realised I needed no one else for— I am the sun; I am the cloud And now I control my own sun and shade! Again, I know I took some liberties with your work there, but it's one example of how lines can be tightened down. Sometimes that helps so the reader can focus more on the important words only. Even without this suggestion, this is a very good poem, and the reader is glad to see you shine for yourself, something we all need to be able to do. Good job. This review offered by Jeffrey ——————————   "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Please note that my reviews are intended to be respectful and encouraging. If you feel I have been rude, cruel, or otherwise inappropriate, please report this review to a moderator.
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