Hi,

I’d rate this 4/5. The concept and execution are compelling; with a few targeted trims and a hint more context for Jonah, it could be better.

What works well:

The café setting, tactile sounds (spoon clink, neon hum), and sensory detail ground the scene and create an effective, noir-ish mood. Tension builds steadily from start to intriguing ending.

The exchange between Jonah and Solace hits the philosophical beats without becoming excessively moralistic; Solace’s calm, slightly uncanny voice contrasts well with Jonah’s defensiveness.

Maybe it's because I'm tired, but I'm not sure what to make of the deliberately flawed circle.

Some small things you might consider:

What's the relationship between Jonah and Solace? Why does Solace's agency, or lack thereof, matter to him personally?

More show vs tell: A few lines tell Jonah’s feelings rather than showing them.

Example: “Jonah had the distinct, unsettling feeling that if Solace had lungs…” Consider tightening to a concrete physical reaction (e.g., “Jonah felt his hands go cold”) to keep immediacy.


Some phrases are redundant or could be sharper.

e.g. “The metal spoon clinked against the ceramic in an uneven rhythm.” Then later “The metal spoon clinked…” The spoon detail is good once; but variety adds interest.

And, in the longer dialogue, you might want to attribute more frequently, to help keep who's speaking clear in your reader's mind.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .