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 Review #4834387 |
The Loom and The Blade Chapter 1  [E] Prince Gareth Dunmoor is attacked and saved by a mysterious woman who then disappears  |
| (3.5)| Greetings Dragonbane - This is review of "The Loom and The Blade Chapter 1" .This review is given in the spirit of fellowship, and to help improve each other's writing. It by no means is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed within. Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest. [ First Thoughts ] This first chapter was a solid beginning, with introductions to both Prince Gareth Dunmor and Serenya. We get a glimpse into what the prince is like with his people as well as his men. Serenya makes a showstopping appearance, helping to save the day before mysteriously disappearing. An interesting start. I would have liked to know more about Prince Gareth before jumping into the action. Who is he as a person besides his position in court? What are more of his opinions about his people, his return from war, his goals for the future? One question I kept wondering - what attributes make the prince the main character and not one of his men? [ Errors ] One thing that became clear while reading this was the lack of paragraph breaks throughout your first chapter. It's important to remember that each time a different character speaks, it becomes a new paragraph. By doing this, you help the reader better understand who is saying what dialogue. Unfortunately, while reading through your work, I found it difficult to keep track of characters. So many things were happening at once without a clear separation between Serenya, the prince, or his men. By making these corrections and breaking up the paragraphs, it'll become much easier to read. “My name is Serenya, and I knew you were about to be attacked because I had foreseen it.(") [ Suggestions ] I found problems with distinguishing between certain pieces of action because they are crammed together into one paragraph. Particularly, in the second paragraph, you've set a key scene of action with the assassination attempt on the prince's life. It's meant to be chaotic as well as showcase Serenya's unveiling. However, because it is crammed together, every action is muddled, losing the tension you're trying to create. I would highly suggest breaking these paragraphs up further to help better track the characters. Every time you switch perspective, much in the way a camera shifts perspective in a film, make a new paragraph. Every time someone new speaks, make a new paragraph. This will help with readability as well as maintaining the intrigue you're constructing. One guide I would recommend would be to read Zoe M. McCarthy's 13 Guidelines for When to Start a New Paragraph in Your Story . This short article might help you find appropriate places to break up your paragraphs to help better the flow of your narrative. With these changes, you'll have a much stronger chapter.[ Favorite Line/Segment ] 'The woman glared at the prince sullenly, “I just saved your life, your highness. A thank you might be more fitting, don’t you think?”' Serenya captivates the page with her appearance and her attitude adds a nice touch to the otherwise tense situation. The moment of humor works well as a counter to the prince's suspicions. He may have every right to be wary of her, but she stands out an intriguing individual and the dialogue matches that. [ Conclusion ] Overall, this was a decent first chapter. Your concepts are interesting, and your writing matches the creativity of your premise. With some restructuring, I think you'll have an even better start to the story you're trying to tell. All in all, a promising introduction. Thank you for sharing your work. Write on! 
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You responded to this review 09/09/2025 @ 9:34am EDT