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 Review #4834628 |
 | Valentines  [ASR] A poem i wrote to my dear valentine.  |
| Greetings zeni  - This is review of "Valentines" .This review is given in the spirit of fellowship, and to help improve each other's writing. It by no means is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed within. Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest. [ First Thoughts ] The moon is a constant companion in the first half of the poem, serving as a connection between the narrator and their lover. There seems to be distance between them, whether that is literal, figurative, or both is left up to the reader. A certain amount of longing comes through each line of this piece. The second half of this poem switches gears, becoming more specific about the emotions the narrator feels for their lover in the memories of the things they share. You've chosen in this section to switch your technique and rhyme. The shift changes the tone of the poem somewhat, bringing in more emotional intensity. [ Errors ] I found that there were a few spelling errors, mostly with the capitalization of "I". As this was not consistent throughout the poem, I can only assume this was not a stylistic choice. Below is a line by line edit of potential corrections. Line 5: To care, because i (I) couldn’t. Line 16: I love who i (I) am around you, Line 17: Do you feel what i (I) feel when i’m (I'm) with you? Line 18: The feeling i (I) cannot put into words, do you feel that too? Line 20: I wish i (I) could tell you, But (but) the words that come to mind are only a few, Line 26: The way i (I) wanted to stick with you, almost like glue. Line 28: Where people lie, scream(,) and commit crimes, Line 30: A day where (when) even the illiterate’s can rhyme… Line 32: But for me, all i (I) could ask for during this time, Line 33: Is for you, my love, to be my valentine(.) [ Suggestions ] One thing I noticed about your poem is that the first two stanzas are written in a freestyle form, while the last two stanzas are written in a classic structure where the last word of each sentence rhymes. This sudden style change was a bit jarring to read. To make a more cohesive poem, I would suggest potentially choosing one style and keeping it throughout. This change could help with making sure the correct sentiment is getting across to the reader. [ Favorite Line/Segment ] "It’s the same moon that you’ve looked at, My form of connection with you." The moon ties the narrator to the lover who is removed from them. Being able to look at the same sky creates a bridge to cross the distance between them. It is a beautiful chord, especially coming at the end of the stanza. [ Conclusion ] It was easy to see that this is a heartfelt piece. With a few adjusts to punctuation and structure, I believe this can become an outstanding poem. Thank you for sharing your lovely work. Write on!
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