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 Review #4834703 |
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| (4.5)| Hi! I'm doing this review for "House of Sensual Prose " because they donated 2 MBs to "Earn the Badge - CLOSED" for those of us who do some reviews of HSP members' romantic or erotic items. Erotica/romance isn't really my thing, but MBs are, so here I am. lol Note: I review as I read through. Also, none of my comments are intended to be harsh or hurtful, so if anything comes across that way, try saying it again in a friendly tone of voice.  Curious/interesting title. It's one of the reasons I chose this. I was also interested in the fact that you had a question mark at the end of the description. I really wanted to know what that was about. lol Nice work...unless you're actually confused, then maybe rethink that? Well done having 3 genres! SO MANY people don't! You're not only missing out on readers (genres are the #1 way people find things to read here), but also, if your item gets nominated for "The Quills" (only new items qualify), it is missing out on additional nominations since it's automatically put into all the genre categories that you, the author, list. But if you don't list all 3, no matter HOW OBVIOUSLY it belongs in a category, if it's not listed, it doesn't get put in there so you miss out on chances to win. Anyway, so far, you're doing everything right! Another reason I picked this poem was that it was broken into stanzas. That made it seem more reader-friendly to me. Thanks for that. I should mention, I'm not a poet, so I don't know what I'm doing when I read these things. lol "My thighs are set aflame at his touch" I am glad you wrote "aflame" instead of "on fire" but I'm wondering if you can be even more creative here. "...hungry tongue." Interesting. I haven't seen that before. Not sure what I think, but at least it's different, so I like that! lol I think I like it? "as my body starts to quiver from his ravenous lunge." This is an interesting line to be because up to "quiver" I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, typical writing -- what everyone says" but then the ending is a lovely new twist. I really love "ravenous lunge." Nice! I don't read a lot of erotica, but I feel like that's fresh. "A small moan escapes my lips..." I bet if you type that phrase into Google, you'll get over 1 million hits. You can do better. "Slowly, passionately he drives his being within, as my swollen walls pulsate and flood for him." Here's the creativity I'm looking for above. Don't give me a small moan escaping your lips when you can give me this stuff. I knew you could do better. lol IDK, maybe this is all over the internet, too. But I don't think so. I think this is more unique. This is what makes your poetry YOURS. "...thrust of his shaft" Meh. Again, I think you need to push yourself. I know poets who spend months or years working on the same poem, perfecting each line, each word. I mean I've met professional poets. Maybe you're satisfied, but I see some real talent in some of these lines, so if you're not fully satisfied, I don't think you should be. I think, with time and effort (and maybe some education -- at least YouTube and books), you could get published. But then, I'm not a poet. I've just taken a poetry class or two and met a poet or two. Do what you want with your poetry. Some people don't have the goal to be published. It is a lot more work, for sure, especially if you want to be traditionally published in a magazine or something."I claw and tear at his sweating husky back." YOUCH! Sounds terribly painful! Hahaha! So many reasons to stay single... lol "The raging beats of our hearts become one," I both love and don't love this line. I love the beginning and the sentiment, but the "hearts become one" part seems a bit overdone or maybe just the "become one" part, even though the part about heartbeats becoming one isn't. I think it's from the idea of 2 people becoming one in marriage? IDK. I would love to see this done better -- same idea, but pushed further. "Deeper he prods himself into my damp canal, and I arch my back to his impassioned rhythm." Not sure about "prods" here because I feel like that word isn't strong enough for what I think he is doing, but maybe you and I imaging prodding as different. lol However, I definitely LOVE that 2nd line! Excellent "The peak of pure ecstasy was our only demand" Yeah, that's it, just the peak of pure ecstasy, nothing more, no big deal. Hahaha! Great line! Overall, lovely work, but I do think you can do better in some parts. Unfortunately for you, you prove me right in other parts. lol You got this! I do hope to see you work on this again one of these days. I see you have edited it at least once, but it has also been many, many years. Well, I can't throw stones. I'm the same way. In fact, most of my port is unedited. lol But I admit to despising editing and just writing things here for fun. lol One other suggestion -- many members here are older. Consider making your items size 3.5 or 4 so they can read them more easily. I know some members will simply skip smaller font items. I have a touchscreen so I just enlarge them, but not everyone does. It's just a thought. Anyway, nice work. Keep writing. And remember that these are just my opinions. Do with them as you see fit!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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