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 Review #4834714 |
 | Basics of Erotica-Assignment 3  [18+] Ted and Sonia try new things and Jade and Santos get between the sheets  |
| (4.0)| Hi! I'm reviewing this for "House of Sensual Prose " because they donated 2 MBs to "Earn the Badge - CLOSED" . Normally, I don't read erotica or even romance, but I do love MBs, so here we are. lolFirst, I'd like to mention that a lot of older people are on this site, so you might want to consider making your items size 3.5 or 4. You may get more readers. I can just enlarge my screen because I have a touchscreen, but I know some folks only read larger stuff. It's just a thought. For your title, while it definitely helped me find what I wanted to review because I happen to know what this assignment is about (thanks to the 1st person I reviewed who put the assignment in a popnote), you may get more readers if you put in an interesting title. Not many folks are going around looking for Assignment 3 of HSP to review. lol But a good title might lure in some readers. You only have 1 genre listed. You're losing readers. Genres are the #1 way people search for things to read. Also, though this is too old (it needs to be newly written), but for "The Quills" , when something is nominated, it is automatically put into all the genre categories for judging, too. But no matter HOW OBVIOUS it is that an item belongs in a category, if it's not listed in that genre by the author, it doesn't get judged in that genre category, so you miss a chance to win. Listing all your genres is important for multiple reasons. There's at least 1 more reason, but it's currently escaping me. But trust me, you should list all 3 whenever possible. I haven't read this yet, but would the Relationship genre fit? What about Erotica? Educational? Maybe not, but it was an assignment. lol If you had included the prompt/assignment as the 1st person did, it might be a little easier to justify. lol I actually recommend people include prompts, even contest prompts, when they are writing for a prompt. It (hopefully) keeps people from giving them a bad rating for choices they make that had to do with the contest requirements. I've had dings in ratings because an item was too short for real character development. Well, it was maxed at 250 words, so what could I do? If I'd mentioned that in the prompt, maybe I wouldn't have had that star removed. If you mention that the prompt is to use a Z word every 5 words, you won't get dinged for using too many Z words. lol You can use a dropnote, popnote, or even just put it on the top in gray or whatever works for you. I always appreciate the word count. Thanks for that! Remember that anything I say is meant to help, not harm. If something seems hurtful, try resaying it with a friendly tone of voice.  But in the end, this is all just my opinion. It's your writing.Some of the dialogue seems unnatural -- "I do not hear anything." "It does not bother me at all." "It is your turn first." Using contractions will help. "I hear nothing too." You need a comma after "nothing." "Are you sure." That should end in a question mark instead of a period. "...loosing each other in the emotions..." I assume that should be "losing" instead of "loosing." Overall, part one is good -- nothing too serious to pick apart, but it could use some editing. I understand. I hate editing, myself. lol Most of the stuff in my port is unedited. Yikes. lol While the story isn't remarkable, it's good. But I can't say what can make it better. Unfortunately, I hate that I can't say what to do to improve it. It's not the storyline, I think. I think it's just the mechanics, maybe? IDK. Or maybe it needs more interest? IDK. Like I said, I can't help this story go from good to great. I do apologize for that. I'm not including part 2 in my review because I can see there are some typos in there and it seems more like a description than a story, like a work in progress -- even if you never finish it. I'm reducing the stars because of the typos, not because the story isn't all it can be because I don't think it's fair to reduce stars if I can't pinpoint how to improve it. Well, changing the dialogue to include more contractions will help make it sound more natural, but that's about all I can say that's not just simple edits. I apologize for not being able to do more. Remember that these are just my own opinions. Do with that what you wish. Keep working on your writing craft. You do know how to make sweet characters. I liked both of these and I think I'll also like Santos and Jade when they are more fleshed out as well. Good job on that. I wish you the best and I do apologize for not being able to help more. But I certainly encourage you to proofread before hitting the Save button.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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