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 Review #4834726 |
 | Birthday Gift  [XGC] Adult Contest entry for "Happy Birthday" on the Weekly Quickie  |
| (4.0)| Hi! I'm reviewing this for "House of Sensual Prose " because they offered 2 MBs in "Earn the Badge - CLOSED" . I don't enjoy reviewing and I don't really read romance, let alone erotica. But I love MBs, so here we are. lol Remember that everything I say is intended to be encouraging and for good. If something comes across as hurtful, try saying it in a friendly tone of voice.  Also, this is your work, so do with my opinions as you wish. They are, after all, only my opinions.Speaking of my opinions, consider doing items with font size 3.5 or 4 because we have a lot of older adults here. I have a touchscreen so I can just enlarge my screen. But not everyone does. I know some folks just skip things that are too small to read. It's just a thought. You may need to change your description rating. I've not seen N/A as a description rating before, but TBH, I don't usually pay attention to description ratings. Anyway, I think this should be Non-E. Optionally, you can just change your description, then change your description to E. You can totally have an E description on a non-E item. Also, your item is definitely not XGC. It might even be 18 Plus (my plus sign is broken), but is definitely no more than GC. I checked with another Mod about some of the words you used and she said they fall in the 18 Plus category. It's just whether the item as a whole does. But you will capture more readers in the GC rating than XGC, IMO. And probably more in 18 Plus, but if you're worried about that rating, there is a ratings forum where you can ask. I don't recall what it is, of course. Yeah, I know. Not helpful. lol You can ask another Mod or Senior Mod about that forum or try to hunt it down or just lower it to GC to be safe if you don't want to go through all the trouble. But it's definitely not XGC, for sure. I've read some VERY disturbing things rated E on here that WERE XGC that I had to use my Mod powers to change because the person refused to change at my polite request. I think they tried to argue for 13 Plus? They were WAY more graphic than yours. EEK! I still cringe at some of bits I read for that review! SHEESH! So many reasons I hate reviewing... And how do I end up reviewing higher rated items sometimes? Well, they were complaining that reviewing was hard, so I went to show them how to do a quick review, pointing out easy things such as genres and ratings and OMG! What did I get myself into! Hahaha! Yeah, did NOT see that coming! We were both a bit horrified in that situation, though for very different reasons. They were quite traumatized that I raised their rating after they refused and they went to argue it, thus how I found out there was a forum (when another Mod told me they could argue against me). I didn't even bother looking to see who would win that argument. lol Anyway, you can go ask innocent questions if you aren't sure how to rate your stuff or you can privately ask a Mod, if you prefer. Not me, though, since I obviously don't know for 100%. Hahaha! As for your genres, you should change Contest. First, you probably meant Contest Entry, not Contest. This definitely isn't a contest. lol But even for a contest entry, genres are the #1 way people search for something to read. No one searches for contest entries to read (or activity, which this also isn't, so good job not choosing that lol). You're losing 1/3 of your potential readers by missing 1 of your 3 genres. I haven't read this yet, but what about Relationship? Romance/Love? Would one of those fit? "Sitting at the table with her boyfriend in a gourmet restaurant, Ari is miserable. She can sense Joe doesn’t want to be there, and what’s worse – with her." Yikes! Well, that sucks! I immediately feel for her. Good job! The first paragraph seems to be going from present to past tense. I totally have that problem, myself. I am terrible at staying in present tense. I see you are putting your period on the outside of the quotation marks. If you are from the US, that needs to go inside, as do commas. If you're not, ignore me. lol Next time you put the period inside the quotation mark. I'm confused. Again, if you're European, ignore me. If you're from the US, it always goes inside the quotes...as do commas. Whenever you start a new person speaking, your start a new paragraph. You have both him and her speaking in the same paragraph, so it's a bit confusing. Next time you read a professionally published book pay attention and you'll notice that. She runs to the ladies room then she says "Just go"? (My question mark is outside the quotes because it goes inside or outside depending on if the question is inside or outside the quotation marks -- same with exclamation points in the US, in case you are from here.) So, is she speaking to herself or speaking to him but knows he can't hear her or you just needed to proofread and didn't? I get that last bit. I hate proofreading, myself. lol When Ari is thinking to herself about how humiliating this is, that should be in italics instead of in quotes unless she's speaking it out loud. And then when the waitress starts speaking to her, start a new paragraph. "Sweetly she smiles..." You need a comma after "Sweetly." More need for paragraph breaks for speaking and italics for inner dialogue. Oh, I LOVE that ending! That's fantastic! Hahaha! Remember that all this is just my opinion, so do with it as you wish. I do wish I could do more to help you with the writing side more than just the technical side. Sorry about that. But hopefully, I've helped you with something. If not, well, I tried. lol My rating is a reflection of the mechanics and need for proofreading, things like changing paragraphs when changing speakers, keeping the same tense, italics for inner dialogue, etc. I do hope you keep working on your writing. And definitely keep working on editing and proofreading. I know this is from a long time ago, so no doubt, you've improved. Surely, there are typos in this review since I didn't proofread it. lol Well, luckily for me, you can't rate reviews. Hahaha! Anyway, I wish you the best on your writing journey!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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