\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://web1.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4834731
Review #4834731
Viewing a review of:
 She Only Shrugged Open in new Window. [E]
She Only Shrugged
by Br1g8t Author Icon
Review of She Only Shrugged  Open in new Window.
Review by LdyPhrankenstein Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings Br1g8t Author IconMail Icon -

*Bullet*This is review of "She Only Shrugged" Open in new Window..*Bullet*
This review is given in the spirit of fellowship, and to help improve each other's writing.
It by no means is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed within.
Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest.


[ First Thoughts ]

         This story had a haunting quality to it. The narrator is struggling to parse the tragedy that is unfolding before them, and I felt that frustration keenly. There is a deep sense of confusion as events unfold, although their emotions seem to understand what logic cannot follow.

         It took me a couple of reads to gleam all the details laid out by the dreamer, and I'm still unsure if I got them all. In this way, you've captured the essence of how hazy dreams (and nightmares) can be.

[ Errors ]

         I could find no spelling errors. Well done! *ThumbsUpGreen*

[ Suggestions ]

         Your style of writing is gripping as you walk the reader through this dream. These suggestions are to potentially make for easier readability and to help with the flow of the story.

         *Bullet* Usually, my dreams feel like deliberate daydreams(,) me steering the wheel of my own imagination.

         *Bullet* I looked down and saw the problem (—) a burst in the pipe.

         *Bullet* The floor beneath me was soft, damp sand(,) the kind you’d find around a Nigerian home after rain.

         *Bullet* Between small plantations(') maize, perhaps, and something else I couldn’t name(,) two rats caught my eye.

         *Bullet* Two figures appeared (—) a woman in her forties and a young girl.

         *Bullet* A third figure approached(,) a young woman about the same age as the first.

         *Bullet* The air between us was thick with grief(;) not the loud kind, but the kind that has no space to breathe. I asked again(.) (This) this time about the woman I’d seen first.

         *Bullet* Something about that gesture ripped through me(;) a sorrow too heavy for my chest.

         *Bullet* She was tall(,) impossibly tall(,) and dark-skinned.

[ Favorite Line/Segment ]

"The air between us was thick with grief not the loud kind, but the kind that has no space to breathe."


         There were many lines of your story that stood out to me, but this particular description rocked me. It's a poignant line that paints such an emotional image of pain. As you described, grief can be suffocating at times. I really felt for the narrator here as well as the people coming in and out of the dream, reliving these moments that seemed like memories.

[ Conclusion ]

         This story was a vivid in its emotions and imagery. It was easy to fall into the dreamscape with the narrator, feeling the same weight of events. Your words linger, and I imagine this story will stick with me for a long time to come.

         Thank you so much for sharing your fantastic story. Write on!



A review signature by Mari.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://web1.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4834731