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Review #4834742
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Review by LdyPhrankenstein Author IconMail Icon
Rated: | (3.5)
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Greetings bobaturn Author IconMail Icon-

*Bullet*This is review of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..*Bullet*
This review is given in the spirit of fellowship, and to help improve each other's writing.
It by no means is meant to cause harm by the opinions expressed within.
Please take what you feel is constructive and discard the rest.


[ First Thoughts ]

         A sudden accident in the middle of nowhere leads to a close encounter as strangers meet in the middle of a road. It seems somewhat convoluted, but you make the premise work well. I like how precise you are with your wording, keeping things short and to the point. It adds to the horror and fantasy elements by holding the reader on their toes.

[ Errors ]

         There were a few small errors, mostly to do with spacing, that can easily be fixed.

         *Bullet* I looked around, eyes stinging,coughing as the dust cloud started to settle. (space needed)

         *Bullet* His eyes were a strange shade of yellow.. I felt(,) if I stared into them any longer...

         *Bullet* “It’ll be soon now..(.)”

         *Bullet* (")‘Maybe if I knock him off his feet and roll him.”

         *Bullet* She’d been wearing her seatbelt. (seat belt)

         *Bullet* I’m sure it has some pain killers in it.” (painkillers)

         *Bullet* She adlibbed jazz sounds instead of words, She (she) reached for me dancing us erratically away from the rising dust storm.

         *Bullet* “All I know is that guy said the Old One’s (Ones) were coming.

         *Bullet* “It happened.” I don’t think it is a wise idea to stick around.

         *Bullet* “We’ve got to stick together.(") (paragraph break) She began singing our Do-wap-a-do song and laughed as I joined in. Comic relief.

         *Bullet* “You know that no-one is going to believe us.(")The (space needed) sound of the wind passing the car has my nerves jumpy.”

         *Bullet* Don’ t (delete space) like Jazz you can dance to?

[ Suggestions ]

         You've created a solid story with a slow-creeping horror. The one place where things are a bit muddled is towards the end. The transition from being on the road to time passing after the encounter seems to get lost in the shuffle. I would suggest going over the ending once more and adding more detail to help establish the time jump.

[ Favorite Line/Segment ]

"Don’t like Jazz you can dance to? If you are ever caught out in the middle of a road with the wind stirring around you, give it a try."


         This last line was an intriguing way to end your story. I found myself caught off-guard by the sentiment, which added to the horror of the events that unfolded. An earworm of a song and an instant obsession - truly frightening the more I sit with it.

[ Conclusion ]

         You've done well with building suspense throughout your story. The horror adds up over time, making this terrifying as things progress. There are a couple of issues with grammatical errors and a muddled ending that could use some improvement. However, I think with some slight changes, you'll have an excellent horror story on your hands.

         Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful work. Write on!



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