%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4838667 |
 | Childhood Whispers of Lace  [13+] A teenage underwear curiosity leads to adult fetish  |
| (4.5)| Good morning, Bra Den , and welcome to WdC. A few words about myself before I get started: I am old (70+) which, if you like, you can say translates into experience. I wrote from the age of ten through about seventy. For reasons I don't completely understand myself, I no longer do so, but I love to read, and that is what brings us together today. I selected your story from the Read a Newbie sidebar because something in that title piqued my curiosity and I had to have a look. Upon looking, I found an engaging story, and because I enjoyed it, I am taking the time to tell you. If there are things you don't agree with, understand that I am no Professor of English; I can barely tell a conjunction from a preposition, and remain uncertain to this day where all the commas belong. But don't worry; to paraphrase a famous quote, I come to praise the writer, not to bury him! So, let's get started, okay?WARNING THIRD-PARTY READERS: SPOILERS AHEAD FIRST IMPRESSION: As the philosophers say, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. My first impression is that this was hilarious! A bunch of pre-teens exploring a shop that specializes in sexy lingerie is just too rich. I know that when I was 11, I had no idea about any of this; of course, I turned 11 in 1959, so, not unusual. This was also a nostalgia trip back to my children's childhood with BMX bikes, KB Toys, and Sam Goody Records. We get a good look at a child's developing fetish, from its origins to young adulthood. I don't know if they develop like that, or if one can be "scared straight" by a random encounter with an older sister, but it reads true. As does the brother-sister family dynamic. Reading this, I would guess that you had an older sister growing up. Anyway... The story was tight. The pacing, the passage of time, the effects of the interactions, all sounded reasonable to me. Like I said, I'm not sure that the climactic event would cure him, but it's certainly a good story. CHARACTERS: Here's an old saying I just made up: Characters are fiction. In this story, we have Tommy and his little gang of friends, plus Sarah, his sister. We don't see her much, but her impact on the story is essential and well-handled. I have no complaints here; this is a good cast. I also like the way that the narration mirrors the viewpoint characters. "Hung in the air like a bad fart" is preteen boy gold! IMMERSION BREAKS: When you write a story, you are weaving a magic spell around your reader. He wants you to succeed; he wants to lose himself in your constructed world. Some things, whether grammar, spelling, or word usage, yank him out of the narrative, and should be ruthlessly eliminated. The first thing to point out is that I found no spelling or grammar issues, and in a story of this length, that's saying something. I always recommend that authors begin by increasing the font size of their stories. Some of us are old, and our eyes have seen better days, and I always have to ask myself, "Is this story worth stacking two pairs of reading glasses for?" In this case it was, but the next buy might not think so. I usually recommend that you put a cover on your story to make it stand out from the crowd, but in this case that might require a higher rating, so use your discretion on this one. One more serious suggestion: Place the internal dialogue in italics. An example is where Tommy thinks, What was she doing here? Italics are an instant cue to readers that this is neither spoken nor a narrator's interpretation, but Tommy's actual thought in the moment. THE BOTTOM LINE:   This is due to the items listed in Immersion Breaks and little niggle at the back of my mind that the end result doesn't match reality. It's still a brilliantly entertaining story about a kid who gets sent down a dark path by one random event, how it develops, and what eventually stops it. It's good work, and I don't mean to denigrate it at all.* * * So, why does a non-writer maintain an account on Writing-dot-com? Because for sixty years I was a writer. Some of my work is published, much of it isn't, but I wished to collect it all in one place for anyone to read, and this site seemed the best fit. I invite you to take a look into my port and read anything that catches your eye, but I want to make one thing perfectly clear: This is not a request for a reciprocal review! It's simply that I enjoy being read as much as the next writer, and if nobody knows it's there, nobody's likely to read it. Consider this advertising... In any case, I enjoyed your story and thank you for sharing. I wish you the greatest of success on your writing journey, whatever you consider that to be. Just remember, it isn't all about the goal; the things you experience getting there can be as enjoyable as actually reaching it! Stay inspired, ~ Jack  PS: Should you ever be in the market for a safe place to hang out and discuss the Craft, consider a visit to
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/06/2025 @ 11:26am EDT