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 Review #4844889 |
 | Blue (A short story)  [13+] This is for a contest. Sean works through his feeling with his best friend, Ann.  |
| (4.0)| A WdC SuperPowers Review Hi LB . I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Blue (A short story)" . Good morning. Your story was listed on the site's Read & Review feature. Quick fact: This feature displays items from folks who are online or were online recently for others to read and review.I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. You have the making of a good story, but I found it a bit difficult to read. I mean, it was hard to keep which character was prominent at any given time. Let me cite an example. You probably know that when two characters are speaking, each one has its own paragraph. That paragraph is all about that character speaking. You shouldn't include both characters in that one paragraph. You wrote: “Ann?” She was standing in the doorway, her long auburn hair softly waving through the air. “Ann?” was spoken by Sean. But the rest of the information in that paragraph described Ann. It would follow better, I think, if that last sentence was placed after ... instant. in the previous paragraph. That same situation occurs in your line: “Why are you here?” Sean asked. She sighed softly and sat on the steps next to him. You changed the emphasis from Sean to Ann in the same paragraph. This paragraph is written correctly: Ann laughed a little. Not a happy laugh, an exasperated one. “You need to try getting out of that head of yours sometime. I’m here because you need me Sean.” Though you need a comma after 'me'. On a separate note, consider adding a word count since you've written this for a contest. Most contests require a word count. Your dialogue is pretty good. It moves the story along well. Personally, I couldn't identify with a "mighty birch" tree, especially if it's beside a forest of Oak trees. Having built many treehouses when younger, I would find the branches of an oak more suitable.  Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Just a couple quick punctuation notes: Ellipses require a space before and after the three dots--the spaces allow for the actual spaces between words. If it appears at the end of a sentence, there is a space and four dots with the final dot signifying the period. You should change the rating of your story from E to 13+ because of your subject matter. Please make that change on your own, please. My Rating. 4.0. You have a great start; just a little clean-up is needed. Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/27/2025 @ 8:59pm EST