A Self-Portrait

A story about a slob changing her life.

The odor of a two-week-old milkshake and half-eaten double cheeseburger filled the air as Eris opened the back door of her sedan. She let the dresses tucked under her arms fall to the ground as she brought her arm to her nose. It did nothing to cover the smell. It only made her aware of the layer of sweat coating her body.

She stuffed the dresses one by one into any nook she could find. As she stuffed, sunlight flickered through spaces between stacks of clothes. The more she stuffed, the smaller the lights became until it looked like stars in the darkened vehicle.

She started to close the door when she spotted a trail of dresses leading to her car. It tempted her to pull out her phone and scroll through Facebook or play a game - anything to release the mounting pressure from that sucky day. She pushed the trap from her mind. There was no time for delay. She had to get out of that apartment before Adessa came home. Eris had accepted that sneaking out in the middle of the day would give Adessa more creative liberties in the shaping the dramatic tale of their ‘friendship.’ The alternative was to give Adessa time to sabotage her. She hated to even think it, as recognizing it’s truth was to admit Adessa’s power over her.

Eris picked up the last errant dress on the trail. As she turned toward her car, something in her periphery caused her to stop. She slowly turned her head toward what should’ve been an empty parking spot. Empty, it was not. There sat the unmistakable purple Prius - Adessa’s purple Prius. Eris ducked down. Her idiocy shamed her. If Adessa were in the car, she would still be able to see her. She stood up and looked through the back window. No one was there.

She looked at her phone, 11:30 AM. Adessa must’ve come home for lunch. Eris thought back to the 30-minute break she took to watch YouTube videos as she entered the wrong 4-digit password. She did this twice more before she slowed down.
She ran up the stairs, hoping she had closed the door to her bedroom. If she had, all she would have to do is play nice until lunchtime was over and then bring down her last armful of stuff.

As Eris opened the door to their apartment, Adessa called out, “What are you doing?” from the direction of Eris’s room. Eris stood at the entrance and tapped the doorknob then she marched toward her room.

Adessa stood in front of Eris’s closet. The makeshift locking system hung off the door. It had been the first thing to be taken done that morning. She intended to pack the stuff in the closet first but decided to pack it last to prevent it from getting smashed.

“Have you been hiding paintings in here all this time,” Adessa said, a small painting in her hand. “This is pretty good. You should put it up.”

“Look…Adessa…”

“What’s going on?”

Eris took the painting from Adessa and placed it in the closet. With her back facing Adessa, she said, “I’m moving out.”

“When were you going to tell me?” Adessa asked. Eris had imagined she’d receive this question long after she was gone, via text or over the phone. With Adessa in the room, the words were too thick in her mouth. To say them was to disturb her shallow breathing, and she could not afford to faint just now. The silence held. “Where are you going?” Adessa asked. “To Jake. You can’t. He’ll just say-”

“No, I’m moving in with Stephanie,” Eris replied, not wanting to let that assumption stand. Eris did not miss Jake, think about Jake, or have his number for that matter. She had walked away from him. He was the one that couldn’t let go. She started to correct Adessa when she noticed the blank stare on her face. Adessa was staring at her, though not really. Her eyes had the look of seeing passed her. Eris could almost hear the gears turning in Adessa’s head. Eris wondered if she had fallen into a trap. Adessa knew about Eris’s feelings on Jake yet brought him up as if Eris would actually move back in with him. She pushed the thought aside. She hadn’t revealed anything she didn’t want to. She was moving in with Stephanie. Adessa would find out eventually.

Adessa slipped her phone out of her pocket as she walked out of the room. Eris closed the door behind her. After a few breaths she walked toward the bed and picked up white linen gloves. She went to her closet and pulled out the first painting. It was supposed to be a self-portrait though Eris never looked like that image at any point in her life. The girl in the painting wore a glamorous gown, had blemish-free black skin, and perfect curls that shaped her face. She looked down, looking for herself in the painting but finding a food-stained top and last night’s pajama bottoms.

Adessa charged into the room “Just look at this. Look at this room.” Eris turned to face her. Adessa had her phone pointed at a stain Eris knew as vomit. She started to promise that she would pay for the carpet cleaning when she heard a sound of disgust coming from the other end of the phone.

“This stain has been here for months, and she just lives in it,” Adessa said to the person on the other end.
“Who are you talking to?” Eris asked as she walked toward Adessa. She looked down at the screen. It was Stephanie. Eris snatched the phone from Adessa “Don’t listen to her. This is exactly why I need to leave. Who does this?” Eris had introduced Stephanie to Adessa at the beginning of the year. She had suspicions that the two were developing a friendship that no longer included her, but Stephanie had been Eris’s friend for years. That must count for something.

“Adessa is a nice person,” Stephanie said as she pulled the phone further from her face. “I don’t want to get in the middle of this.”
“What are you saying?” Eris responded.

“You kind of called me out of the blue with this. I never expected it to happen so quickly. I can’t right now.” There was a moment of silence before she called out. “Talk to you some other time, okay.” Stephanie hung up.

“You know, she wasn’t taking you seriously.”

“Get out.”

“I don’t know what I have ever done to you. When Jake tried to destroy your car, I was there to pick you up.”

“Get out.”

“When you came here with no job, I patiently waited for you to come up with the funds.”

“I repaid every penny.” Eris walked to the door. “Get out.”

“Where are you going now?” Eris stood there, silent. Adessa walked up to Eris her eyes roaming over Eris’s body. When her eyes found Eris’s, she flinched away from her. “What’s wrong with you,” she said as she walked out of the door. Eris slammed and locked the door

Eris stood at the door, listening to doors unlatch and slam all around the apartment. She went through her phone and found Stephanie’s name. She dialed, not knowing what she would say or how she could change her mind. It didn’t matter. Stephanie did not answer. Eris texted, “How could u take her word over mine? You have to be daft not to see what she’s doing. She’s using you to get to me.” She waited a few minutes to get a response but received none. “Every time Adessa doesn’t get her way, this is what she does. She just has to get her way.” Again, she waited but received no response. Eris looked down at the painting then pulled out a bag of art supplies. She retrieved acid-free paper and began wrapping the painting. She had no plan but she would not stay another night in this apartment. Once the painting was wrapped and package she walked to the door then stop short. It would be better to pack everything and take it down in one load. She did not want to give Adessa more opportunities to stir up trouble.

She wrapped the remaining paintings, grabbed up her art supplies and took one last look at her bedroom. The bed and dressers were Adessa’s; the stains and debris were hers. She left 200 dollars on the mattress. It should cover the cost of cleaning.

She walked out the door and was momentarily distracted by the smell of Adessa’s chocolate chip cookies. The pile of crap on the living room floor diverted her attention. The pile of crap was the stuff Eris had brought to the car. Adessa sat on the couch a scowl on her face. It was if she was angry that she had to bring Eris's stuff up the stairs.

“I don’t understand why you carry all of this crap around with you,” Adessa said as she stood. “This has a hole in it. This is stained. This is too big for you. This is too small. If you would just let me help you…” Adessa said as she walked over to Eris, her eyes full of sympathy. Eris’s remained silent. It was too much to take in. It had taken her 3 hours to put that stuff in her car, and somehow Adessa had managed to undo it in 30 minutes. Adessa put her hand on Eris’s shoulder. Eris involuntarily shoved her, causing Adessa to stumble backward onto the couch. Just as Adessa shrieked with horror, Stephanie walked through the door, a pile of Eris’s stuff in her hand. She held it away from her body, not wanting it to touch her clothes.

“What are you doing to her,” Stephanie said, as she dropped Eris’s stuff to the pile. Another familiar face walked in behind Stephanie. It was Mariah - another friend Eris had before she met Adessa. Eris watched as Stephanie embraced Adessa.

“I barely touched her,” Eris said. Mariah opened her mouth in shock. Eris turned toward Adessa. “I didn’t mean to hurt you if I did.” Adessa shook her head as she massaged her wrist.

Mariah walked to Eris and hugged her. “How are you doing, sweetheart,” Mariah said as she leaned in to kiss Eris’s cheek.
“Fine,” Eris said as she looked at each woman in turn. The three women looked at each other as if waiting for the other to speak. “What are you doing here?”

“Adessa said you seemed like you needed help,” Mariah said.

“Yeah, if you put my stuff back in my car that would be a huge help.”

“Where are you going?” Stephanie asked.

“That’s not your problem,” Eris responded, her voice full of venom. Some Eris was more angry with Stephanie than with Adessa. She knew that Stephanie said another word, she’d tell her off. But for one reason or another, she could not summon her anger when talking to Adessa.
“We just want to know that you’ll be safe,” Adessa said. Eris forced herself to meet Adessa’s eyes.

“I don’t feel safe here.”

“Why not?” Mariah asked, stepping into Eris’s field of vision.

“Adessa’s mouth is ruining my life.”

“I tell you what you don’t want to hear – the truth.”

“No you tell lies, and you tell them to my boss, my mother… my friends.” Eris said as she looked at Mariah and Stephanie.

“You talked to her boss?” Mariah asked. “Why?”

“Briana needed to know that Eris has a drinking problem so that she would make the Christmas party dry.”

“Why do you keep saying that? I don’t have a drinking problem.” Stephanie gave Eris a pointed look. “What? When have I ever had more than three drinks a week?”

“Your birthday,” Stephanie responded.

“Yes, on my birthday, I got super drunk. Sorry about your goddamn shoes, Stephanie.”

“You shouldn’t have talked to her boss. You crossed the line.” Mariah said to Adessa. Eris smiled triumphantly. This is why she liked Mariah. Mariah was the kind of person who told it like it is. People around her always knew where they stood. She like Mariah a lot but had to admit, that her truthfulness was one of the reasons, she didn’t attempt to move in with Mariah.

“My boss monitors me on every happy hour because of that,” Eris said.

“Look, Eris, we aren’t here because of drinking. We’re here because you’re a mess,” Mariah said as she looked at Eris.
Eris crossed her arms over the food stains. “I’m working on it,” she said.

“You’ve been working on it for a long time,” Adessa cut in. “You talk about how depressed you are, and yet you live in a mess. I’d be depressed too.”

“It’s like you’re making yourself worse. We just want you to be happy.” Mariah added. Eris looked at each of them and felt like she was in an intervention. A timer went off in the kitchen. Adessa walked over and took the pan of cookies out of the oven. She took a cookie, wrapped it in a napkin, and then walked to Eris.

“I know that you think I’m the enemy but I’m not using anyone to get to you.” Adessa said as she stood. Her voice carried as if she was talking to a large audience. “If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have done any of this.” Adessa proffered the wrapped cookie to Eris as she gestured toward the stuff in Eris’s arm, as if there were no other moves for Eris to make. Indeed, Eris’s situation did look grimmer than it had that morning. If she left it could mean leaving three friendships instead of one. She wondered if Adessa knew that, if that had been the reason she called Stephanie and Mariah over there.

Eris adjusted the paintings in her arms ignoring the steaming cookie in Adessa’s hand.
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” she said only looking at Mariah and Stephanie. “But I can’t stay here and if you can’t see why then there’s nothing I can say to prove otherwise.” She walked to the door and walked out.

She walked down the stairs, her mind reworking the series of events of the consequences to come. She opened the backdoor to her sedan and the smell of rotting food filled the air. She haphazardly swung her artwork into the backseat and flung the door shut, to block in the smell, to release the collective anger and sadness of a day gone amiss. She succeeded only in slamming one of her paintings in the door. The crack alerted her of her mistake. She quickly unpackaged the painting to assess the damage. It was the “self-portrait.” A crack ran across the face and down to the corner of the picture. She let out a sigh as she opened the back door of her car. She tucked it under her arm and walked around the car to the passenger seat. There, she plucked out the rotting fast-food, keeping it at arm's length. She walked to the dumpster and chucked the food and the painting inside without a backward glance.

She took the stairs two at a time. Mariah waited for her at the top.

“I didn’t know that she had done those things – talked to your boss and mom, and I don't approve of what she's doing now. If you need a place to stay, give me a call.” She walked passed Eris and down the stairs.

Eris continued down the hall to her door. She turned the nob to her old apartment. The door was locked. She used her key to unlock the door, but it wouldn't open. It had been bolted shut from the inside. She shook the door.

“I’ll open the door after you cool off,” Adessa called from the other side.

“Open this—,” Eris started when the apartment door behind her opened. A man in jogging pants appeared with a bag of trash in hand. Eris smiled at him and watched as he walked toward the stairway. Once he turned the corner, Eris walked to the window. She pulled at its base. It was open.

As she opened the window to Adessa’s room, the smell of cherries wafted through the air. She slipped her foot through the window, careful not to knock over the decorative vases that sat beneath. She tiptoed through the room to the door. She leaned on the door.
“Don’t worry about it,” Stephanie said. “She’s a little paranoid it seems.”

“She’s gone nuts. She didn’t even warn me about this. How am I going to make next month’s rent? She’s not on the lease so I can’t hold her accountable.”

Eris walked out of the room and into the living room and reached for the pile of clothes on the ground. “How did you—“ Adessa started. “You’re not yourself.”

“If I have to unhinge the door to keep you from locking it again, I will.”

“What did I ever do to you?”

The room went silent. Eris had already explained herself. Adessa would never accept her role in this. Eris knew that every time Adessa told the story of what happened, she’d play the victim. She wouldn’t stop until she ruined her reputation.

Eris looked down at her stuff on the ground. There was nothing among the pile that didn’t have a stain or hole or other imperfection. And, the pile had a film of crumbs all around it. It was garbage. She removed the key to the apartment from her key ring and threw it onto the pile.

“Stephanie, you may not see it like I do, but Adessa is as fake as they come.” Adessa gasped. “You walk around her like you’re Mother Theresa, like I should thank the heavens that you saved you me. You didn’t. It took me one month to get back on my feet and I did it on my own. Yes, I’m a mess and I’m sorry about that but I’m not crazy. I can see through your games. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Anyone who gossips as much as you, spends too much time in other people’s business.” She walked to the door. “You can keep this junk,” she said as she closed the door behind her. She walked down the stairs. Once at the bottom, she received a text.

“I just kicked Eris out. Now she’s out there crying.” Obviously, Adessa had meant to send it to someone else. A message notification quickly followed. Eris didn’t read it.

Eris got in her car and drove. She didn’t know where she was going, but she wanted to start over, for real this time, to stop being the victim she always seemed to become. She stopped at a motel. As she signed in at the desk, she received a text.
“Do you need a place to stay?” Mariah asked.

“No, I got some things I need to work on, on my own. I'll call you tomorrow.”