Inspired By Bad

When Love Hurts

HURT LOVE

My high expectations often lead to higher disappointment, a truth I can attest to. Lately, I have been regretting being overly kind and generous to some people in my life. I thought by keeping a small circle of relations I would have less worries about betrayals and anything that comes from toxic relation. It turns out that either I choose wrong people to keep in my circle or the people I choose never choose me. Surprisingly, the disappointment has not come from those I doubted, but from those I trusted, including my current partner, who is the mother of my child and the source of my greatest pain. I have always been all loving and caring but now I have less Love, care and everything that goes with it and that is due to the pain and hurt she brought upon me. Me and her started and being in a relationship in year 2021 late Sept.

2023 was our second anniversary, her matric year and being my first year as a varsity student, I realized I had not known her as well as I thought I did. I was planning to give her time with her matric to an extend whereby I was not to come home for until the end of the year where we will both be free of school stuff. Things escalated on the 1st Sept when I told her my female friend had ask me to celebrate her birthday with her, which was on October. Her response was "I hope you won't get mad if I go out with someone on my birthday", and her birthday was on Sept 2nd.

From what she said, I could tell she already had plans and I was right she did have multiple plans which she would have not told me about if I had not said anything about going out with my friend. So, it became obvious that she was hiding something if not things from me. She made it seem as if I am anxious over nothing then started telling me she is too busy to talk to me. We did not agree completely since Sept 1st that she even forgot our anniversary on Sept 6th. She told me she was focusing on her yearend exams and could not deal with the "drama" that I was causing. I came home by October so we can sort out the issues we had and that is when I found out everything that proved her disloyalty and untrustworthy. My instincts led me to investigate, and I discovered her interactions with other dudes, including her past acquaintances.

In the process of me finding out her shady deeds, I asked her to tell me anything and everything I should know. At first, she had no clue of what I know so she decided to tell me lies and cover up. I found out she been dividing her attention to several dudes that had intentions of replacing me on her or getting between her legs. Some were her pasts which came back since they did not have enough of her back then.

She was in too deep into the attention she was getting and became what I needed but gave it to the dudes instead. She became too caring to others; I needed that care but to date I never got it. She could express her feelings for them but she had to google how she feels about me. She had me believing lies that she fed me making me think she was waiting for me to come back, while she was pleasing every man that she say they were just flirting. I did not even know she could flirt; she never flirts with me and never did.

My hurt, caused by the fact that she did things I had told her I do not prefer in Our relationship, the fact that she started telling me lies when I asked her to come clean. The day I saw all the evidence in her phone she said I saw what I saw because I wanted to see it, she did not want to come clean but she instead showed me she cares not of how her shady deeds got me feeling and she did not care if it made me stay or leave.

She had changed in all ways; she was a completely different girl driven by the attention she got from dudes wanting to get between her legs. She was ready to end what me and her hand, she drove me to be the one who should end things between us. She started to intentionally ignore me after I had to return to school. I noticed how she did not care of the pain she caused upon me. things got worse as time went, we started talking less as she would go days without responding my calls and texts.

Even after that conflict, she continued seeing other dudes even when she said to refrain from it. My suffer was for caring as much as I did for her. She degraded herself in my eyes, she had shown to value herself less that I had valued her. She was enjoying the company of these other dudes as I was not there. I had told her for me to forgive of her mischievous deeds she needs to come clean about everything about the relations she had with the dudes that she contacted without me knowing.

It sure felt like a betrayal especially after she revealed not just one side of herself which hurt me as I noticed she cared less about me and the relationship we had. She did things needed to grow our relationship with the dudes but failed to apply them in our relationship. She revealed a preferable side to the dudes to maintain whatever relation they had; she put effort in ways that she would surprise one man with her body just to make his day.

All that to please them but with me on the other side things were different, I had to plead for her love, attention, affection, effort, and effective communication. She did not feel bad nor see any wrong doing me wrong and that be why she repeatedly countlessly had me feeling hurt and bad while she is doing her all to show up and please the other dudes. She was so special and precious to me but there is not a special thing we did which she never did with the other dudes, which made it not so special anymore. The quantity was high and the quality depreciated leaving no less value.

With that being so I had summited to fact that she changed into a person that I could not bear to share my whole life with; not after so much damage she had done upon me. Since she was to go to varsity the year that was to follow, I had decided that that is when I would move on from her, but until then I would play along and endure. Things went verso to my plans; we sort of made up by the festive season then went clubbing and drinking together.

Us drinking lead to intoxicated actions and decisions which resulted to her being pregnant. The worst we both never expected; not with her having to just finished her matric and parents having being proud that she got so far without having such "disturbance" as a child. We had confirmed the pregnancy by late Jan and I still remember the day like it was yesterday. I saw her dreams, wishes and goals shatter, it was unbearable and there was not anything I could do. I had unintentionally done a damage that is beyond repair.

She even thought I was doing it as a revenge but I despised of her that I would not wish for her to be mother my child; not with what I was still feeling over her. With all that being; up to this we are still together but things are not amusing nor giving the happy lively energy. Now she says she wants us to work, which I would also like for to happen but "I Am Stuck with The Past in The Future", not that I am Living in the past but I am Living with the past in the present.

This is because I never got the console that I so needed from only her whom had brought about the feelings and emotions I still have to this date which is a year later. All I wanted to ease my healing was clarity for what she did and her motives of doing it. The only place I can get that is from her and I had let her know of this. There been time where I tried and talked to her about this matter. We never conclude it because every time she tells me something new which then raises question of with, she had said the last time. She still makes up stories then say it was for me to get over the matter. Cannot get over the matter that my kindness was took for granted.

She kept telling me she will change; I wonder change from what to what because I do not even know the reason she changed in the first place and that is something I die to know. I do not want to be with her for any sake; I want to be with her knowing her intentions reciprocate mine. I want to be with her if she has the right mentality that I desire in a life partner, I would not try change her. I loved her for who she was but she changed for the worst leaving far more damage in me and our relationship.

I sometimes think she got with me at first having no intentions at all wherein she then became attached as she like the things I did trying to show the love I had for her. I got too giving neglecting the fact that I got less in return. She did not reciprocate the energy and things I did for the relationship I wanted for us. I was too busy trying to show her how I would love for our love relationship to be and all she did was ease the show and go with the flow having less to contribute since I took care of all aspects. She never knew how to reciprocating the energy I was giving thus she is failing to reciprocate it when I give her the platform.

INSPIRED BY BAD

Indeed, time flies, not so long I wasn't aware of how deeply in love I can be. I then found someone I fell. Someone that never tried to change me, but the love I had for them changed my perspectives on some things in life. It was as if I found what I've long been seeking, the feeling was right. It felt right for me that I then wanted to be right to what I have got for what I got.

I was overfilled with more than joy and happiness, I became gentle at heart, soft with touch, smooth with the talk, slick with moves and started to care again about a stranger I fell in love with. This was after I thought I'll never love again. Without her doing anything, with her just being her a spark ignited for her in me and had me feeling like I and Her got to be a Thing as if we're complementary to each other. The more I got used to her the closer I wanted me and her to be. I found her involved but it never got to my mind that they deserve her, I only thought to myself that she must be mine, mine only and even wanted to give in to her. I fought my way to her and fought for me and her to be and finally we became. It was like a wish having to be granted.

After having us become an item I did everything in my capability for us to remain as one, that was as I never wanted to see her seeking elsewhere in my presence. I decided if she needs it and I got it then she's getting it, if she needs it and I can get it for her then that's just what I'm to do. All that I did in hope of absolutely nothing in return, the motive for all I did is named "Love". I couldn't name Love, but I could describe the one I possessed for her, it's of depth deeper than the Ocean and heights higher than the Mountain. I kept the "Love" alive with certain elements; Care, Patience, Loyalty, Trust and mostly Compromise which is above all. With each element to maintain my "Love" for her came a responsibility that I had to take and that which is Commitment.

We met at school; she was in tenth grade, and I was two grades ahead of her. She was still a Virgo intacta, still a teen, not yet eighteen but I treated her as the lady I saw in her; not the young girl everybody saw. Watching her grow was making me also grow and got me enjoying growing with her side by side. But because of school enough time is what we never really had, though we created many memories any time we were together. We did much more in no time that it felt like we been together for so long.

One thing about Me is I am highly terrestrial so if a platter is served in my name let it remain; I don't need anybody in my air space. I didn't want her to wonder who and what I am, so to her I became more transparent with thoughts that we want the same thing. I revealed much of myself to her so that she knows what kind of a soul she's dealing with. I gave things I wanted us to do together; told her words I wanted to hear, showed her what I like to see, made her feel how I wanted to feel and loved her as I wanted her to love me. It was the best feeling after decades of being astray and feeling all lonely. Felt like I finally found someone I belong with, then I stopped with my search for a girl thinking I found a lover, somebody who will love and appreciate me as I am, someone who will be there for me in good and bad, hot, and cold.

With all that I did for her, all that she did for me and all that we did together when we started seeing each other I had thought that she is aware of what a good thing we have and how I appreciate everything we have going between us. I thought she'd see what's good for us being together and what's not. I thought she was going to meet me halfway and consider ways of making our relationship a place to be for the both of us. But had I forgotten of the fact that everyone has what they need and want, thus what I had wanted in our relationship at that time was just not what she wanted too.

I contemplated back that she's with me just because I was more persuasive to be with her. I was wrong to think she is someone she is not and will never be. I had shown her all of me, gave all I could for her and did everything I could for her. Now years later when I went away prior to academia purposes we got asunder and could not be together for some time and she knew why not. She then subliminally served a piece of herself that I would expect from anyone but never from her. The piece she served was not for me, but it was I whom ended up tasting that piece and believe me it was more than awful, nothing was awesome with it.

The piece she served proved her to be unworthy of my trust, showed how careless she can get but mostly it hurt me and as I tried to tell her she the reason I'm hurting she honestly didn't care at that time. She made it seem as if I am pinning things on her thinking, I can't prove of her mischievous deeds that went on behind my back. She would convince me she is innocent and even convince herself of her innocence, but she was as guilty as charged. She made other dudes feel as I needed her to make me feel, it was clear she cared more about them than she ever cared about me at that time.

She gave them everything I never got from her, gave them all I needed from her at the time. She gave them time, expressed how good they make her feel, gave them attention, cared about the relationship they had, told them everything they needed to hear, opened for them and made them feel at home. It was clear she enjoyed it while she was at it, thus tried hiding it from me. The dudes she was busy with knew disrespect with me; one even had the guts to tell me how much he loves mine than his. He revealed more of what went on behind my back than I thought I had known.

Every time I thought of what she did I found myself finding it hard to forgive, not to mention forget what I went through with her being the cause of all of that. When I found out what she's been doing behind my back, she tried to deny it. She didn't show no remorse or regret for her deeds. During that time, she gave me the "You can do whatever you want" attitude, she didn't care to show any signs of care; not about me or the relationship we had. It was as if she's ready to start over with someone else and didn't hesitate about losing me and what we had built.

She showed me that no matter all we been through together, anything can end at any time. She allowed people to get between us, even chose to please them while lying to me of how she's sitting still waiting for me. After I found out what she's been doing I asked her to come clean, she failed to come clean but still expected me to forgive her and heal on my own. She wasn't making healing any easy, she was too busy to even try console me. Keep in mind that I had my hands caught up at the time, but I still had more than enough time trying to fix what she had broken.

It was as if she doesn't see anything nor know me or remember our time together, she was as if she hears no word that I said to her and had me convinced she felt nothing for me at that time. It was clear she had someone occupying the space she had for me; someone who made her enjoy being around them. That someone made her not even realize of my presence. I came to notice only later that she had got more than attached to them. She could find it easy to ignore me, even gave reasons why she's doing that. All she knew was she could get hurt, forgetting how she is the cause of my hurt.

Still "Love" again took over me. Just when I couldn't bear to look at her nor talk to her, just when I thought I never want to hear from her again or have anything to do with her I find myself feeling the same way she made me feel when we started off. I find myself looking forward to us together again and enjoying each other together. I'm not saying I can't live without her but life without her isn't the same. I got to admit I've fallen in too deep for her, like I'm addicted.

Even when she sometimes gets me feeling the worst. I'm open to few people and when I talk to them of how she is to me they advise me I'm better off without her. But still with that so I still can't find it in me to leave her not even when I feel I should let go, not even when she gave the reasons to let go. I still take her as she is, and I can't forget her cruel capabilities. I can't change her; I already changed for her. I don't want to be getting from worse to worst, she not the worst nor the best; I am aware. All there is for me is to remain in my sit to ease the flow, so I enjoy the show. Change is what she keeps as a promise to me. She's saying she learnt and will do better now. That be why I'm still holding on. I believe in her so much thus she always can disappoint me.