The Spectacle (2 of 2)

Absurdity continues to overpower sanity!

          ACT 2, SCENE 1 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (LUCAS and ZOE are in GOVERNMENT HALL, sitting next to one another.)


          LUCAS: Well, Zoe, Cam Quayle has got to give another speech today. Prepare Twitter for damage control.


          ZOE: I prepared a handful of live tweets at four o'clock in the morning after my 30-minute sleep.


          LUCAS: Zoe, you only slept 30 minutes last night?


          ZOE: How much do you sleep?


          LUCAS: About five or six hours a night. How do you function like that?!


          ZOE: Drugs.


          LUCAS: What?


          ZOE: Like, caffeine.


          LUCAS: Right. I'm sure that's what the audience thought when you said "drugs".


          ZOE: Look, Lucas. Between the trial and Cam Quayle's ridiculousness, I'm under a lot of stress.


          LUCAS: Yeah, I'd bet it's real hard to prosecute a guy who didn't do anything using only a witness who actually should be the prime suspect and some weak evidence.


          ZOE: Well, when you put it like that, yeah, it's impossible. You're kind of oversimplifying it though, Lucas.


          LUCAS: I'm aware.


          ZOE: (Adjusting his clothes.) You know, your tie matches very well with your suit, but I think it could be loosened just a tad. Your collar could be a little neater. (Fixing his makeup.) And your foundation isn't blended quite enough. I think you could use some of my lipstick, too... (Puckers lips.)


          LUCAS: Zoe, this is way too much romantic tension for two characters who've had a total of, like, ten lines of dialogue between each other. I appreciate your help, but I think I'll pass on this advance you're making.


          ZOE: (Hangs head.) Aw.


          LUCAS: Even if I were romantically interested in you, how could I be sure your intention with that was genuine and incorrupt?


          ZOE: Does that matter? I'm really pretty!


          LUCAS: Zoe... I didn't say you weren't!


          ZOE: I didn't say you didn't say I wasn't!


          LUCAS: It's just unprofessional-


          ZOE: Shut up! Come here! (She abruptly grabs LUCAS and tries to kiss him, mistakenly thinking he's "flirting".)


          LUCAS: (Pushes ZOE away.) Zoe! I'm not flirting with you! I am legitimately telling you I'm not interested! Stop! Please!... God!


          ZOE: You're such a square, Lucas!


          LUCAS: If a "square" is someone who uses his human right to reject someone he's not interested in, then yes, I am the squarest square of all squares. My four angles are ninety degrees, my sides are all perfectly even, and I accomplish those previous two with no error.


          ZOE: Your intelligence is so... attractive, you know, Lucas?


          LUCAS: Zoe, stop that! Actually! Please! No more! It's really bad! Stop! Stop it! You are not going to "sway" or "persuade" me into dating you or whatever it is you're trying to do, so just stop trying!


          ZOE: I can-


          LUCAS: No you CAN'T, don't even TRY!


          ZOE: You're being mean.


          LUCAS: I'm sorry, OK?! I appreciate you, and I am flattered, but the answer is NO!


          ZOE: I understand.


          (Enter CAM.)


          LUCAS: Here comes one in haste.


          CAM: Hello, Lucas and Zoe! Today is so beautiful today, aren't I unmistaken?


          LUCAS: (Just going along with CAM's idiocy at this point.) Yes, you are unmistaken.


          CAM: Were you two lovebirds making out before I got here?


          ZOE: You bet!


          LUCAS: No! No! NO! False! This is- That is- You're just lying! You are actively lying, Zoe! Like the lawyer you are, you are lying! It's blatantly, without a shadow of a doubt, of your own volition, lying, Zoe!


          CAM: There's no need to be ashamed of it, Lucas. I've known you two have had a thing for each other for a while.


          LUCAS: No, we haven't?! What exposition shown or even NOT shown to the audience has indicated that I like Zoe?! Nothing even indicated that Zoe likes me until literally just this scene!! I am losing my mind! Did I miss something in the script?!


          CAM: You must have, Lucas. It said in my script that you're meant to make out with Zoe when she puckers her lips at you.


          LUCAS: That's terrible writing.


          CAM: Maybe it was a recent edit made with no forethought. Heck if I know. Anyways, I need to begin my speech in a few minutes.


          LUCAS: And thank God for that! Holy... my God... I- I'm just going to hope this doesn't come up again.


          ZOE: Oh, it will.


          LUCAS: (Sarcastically.) Thanks for the reassurance.


          (Enter a crowd of DENVERIANS.)


          (CAM goes up to the podium.)


          CAM: (This is spoken dramatically, not sung.) Good morning, USA. I have a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day. The sun in the sky has a smile on his face. And he's shining a salute to the American race. Oh boy, it's swell to say... "Good morning, USA."


          LUCAS: If what I think has happened... has just happened... it better not have.


          ZOE: What's wrong, honey?


          LUCAS: What do you mean, "What's wrong, honey?", he literally just did a dramatic recitation of the American Dad theme song! In front of all of Denver!


         ZOE: You're such a nerd. No one's going to notice, babe.


         LUCAS: For one, please stop calling me pet names. We're not a "thing"! For two, American Dad is watched by hundreds of thousands of people every day, I think it's plausible that at LEAST one is going to recognize what just happened.


         ZOE: I wouldn't worry about it.


         DENVERIAN #1: Is there any reason you just did a spoken word recitation of the American Dad theme, or are you just so incredibly stupid that you somehow managed to subconsciously use that as an opening for a speech to us in Denver?


         CAM: I'm an American dad. Edie and I have one son. He's named Geoff. Is that what you were asking?


         DENVERIAN #1: Not at all, governor. Just- just forget it.


         DENVERIAN #2: I don't want to vote for you again! I think I'd rather vote for one of those heads of the scandal via write-in than to vote for your idiocy ever again!


         CAM: Well, that wasn't very nice. I'm glad that the rest of Denver doesn't think like that distressed citizen.


         DENVERIAN #3: We do!


         DENVERIAN #4: Yeah, you're terrible!


         CAM: Uh-oh. Hey guys, why don't we all just get along?


         DENVERIAN #1: Why don't you get a brain? Then maybe we'll vote for you! Seven more people have been murdered! Are you aware of this?


         CAM: No. I am not aware of anything.


         LUCAS: Cameron Fred Quayle! You can't-!


         DENVERIAN #2: He's a lost cause! A lost cause, I tell you!


         DENVERIAN #3: Oh, the indignity!


         CAM: I'm sure there's an actionable solution to all this-!


         DENVERIAN #4: Hey! I got an actionable solution for you! (Throws a tomato at CAM.)


         (This begins a mass tomato throwing at CAM.)


         (CAM is covered in tomatoes in a matter of seconds. He begins to cry.)


         CAM: (Covering his eyes crying.) You're making me really sad, Colorado!


         ZOE: This is really bad.


         LUCAS: (Laying the sarcasm on thick.) Genius, Zoe! How'd you ever come to such a measured conclusion? Was this a highly intelligent inference made through diligent, strenuous tests and trials, "Dr. Greeley"? Did- Did you have a diversely chosen tenured research team to find this out? Did-


         ZOE: You're being toxic!


         LUCAS: Don't care! (To CAM.) Come on, Cam! (He guides CAM off the stage.) (To DENVERIANS.) This behavior will be tolerated no longer. (Exit LUCAS.)


         (The DENVERIANS become silent and abruptly stop throwing tomatoes.)


         ZOE: (To self.) I think I've got to lighten the mood a little. (To DENVERIANS.) So, what's with the airline food, amirite?


         (Silence.)


         ZOE: The... airline food. My Lord, does it taste bad! Isn't that right, Denver?


         (The DENVERIANS resume incessantly throwing tomatoes, this time at ZOE instead.)






          ACT 2, SCENE 2 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (SETTING: CAM and EDIE'S house. It looks extremely similar to ORSON's.)


          EDIE: (Sitting on her sofa, watching TV.) Oh, Cameron... he's got a good heart. It's too bad that he's publicly humiliated for being himself. He never deserved those tomatoes. Denver is a city of rotten urbanites, I tell you what. Bless Cam's heart.


          (There is knock at EDIE's door.)


          (EDIE answers the door.)


          CAIN: Hello, Mrs. Quayle!


          EDIE: Mr. St. John?


          CAIN: That is I.


          EDIE: Aren't you a primary suspect for the murders of-


          CAIN: Shhhhh... I'm not sure why, but I think THEY are actively working against me.


          EDIE: Excuse me, "THEY"?


          CAIN: Correct, Edith.


          EDIE: What is this "THEY" doing?


          CAIN: THEY are multitudinous, so refer to the THEY plurally, please.


          EDIE: All right, what are these THEY doing?


          CAIN: THEY are actively working against me, I think.


          EDIE: You've said this. Please explain.


          CAIN: OK, so the THEY usually only guide me to murder people, which, y'know, that's fine-


          EDIE: No, it's not, but continue, please.


          CAIN: Anyways, THEY usually only direct me to kill, but now THEY are going out of their way to make me feel ashamed of myself for my actions. THEY told me to confess to someone. There was more force in what THEY were telling me this time. I usually only listen to the THEY of my own volition. That's why I went to you. THEY have mandated me to confide in you.


          EDIE: Are you sure THEY are not just currently acting a stand-in for your conscience telling you that what you are doing is wrong?


          CAIN: What? No! Silly!


          EDIE: Well, you seem stressed. Would you like some cookies?


          CAIN: (Charges at EDIE.) You so much as put your hand near that phone, and you will know my wrath.


          EDIE: (Terrified.) Should I... should I call the police?


          CAIN: What?! I literally just- No! Do not call the police! What did I literally just say?


          EDIE: If I so much as put your hand near that phone, I will know your wrath?


          CAIN: Yes! Holy God!


          EDIE: I can still make those cookies for you, sweetie.


          CAIN: Thank you.


          (Enter CAM covered in tomatoes.)


          CAM: Honey, I'm home- (He sees CAIN and looks at him with a stare of death.)


          EDIE: Welcome, Signior. You are almost come to part almost a fray.


          CAIN: What's wrong, Cam?


          CAM: (Stern. Cold.) What did you do?


          CAIN: It matters not.


          (CAIN tries to flee, but to no avail. CAM grabs him by the collar.)


          CAM: You so much as be in a six-foot vicinity of my wife, and you will know my wrath.


          CAIN: Well-played.


          CAM: What do you mean?


          CAIN: I said something pretty similar to that to your wife, like, a few lines ago.


          CAM: (Lets go out of sheer surprise.) You WHAT?!


          CAIN: Gotta blast! (He exits with haste.)


          CAM: Are you OK, Edie? Did he hurt you?


          EDIE: He sure threatened to. Thank you, Cam dear. That was really brave.


          CAM: You're my wife, Edie. Cain is simply a coward. The power of love trumps any supernatural power.


          EDIE: (Smiles. She puts her arm around CAM and puts a hand on his chest.) If only you spoke like that at your speeches.


          CAM: (Slowly.) Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.


          (EDIE giggles.)






          ACT 2, SCENE 3


          (SETTING: COPR is meeting again in GOVERNMENT HALL.)


          FERRELL: Look, all I'm saying is, Taylor Swift is an objectively bad artist.


          ROWAN: Ferrell, what, pray tell, are you talking about?


          LIONEL: I don't necessarily disagree with you, Ferrell, but I don't think that that has anything to do with the socioeconomic and political climate of the United States.


          FERRELL: Well, just think about it: if Taylor Swift were out of the picture, partisan divide would be all but an idea you read about online.


          LIONEL: I like where your head's at.


          MICHAELA: I don't. (To ROWAN.) Is there anything new about Orson? Has he been found innocent?


          ROWAN: Not yet. We haven't quite gotten to that part of the play yet.


          MICHAELA: Ah. Got it. When does that part come up?


          ROWAN: Later.


          FERRELL: Whenever Rowan learns what a fourth wall is.


          ROWAN: Ferrell, please respect your Acting President.


          FERRELL: (Mocking ROWAN.) Ferrell, please respect your Acting President.


          MICHAELA: I motion to have Ferrell removed.


          ROWAN: I second the motion.


          FERRELL: I say nay to the motion!


          LIONEL: I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth right now, but... I'm gonna go with Ferrell on this one. I say nay to the motion.


          ROWAN: Damn, a tie! Whatever will we do?


          (Enter ORSON.)


          ORSON: I object! No, wait. This isn't the wedding.


          FERRELL: No, but you did save me from being removed.


          ORSON: (Sarcastically.) Great. (Genuine.) Anyways, I've been acquitted!


          ROWAN: Is't true? Sits the wind in that corner? Do my eyes deceive me?!


          ORSON: I am here, Rowan. As you live and breathe.


          ROWAN: Oh, yay!


          MICHAELA: Hey, Rowan?


          ROWAN: Yes?


          MICHAELA: Did we get to the part of the play where Orson is found not guilty?


          ROWAN: Michaela, he literally just said he was acquitted.


          MICHAELA: Oh yeah, right...


          LIONEL: I'm just happy Orson wasn't hanged.


          ROWAN: I'm not sure that we hang people anymore, Lionel, but the sentiment is mutual.


          ORSON: I too am glad I wasn't hanged, Lionel. And I appreciate your concern. I appreciate all of you, in fact. And I'm glad to be back. Now let's get down to business.


          ROWAN: (Soldierly.) Yes, Mr. President Wilder, sir!


          ORSON: (Sits down.) OK, so as it's been made clear through his manifesto, Cain plans to murder Cam Quayle. We've got to stop Cain from doing that.


          MICHAELA: That should be obvious. HOW we're going to stop him, however, remains a mystery.


          ORSON: Correct, Michaela! Which is why I've got a plan. (He gets out a poster with "THE HOW" written in big letters.) We need to find evidence of all the crimes Cain has committed in order to show to some other, non-Colorado state that Cain bribed law enforcement with laundered money. Now, Cain, as I know him, is an idiot. Not only does he not vote, but he's probably left all kinds of unsubtle clues for us. We are tasked with finding those clues to ensure we can get him in jail as long as possible so he can hurt no more people. Are we all in agreement that this is the best course of action?


          LIONEL: Sounds good to me.


          MICHAELA: I have no objections to this plan.


          ROWAN: To this plan, I say "yea".


          FERRELL: I would be the contrarian and say "nay", but I kind of don't want to be murdered, so I'm gonna have to say "yea" on this one.


          ORSON: That was both the most selfish and most selfless thing you've ever done.


          FERRELL: Thank you, Mr. Wilder.


          MICHAELA: We've really got to stop this Cain guy.


          LIONEL: Yeah, we should probably stop all this "talking" and get to "doing".


          ROWAN: Orson, don't you think we should improve the plan a little before going into this head-first?


          ORSON: Striving to better, oft we mar what's well.


          ROWAN: Fair.






          ACT 2, SCENE 4 (by Mason Shafer)


          (SETTING: SCHUYLER's house. LUCAS and SCHUYLER are discussing the recent tomato incident. ZOE is there to morally support LUCAS.)


          LUCAS: Schuyler, I just have no idea how the people of Denver can so highly dislike a man they voted for of their own volition.


          SCHUYLER: To be fair, Quayle was only voted in because the two top contenders for the position of governor were revealed to be the heads of a very disgusting scandal.


          LUCAS: True.


          SCHUYLER: And furthermore, it is the right of the People to protest against the person they voted for if that person proves to be disagreeable.


          LUCAS: Yes, but tomatoes?!


          SCHUYLER: Yes, even tomatoes. Well, except for the fact that what those people did to Quayle is likely at least a misdemeanor offense.


          ZOE: Yeah, after those tomatoes were thrown at me, I had to get that crowd to go home with some special help from law enforcement.


          LUCAS: Ha. "Law enforcement". All but a distant memory, now. It used to be that if you committed a murder blatantly, a "not guilty" plea would get you nowhere. Now it seems if you commit a murder in cold blood, with enough money and special interest investments from the right people, you can get away with anything.


          (A picture of OJ Simpson does a fade transition onto SCHUYLER's screen as LUCAS says this speech.)


          ZOE: (Cuddles LUCAS, who is sitting on the couch.) Could you keep telling me bedtime stories, Lucas?


          LUCAS: Zoe, I appreciate your attempt to stick to the script, and I'm fine with you being there because you are warm, but please, for the love of God, do not think we are a "thing" because I am allowing this.


          ZOE: (Holds LUCAS's hand.) Whatever you say, Lucas.


          LUCAS: Anyways, how ever am I going to get Cam Quayle to win the election?!


          ZOE: With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, not with love.


          LUCAS: What?


          SCHUYLER: Use the anger, the suffering of the people to win them over instead of appealing to their nonexistent "love" for Quayle.


          LUCAS: That sounds like fearmongering.


          SCHUYLER: It won't be fearmongering if you change the term. How about you call it... um...


          ZOE: How about "suffer love"?


          LUCAS: Suffer love! A good epithet! I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will.


          ZOE: So, you do love me?


          LUCAS: The answer is inconclusive.


          ZOE: C'mon, Lucas! You know you do! Find it in your heart!


          LUCAS: (Face palm. Defeated.) This play is so stupid.






          ACT 2, SCENE 5 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (SETTING: GOVERNMENT HALL. It is late at night, as an audience member can gather from the sound of crickets and owls. Enter CAM.)


          CAM: (CAM goes up to the podium and begins rehearsing a speech.) Hello, people. (Deep voice.) Hello, people. (High voice.) Hello, people. (Southern accent.) Howdy, pardners, folks, and patriots alike! (Cockney accent.) 'Ello gov'na! (Regular voice.) No wait, I'M the governor. Man. Uhhh... How 'bout them Broncos, huh?! Yeah! I LOVE football! (Beat.) What am I talking about?! If only I could just... speak normally! Like a normal person! Wouldn't that be nice?! (Beat.) Maybe I'll just try being myself... Ahem. Hey, America. What's up? You guys got problems? I have the solve. The- the solution. The solution to you guys's problems, that is. Oftentimes, I may or may not say the wrong things, but life is such. Other times often, I may or may not say the complete opposite of what may or may not be the right thing. But I digress. America, my speech impairments or problems I outwardly have speaking do not constitute the constitution of the United States (Catching himself.) - wait, no - they do not constitute my incompetence as Governor of the beautiful state of Colorado. And whether or not you guys want to vote for me, the decision is up to you, not myself. If it were myself- (Catching himself.) no, no. I mean just think about the events that happened during World War II. It was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. Oh, I've done it again, haven't I? Well, it's a good thing I'm just rehearsing and only did that in front of the live audience and not directly to the people of Denver.


          (Lights turn on. CAM has actually been, without LUCAS and ZOE, talking to the people of Denver alone this entire time thinking he was just rehearsing. It is not night time, but rather midday. Enter LUCAS.)


          LUCAS: Cam! Cam! What are you doing?! Wake up! Have you lost your mind?! Where are you?! Mentally?! You've been driveling on for almost ten minutes! Stop that! Come back!


          CAM: I'm right here, Lucas.


          LUCAS: Cam! Oh thank God! I thought you'd never get out of whatever trance you were just in!


          CAM: What trance?


          LUCAS: The one you had just seconds ago!


          CAM: What?


          LUCAS: Did you think you were rehearsing?!


          CAM: It was late at night just a minute ago. Who are all these people?


          LUCAS: The people of Denver! What's happened?!


          (Enter ORSON.)


          ORSON: I can answer that.


          LUCAS: Orson!


          ORSON: It's Cain. He's manipulating our minds! The more weak the mind, the easier it is to control!


          CAM: I shouldn't have been able to be controlled at all, then!


          (LUCAS gives CAM the stare of death.)


          LUCAS: Are you sure?


          CAM: As sure as the American people!


          (Enter Zoe.)


          ZOE: Lucas, I've come to tell you that our love... it's true! It was predestined in The Prophecy - trademark - which goes back as far as... a really long time!


          LUCAS: How long?


          ZOE: Five minutes ago!


          LUCAS: And you wrote it, I presume?


          ZOE: No, it was written by Cain St. John!


          LUCAS: Why would you trust anything that guy says?!


          ZOE: It's good for plot progression!


          LUCAS: No, we need to STOP him!


          ORSON: COPR literally just went over its plan to stop Cain a couple scenes ago. Get with the program, Zoe.


          ZOE: Shut up, Orson! You don't understand our LOVE!


          LUCAS: Your one-sided, unexplained, borderline nonsensical love for me?


          ZOE: You don't understand either, Lucas!


          LUCAS: Yes I do! Loud and clear! I am of sound thought and mind!


          CAM: As am I!


          LUCAS: No! No the frick you are not!


          ZOE: I love you, Lucas!


          LUCAS: You know what? Fine! (LUCAS gives ZOE a huge smooch on the lips.) There! Are you happy?! (ZOE is silent.) Yeah, there's a- there's a curveball you weren't expecting!


          ZOE: I- I'm not sure what to say.


          LUCAS: Zoe, I hope you know that I did not enjoy that in the slightest.


          ZOE: I'm sorry, Lucas.


          CAM: You can't be sorry! You're not even real!


          LUCAS: (To ZOE.) You do realize I just kissed you in front of a significant percentage of Denver, correct?


          ZOE: I am aware.


          DENVERIAN #1: Hey, you two PR people! Get a room!


          LUCAS: You don't understand our LOVE!


          ZOE: Now you get it.


          LUCAS: Yep. I'm not sure how I just got it, but now I get it.


          CAM: Lucas, maybe you and Schuyler aren't so dissimilar.


          LUCAS: (Warning CAM.) Watch it.


          CAM: What?! You know how you were taking what Zoe was saying too seriously! I'm sure Schuyler would do the same since...


          LUCAS: Since he has autism? Great detective work, Dr. Genius.


          CAM: I'm sorry.


          LUCAS: You can't be sorry! You're not even real!


          (CAM looks at LUCAS offendedly.)


          LUCAS (cont'd): Your words!






          ACT 2, SCENE 6
          (SETTING: ORSON's house. No one is onstage.)


          (Enter ORSON.)


          ORSON: No one wants this. No one wants the ridiculousness to end. At least not entirely. (Beat.) Cain... It's all Cain. I think even Lucas is giving into the stupidity a little. (Sits down.) I mean, who wouldn't? In a world where so many are being murdered and no one who should be doing something about it is doing anything about it, why should anyone stay sane? Well, I guess once Cain comes to decide it's my time to be slain, I will know that I died trying, not sitting doing nothing like a bureaucrat. Ha. Over-bureaucratizing systems. What a sad excuse for governance. To make a system slower does not necessarily make it any more thorough. A rational person should understand that nuance. But alas, rationality and nuance are but a distant memory and have since been replaced by the ridiculous and absurd.


          (Enter CAIN.)


          CAIN: Hey, Orson! How was your day?


          ORSON: Cut the act, Cain.


          CAIN: I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about, brother.


          ORSON: Your words are meaningless to me. If you intend to kill someone, I beg you to not ask for my help.


          CAIN: I needn't your help, Orson! I'm doing just fine without it! What makes you think I've become homicidal?


          ORSON: Hmm. Let's think about that one. Perhaps your many acts of homicide.


          CAIN: Who have I killed?


          ORSON: Guy Person and ten other people, as I recall.


          CAIN: You recall wrong.


          ORSON: No, you killed those people, Cain!-


          CAIN: It is in the triple digits now.


          ORSON: Cain, you can't just deny- Wait, what did you just say?


          CAIN: 249 people. THEY have directed me to kill 249 people. I can lie no longer, brother.


          ORSON: (Terrified.) Cain! You...! You lie! Tell me this is another lie!


          CAIN: THEY have ruled that the 250th person must be someone very important.


          ORSON: Cain, you do this of your own volition, correct?!


          CAIN: My own volition? That which is done of the volition of the THEY is done of the volition of the ME.


          ORSON: What?!


          CAIN: There is no "us". There is no "them". I now realize that the only thing that's important is ME. I am the autarch of chaos. I am the singular overlord in an otherwise anarchic world.


          ORSON: You speak this to fetch me in, Cain!


          CAIN: Your worst fears are now revealed to be true, brother. I am the indiscriminate murderer. THEY were made-up. It was ME all along. I can manipulate any weak mind I desire. I can kill whoever I desire. I am whatever I desire. And I desire to be the assassin of one Cameron Quayle.


          ORSON: Then you are too dangerous to be left alive!


          CAIN: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.


          ORSON: There's no way in heaven or on Earth that you are actually going to go through with this, right?


         (Enter LUCAS.)


         LUCAS: Oh my God! Cain! I'm calling the cops.


         ORSON: Don't do that, Lucas!


         LUCAS: No time for absurdity or silliness, Orson! Let's get this crook locked up! (Gets out his cell phone.) 9... 1...


         (CAIN shoots LUCAS in the stomach.)


         (LUCAS falls to the ground.)


         (He immediately drops to the floor after grabbing his wound. The wound is red, but there's not a whole bunch of blood or anything, even though there realistically should be.)


         ORSON: Lucas! No!


         CAIN: You know I had to.


         ORSON: This is ridiculous! You can't just shoot everyone! Why didn't you just manipulate him to run off?!


         CAIN: Lucas's mind is too strong to manipulate. So this is what had to be done.


         ORSON: OK, but the police wouldn't even likely do anything since you've bribed them!


         CAIN: Insert lousy excuse here.


         (ZOE quietly approaches behind CAIN with a shovel.)


         CAIN (cont'd): You know, you mere idiots don't know the power of chaos. Once there are no more rules, you can rule all those who follow rules like good little children. It's too bad that you idiots can't do anything about me-


         (ZOE hits CAIN upside the head with the shovel. CAIN falls to the ground. ZOE drops the shovel.)


         ORSON: Good work, Zoe!


         ZOE: Is Lucas OK?


         LUCAS: (Barely able to speak.) What do YOU think?


         ZOE: Oh Lucas dear, you look terrible! That suit is ruined!


         LUCAS: Thanks for noticing!


         ORSON: You'd have to be blind not to notice how terrible you look right now, Lucas.


         LUCAS: (Sarcastic.) I appreciate the sentiment. (To ZOE. Genuine.) Thanks for saving me though, Zoe!


         ZOE: Yeah, yeah... there's one issue, though.


         ORSON: Uh-oh.


         LUCAS: (Still barely able to speak.) Are we serious right now?


         ZOE: I... didn't do that of my own volition, really.


         ORSON: What? Zoe, you're smart!


         ZOE: Cain must be understating the true nature of his power.


         ORSON: Small wonder.


         LUCAS: Would you guys mind taking me to the hospital? I think I could die pretty soon here.


         ORSON: It's no problem, Lucas.






         ACT 2, SCENE 7


         (ORSON and ZOE are in the HOSPITAL, which looks suspiciously like GOVERNMENT HALL.)


         ZOE: So, how's Lucas? Is he OK?


         ORSON: Yeah, the doctors said his plot armor is much too strong to really die, so he'll be fine.


         ZOE: That's good to hear.


         (Enter CAM.)


         CAM: Hello.


         ZOE: Hey Cam. Your tie looks nice. Are you wondering what's happened to Lucas?


         CAM: Thanks, Zoe. And I think that's why I'm here, yes.


         ZOE: Well... Lucas is fine, even though he was shot.


         CAM: That's good.


         ZOE: So, Cam, how was the rest of your speech?


         (CAM says nothing and ignores ZOE as if she didn't say anything.)


         ZOE (cont'd): Good talk.


         ORSON: You do realize, Cam, that Cain intends to kill you and actually has intended to since, like, Act 1, right, Cam?


         CAM: I've just pretended that it's not an issue. The more I tell myself it won't happen, the more likely that it is that it won't happen.


         ORSON: Cameron, you are an idiot.


         CAM: No! I vote!


         (Enter LUCAS.)


         LUCAS: All right, let's roll.


         ORSON: Where's your gunshot wound?!


         LUCAS: All better.


         ORSON: I guess you are a main character.


         LUCAS: Yeah, it just kind of makes sense.


         CAM: Unlike this play.


         LUCAS: True.






         ACT 3, SCENE 1


         (SETTING: GOVERNMENT HALL. Enter GEORDIE.)


         GEORDIE: My word, where is that guy?! He said he'd be here no later than 4:00!


         (Enter CAIN.)


         CAIN: Hello, Geordie. I need your help.


         GEORDIE: Oh, it's YOU. I should've known by your name, I guess.


         CAIN: It isn't a very common name.


         GEORDIE: Digression aside, what do you need?


         CAIN: I need you to defend me in court. I may or may not be guilty of a couple hundred murders... give or take.


         GEORDIE: I don't think, in good conscience, that I can help you with that.


         CAIN: (Gets out a suitcase and opens it.) 20 million dollars. You get this for being my defense attorney, no matter if you win or lose.


         GEORDIE: I think, in good conscience, that I can help you with that.


         (GEORDIE takes the suitcase and runs.)


         CAIN: (To the audience.) I hope he enjoys the laundered money.




         ACT 3, SCENE 2


         (SETTING: SCHUYLER's house. LUCAS is there, too.)


         LUCAS: I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates- no, wait, wrong speech.


         SCHUYLER: Take your time.


         LUCAS: I wonder why Cain wants to kill Cam in the first place.


         SCHUYLER: Only a fool tries to find reason in actions guided by delusion.


         LUCAS: Then I have been a fool this whole play.


         SCHUYLER: (Dramatically.) True, O God!


         LUCAS: Ha ha!






         ACT 3, SCENE 3


         (GOVERNMENT HALL. Enter CAM.)


         CAM: Hey, Denver! Good to see you again! Any questions?


         DENVERIAN #1: What would you say about the murderer Cain St. John?!


         CAM: He is a stupid person. Stupid people are harbingers of that which is unintelligent.


         DENVERIAN #2: What about his manifesto in Latin?!


         CAM: It's in Latin, not American. I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.


         DENVERIAN #2: Could you get to the point?!


         CAM: Well, his manifesto says a lot. Those who say a lot say a lot more than those who may not say anything at all.


         DENVERIAN #3: Why can't you speak, Mr. Quayle?! Why do you make so many misstatements?!


         CAM: I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. I have never misstated so badly to deserve to be mistreated so badly. I must be mistreated much better. Or not at all, for that matter.


         DENVERIAN #4: How do you feel about the fact that you're probably going to lose this election?!


         CAM: To lose is a loss of that which oftentimes we'd have otherwise. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.


         DENVERIAN #1: (Sarcastic.) Brilliant, Mr. Quayle!


         CAM: (Taking it seriously.) Thank you, kind man!


         DENVERIAN #2: Hey, Quayle! What do you think of using too many words to say simple things? As a politician, you've encountered that, I'm sure!


         CAM: Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.


         DENVERIAN #2: So, you often speak unclearly and inarticulately?


         CAM: No! Not true! Opposite of true! False, in fact!


         DENVERIAN #3: What will you do if we DO elect you, sir?


         CAM: I will do what I've been doing, hopefully better.


         DENVERIAN #3: And what exactly does that entail?


         CAM: I will... um... (Gets an idea.) Get that murderer Cain St. John in prison! Suffering will be no longer in this beautiful city of Denver!


         DENVERIAN #4: How, pray tell, do you plan to do that?


         CAM: With a little help from my friends.






         ACT 3, SCENE 4


         (SETTING: The COURTROOM. JOHN LOUISON is looking at the case.)


         (Enter GEORDIE.)


         JOHN: This case is... stupid. Cain St. John has obviously committed these murders. He may have a lawyer, but we shouldn't even have a trial for this. The evidence against him is... damning, Mr. McGeorge.


         (ENTER ZOE.)


         GEORDIE: I get that Your Honor, but there might be something you're missing.


         ZOE: And what could that possibly be?


         GEORDIE: THEY aren't real.


         JOHN: Tell me something I don't know.


         GEORDIE: He has publicly stated this now.


         JOHN: How does this help your case?


         GEORDIE: Simply put, he's insane, Your Honor.


         JOHN: As a police detective, Cain should more than know that murder is wrong. Cops have to know right from wrong.


         GEORDIE: Are... are you sure about that? Have you ever WATCHED the news?


         JOHN: Geordie, I'm not arguing this. This will not be going to trial.


         GEORDIE: Ugh, fine. But mark my words, Your Honor, Mr. Louison. Good luck getting him contained, though.


         JOHN: The American justice system will be more than sufficient for hunting down this monster.


         ZOE: Aaaaaaand, he's escaped Colorado.


         JOHN: The American justice system will not be sufficient for hunting down this monster.






         ACT 3, SCENE 5


         (SETTING: GOVERNMENT HALL. Enter CAM and LUCAS.)


         LUCAS: How are you, Cameron?


         CAM: How am I Cameron? I'm not sure, my parents just named me that.


         LUCAS: No, Cam, how are you right now?


         CAM: I'm not right now. I'm Cam!


         LUCAS: Cam.


         CAM: What?


         LUCAS: You've got to "lock in," so to speak. If you go on thus, you will die!


         CAM: What?


         LUCAS: You are Cain's next "subject"! He plans to kill you!
         
         CAM: I don't remember that.


         LUCAS: It's been a major plot point since, like, Act 1!


         CAM: Oh. Oh no!


         LUCAS: Yes, Cam! "Oh no!" You are going to be murdered! He's manipulated your mind! He's manipulated Zoe's to knock himself out... for some reason! And now? Now? He's escaped Colorado!


         CAM: Where is he going?


         LUCAS: South, I think!


         CAM: Interesting.


         LUCAS: (Terrified.) Why interesting, Cam? Should I be scared?


         CAM: Well, I have to be on my way to Dallas in an hour. Which is southward. I'm taking a road trip with my wife Edie. My driver's expecting my wife and I!


         LUCAS: (Flat.) What?


         CAM: It'll be great! My wife and I got a great deal on this classic car!


         LUCAS: Let me guess: It's a black 1961-?


         CAM: It's a black 1961 Lincoln Continental convertible limousine.


         LUCAS: That's a 12-hour drive. In a vintage car. And you're going to Dallas.


         CAM: The driver's going to Dealey Plaza!


         LUCAS: What?!


         CAM: That's the planned route.


         LUCAS: Cam, this is a terrible idea!


         CAM: Nothing bad can happen. It could only good happen. It'll be good for my campaign!


         LUCAS: There will be no campaign if you're dead!


         CAM: Fear not! I will be wearing a bulletproof vest!


         LUCAS: That won't protect your... your head...


         CAM: It'll be mindblowing to the American public!


         LUCAS: Stop! Stop talking!


         CAM: I just can't wait to get my headshot in Dallas!


         LUCAS: Your. What.


         CAM: My headshot! You know, a guy's gonna take my picture after the cruise!


         LUCAS: Cam, this. Is. A. Terrible idea.


         CAM: You know Lucas, you just gotta shoot your shot sometimes. And this shot is being shot for the people of America. I am not throwing away my shot.


         LUCAS: Cam, do you know what you're doing? And what it sounds like?


         CAM: No.


         LUCAS: Thought so.






         ACT 3, SCENE 6


         (SETTING: Dallas, TX. The people of Dallas are there. CAM is in his 1961 Lincoln with EDIE. The DRIVER (he's named "Mr. Greer") is also present, and is driving the convertible. Enter a very nervous LUCAS.)


         CAM: Look, Mr. Greer! It's my friend Lucas.


         DRIVER: Yep.


         LUCAS: (To himself.) This can only go bad.


         EDIE: Oh, I'm just so excited!


         CAM: I know, right? I can hardly contain myself! Shoot me if I'm wrong, but this might just win me the Colorado election!


         LUCAS: (To himself.) This is it. I am going to watch Cam Quayle die today, aren't I?


         DRIVER: Here we are.


         CAM: Dollar General.


         DRIVER: No. This is Dealey Plaza.


         CAM: (Waving.) Hey, Dallas!


         EDIE: Oh, it's just so great to be here.


         LUCAS: (To himself.) Edie would never be doing this. Cain must be manipulating her mind. This could be worse than I once thought.


         (Enter CAIN. You can see him through a window of a building. You know what he has.)


         LUCAS: (Checks the window.) Oh. My. God. The exact. Same. Window. Are we serious right now?


         DRIVER: All right, I've got to make a left turn now-


         (BANG. CAM's head drops. Miraculously, he lifts his head, but his hand is covering something.)


         (DALLAS people scream.)


         CAM: Edie.


         EDIE: Yes.


         CAM: (Reveals a bullet wound on his head. It's not grotesque or anything.) Is this bad?


         EDIE: I believe so.


         CAM: Yeah, that's what I thought.


         EDIE: We should probably go to the hospital later.


         LUCAS: (Flat.) Are you kidding me?


         CAIN: (Way too loud.) Impossible! He was supposed to die.


         (DALLAS people gasp.)






         ACT 3, SCENE 7


         (SETTING: The hospital. LUCAS, ZOE, EDIE, and CAIN are there. Enter DOCTOR.)


         DR: Yeah, he'll be fine.


         LUCAS: What? How?! Is the reason meta?


         DR: No. We examined his head and... it's just too dense.


         EDIE: Excuse me, too dense?


         DR: Too dense to be hurt by a bullet.


         CAIN: Phew. I thought I was in trouble for a second there.


         DR: Oh, you still are. The police only are letting you stay here at the moment "for kicks and giggles".


         (Enter CAM.)


         CAM: You know, I learned something today. It doesn't matter what happens today. Just tomorrow. What you do now can always be done later. If you give up for a little while, it's OK. So we should all give up. It's the most American thing we can do.


         DR: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. He might not be the same as he was. He seems to speak in only saccharine tautology now.


         LUCAS: That's- that's pretty much how he was before. It should be fine.


         ZOE: Believe me, he's been through worse. Though he might need to shave his head bald or hide that part of his head for a while.


         CAM: Baldness is peacefulness. Peacefulness is America. Hair is fine, too. I like my hair.


         EDIE: Oh, Cam...


         (Exit CAIN.)


         CAM: I wonder where that gentleman is going.


         DR: He's going nowhere, don't you worry, Governor Quayle.


         CAM: False. His feet are moving.


         LUCAS: That's your attempted assassin, Cam!


         CAM: Oh. Right. Sorry.


         LUCAS: Zoe...


         ZOE: I answer to that name. What is your will?


         LUCAS: Do not you love me?


         ZOE: Why no, no more than reason.


         LUCAS: Well then, Cam and all of Denver have been deceived. They swore you did!


         ZOE: Do not you love ME?


         LUCAS: Troth, no, no more than reason.


         ZOE: Why then the people of Denver and my whole family are much deceived, for they swear you did!


         LUCAS: They swore that you were almost sick for me.


          ZOE: They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me.


          LUCAS: 'Tis no such matter. Then you do not love me?
         
          ZOE: No, truly, but in friendly recompense.


         CAM: Come, Zoe, I am sure you love the gentleman.


          DR: And I'll be sworn upon 't that he loves her, for here's a paper written in his hand, a halting sonnet of his own pure brain, fashioned to Beatrice.


          LUCAS: I... I did not write that.


          DR: Oh.


          LUCAS: Yeah.


          ZOE: Anyways, we're getting married next week.


          LUCAS: OK.


          (Enter ORSON.)


          ORSON: It's true! It's true! Cain is rallying in Denver!


          (Enter ROWAN.)


          ROWAN: This is evidenced by a live broadcast! It's on Youtube right now.


          CAM: Are we in Denver or Dallas? Where is this hospital?


          LUCAS: Uhhh... (Gets out the script.) We are currently in Denver. You were lifeflighted here, Cam. Zoe, Edie, and I took a flight to get here. I... I'm not sure why we're not still in Dallas.


          CAM: Plot convenience!


          LUCAS: Right.


          (Enter LIONEL.)


          LIONEL: Cam! Cam! It was the CIA, Cam! It was the CIA!


          CAM: No, it was Cain who shot me. As I recall, anyway.


          LIONEL: Oh.


          ORSON: We should probably go to Government Hall.


          CAM: True.






          ACT 3, SCENE 8


          (SETTING: CAIN is speaking to the people of DENVER.)


          CAIN: The ME will decide what the WE want!


          (Enter CAM.)


          CAM: Not if I have anything to say about it! And I do!


          CAIN: What? You only say stupid stuff.


          DENVERIAN #1: He just won the election, though!


          CAM: I did?


          DENVERIAN #2: Yes! Somehow!


          CAM: Awesome! (To audience.) An assassination attempt sure helps you in an election!


          CAIN: So, pray tell, what are you going to say that's going to maintain your prestige?!


          CAM: Listen. (To DENVER.) It is the opinion of one or more men whether the subjective quality of that which I say is poor or well-said. Otherwise, I think it may or may not be better left unsaid if it's not to be liked or said by You or We, the People. I may or may not mistake a misstatement for a true one if misunderstanding makes me misinterpret that which is false as true, if I am unmistaken, that is.


          DENVERIAN #4: Brilliant!


          (Enter LUCAS.)


          LUCAS: Cam, you won?!


          CAM: (Still to DENVER.) Denver, let's all be friends who love each other always. To not love is to not be a friend. Friends must love. A true American patriot knows that. There's no need to fight. It'll all be over soon, so a constant state of stress and misery runs the risk of the inevitable: sadness. And I want to be happy. So let's be happy friends. Happy friends who love each other always.


          (ALL cheer.)


          CAIN: This town is so lame!


          CAM: What?


          CAIN: Everyone in Denver is happy now. It's too lame for me, personally. I don't get why you people aren't scared! Don't you know there's war and poverty out there?! And you choose to ignore it for bliss?! What kind of laissez-faire lie is that to live?! Listen, I know I tried to kill Quayle, but it was the volition of the ME that told me to, you hear? So I chose to. It made sense at the time since I kind of think Cameron Quayle is pretty annoying. And stupid. And weird. Anyway, the ME is now insisting that I go home. Where is home, you may ask? I'm not sure. It is wherever the ME tells myself to go. So if you all excuse me, I've got a hot date!: Myself! (CAIN goes offstage and sits in an arbitrary seat in the audience.)


          CAM: What now?


          LUCAS: I don't know. I mean, are- are there any conflicts around?


          CAM: No.


          LUCAS: Good, that's good.


          GUY: (Comes out from under the ground.) You guys! I came up with this movie! It's a long story, but allow me to explain it in excruciating detail! You see, there's this girl. She's in high school. There's two boys. A jock and a nerd. The JOCK is this super cool guy, but he's not that sharp. The NERD is not cool at all, but he's super smart! The girl has to make a decision between the two, creating conflict-
LUCAS: Are you KIDDING me?! You're supposed to be dead! Why?! Oh my- Ugh! No! No! No!

         (And Lucas, in a fit of extreme rage, destroys the set indiscriminately while repeating things like "No!" and "This is stupid!")

         (At the end of the fit of rage, Lucas yells...)

         LUCAS: It's over! It's done! No more! Good night, everybody!

         (Everyone runs away but Lucas. Lucas walks off stage and exits through a door that leads to the theatre's exit. LUCAS's player gets back on stage through whatever door necessary to do curtain call.)

         (END OF PLAY.)