Wrath’s Kiss of Revenge

A maid-of-honor seeks to exact revenge by ruining a wedding.

Wrath’s Kiss of Revenge

WC: 1985

When the ring bearer and flower girl reached the front of the church, the organist concluded playing the processional. In the dramatic silence that followed, the maid-of-honor, Madison, winked at the groom, Brad.

It delighted her to see him waiting nervously at the altar for his bride.

You think you have the jitters now, you jerk, just wait. I’m going to make you squirm. Maybe then I can stop feeling like your castoff.

Madison’s plan didn’t have the benefit of a test run like last night’s wedding rehearsal. Her planned ‘surprises’ would succeed or fail based on luck. Since she was in the wedding party, she could arrange several pranks when no one needed her. Looking at the union candle on its table, she smirked at one of her favorites.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Brad turn his head to follow her gaze. He cocked his head and gave her a questioning raise of his eyebrow. Raising both of hers with a smile was the only answer the rat would get.

Oh, my sweet lover, you look a tad anxious now.

He ought to be. Wasn’t he the one who accused her of being vengeful over trivial things?

Well, Bradley, let’s see how you handle a few of your own trivial inconveniences.

Rustling in the crowd at the back of the church drew Madison’s attention to the wide doorway. There stood Emily, the bride, and her father, arm in arm. The organist filled the sanctuary with a blast of the ‘Wedding March’, and the elegant bride started the stately procession down the red-carpeted aisle.

Emily had been Madison’s neighbor and friend since elementary school despite their being as different as honey and jalapeños. Emily attracted people, while people avoided Madison. Madison had moments of jealousy, but Emily was like a sister to her.

Oh, my sweet Emily, you snake in the grass; I remember well the time two years ago when I realized your double-cross.

Brad and Madison were living together, and Emily had come for a visit. Brad made a fool of himself fawning all over Emily. It was disgusting. He moved out shortly afterwards. A year later, she heard that the two people she’d been avoiding were dating.

When Emily asked her to be her maid-of-honor, Madison was dumbfounded. She thought Emily was setting her up for some kind of humiliation. But no. The guileless Emily acted as if she really didn’t know what she had done to egg Brad on? Could she have misinterpreted Emily’s behavior? Well, even if it was all Bradley’s doing, it was an opportunity for her revenge upon both. She accepted the invitation and began scheming.

Emily’s father kissed her and passed her to Brad. The music stopped, and the priest began the service. It all went smoothly: the welcome and the introduction. Then came a prayer during which a cell phone rang. A unified intake of breath from everyone echoed in the chamber. It rang again. People looked around. The ringing didn’t stop.

Madison’s body shook, and she had to cover her face with both hands. Emily looked over at her. Would Emily think Madison was horrified instead of suppressing laughter?

Midway back, a gray-bearded fellow hurried to the confessional and retrieved a phone from the priest’s side. Studying it for a moment, the man poked it and ended the call. Looking around at the faces in the pews, he turned to the priest and held it out to him.

At the front, the priest got a twinkle in his eye and said, “Ah, my direct line to the Boss upstairs. The reception is terrible here. I’ll have to call Him back later.”

The audience laughed, except for Brad. He looked at Madison with a frown.

She shrugged her shoulders. Sweetheart, how could I have done that when I’m standing right here?

But she had.

Madison had tried to time the salesman’s callback during the exchange of vows. He’d dialed her burner phone a bit early. He must have been eager to sell the living room set she’d pretended to be interested in. Still, what a hoot.

After the exchange of vows and rings, it was time to light the unity candle. Madison watched the couple approach the candle’s table, her smile rehearsed. Her bouquet trembled in her hands. They lit their separate tapers.

Let the fun begin.

Each taper flame touched the unity candle’s wick, but it didn’t light. After a few seconds, Brad whispered something to Emily, and the couple pulled their tapers away. He straightened the wick with his fingers, then rubbed them together with a puzzled expression.

Gosh, Lover. What’s that slimy stuff on the wick?

The couple tried igniting the unity candle again.

Madison’s grin deepened. She could taste their humiliation. Turning to the bridesmaids, she said in a stage whisper, “I hope this isn’t a bad omen for their marriage.”

Emily looked at Madison in shock.

Madison mouthed an exaggerated ‘sorry’, but she hoped her opinion went viral.

The priest moved to help the couple. After a few more attempts to get the Vaseline-covered wick to ignite, he whispered something, and they returned to the altar to continue the ceremony.

The priest said, “The love you share burns brighter than any candle can show.”

While the guests applauded, Madison rolled her eyes.

The ceremony continued smoothly from then on. They exchanged vows and placed wedding rings on fingers. The priest held his hands over Brad and Emily’s heads and said a final blessing. The couple turned their smiling faces to the audience.

“May I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Bradley and Emily Thomas.”

The organist played Handel’s “Hornpipe,” and the couple, followed by the wedding party and guests, strode down the aisle and over to the church’s Fellowship Hall for the reception.

Madison wrinkled her nose when she entered the hall beside Brad’s older brother, Seth, her groomsman escort. A faint stench of rotting chicken blood and diverse meat scraps assaulted her nose. She’d hoped her anonymous gift-wrapped present to the couple would have been stronger, but she was pleased. It was definitely noticeable and offensive.

Brad’s father approached and asked Seth to follow him, and off they went, leaving her standing alone in the middle of the room.

How rude!

Looking around, she joined a group of former neighbors. She watched with disappointment as the groomsmen loaded the gifts into large plastic bags and took them away. Gifts are supposed to remain until the reception is over. Brad’s father, or someone with a good nose, must have determined the source of the odor and, even worse, an effective solution.

Rats!

She’d hoped the rank smell would drive guests away early, before the dinner was served. But, her revenge would still work out, since she had called the caterer the week before pretending to be Emily and reduced the food order by fifty people. Looking around the hall at the large number of guests, she smiled. How embarrassed Emily would be when the food ran out.

Let them eat cake!

Mrs. Chandler, who’d lived across the street, said, “You’re smiling. I too think the wedding was beautiful.”

Sadly, Madison said, “The reception is going to be a problem.”

Her neighbor looked alarmed. “What do you mean?”

“The caterer messed up. There won’t be enough food for dinner.”

Mrs. Chandler left to join Emily’s parents. Then all three headed for the caterers.

The hive is buzzing now!

Satisfied her prank was triggered, she drifted over to the punch bowl. Someone had set up the punch, mints, nuts, and large wedding cake on the same table. She noticed a circle of chatting guests blocking the ornate cake from the rest of the room’s view. This gave her an impromptu idea.

Two teenage punch servers were busy looking at pictures on a cell phone. Madison picked up a clear plastic glass and bumped the ladle handle hooked over the bowl’s edge, causing it to disappear under the opaque lime surface.

“Ladies, may I have a glass of punch?”

They jumped eagerly to serve her but couldn’t find the dipper.

“Perhaps you both should go into the kitchen and find another one?”

Off they went, leaving Madison and the punch alone. From her clutch, she drew a salt-filled bottle, and emptied it into the bowl. Now that she had set up her planned stunt, she started her unplanned one.

She scooped her empty glass into the bowl and filled it. From there, she moved to the cake and turned her back on it. Reaching behind with the cup, she tipped her green drink down the white tablecloth skirt. A glimpse behind was disappointing. The result wasn’t powerful enough.

With the cake still hidden behind her back, she used the cup to scoop a chunk out of the front side of the cake’s bottom layer. After dropping the cup filled with cake, she kicked it under the table to hide it. Returning to the punch bowl, she waited for the girls to return.

“Why did you do that?” a woman asked loudly.

Madison whirled around to face the group standing in front of the cake table. All of them looked furious. But one, a sophisticated, middle-aged woman, pointed her finger at Madison. The room hushed.

The woman spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear. “Look at the cake!”

Around the room there were gasps, and “Oh, no’s.” The damage to the cake was visible throughout the hall.

“I didn’t do that,” said Madison. “I’ve been here waiting for some punch.”

“Yes, you did! I’ve been looking at that cake since I was standing here. It didn’t look this way until after you stood in front of it.”

At the head table, Emily’s face was one of pain. “Madison?” She asked in disbelief. “Why?”

Brad’s expression was fierce. “How can you be so malicious?”

Emily walked toward her lifelong friend while Brad followed behind.

Madison looked desperately around the Fellowship Hall for a sympathetic face. Her deeds of revenge and punishment had stunned or outraged everyone. From now on, she knew she’d be a pariah. Well, she would never forgive them either.

“I hate you all!”

With the speed of an alligator strike, she grabbed a plastic glass, plunged it into the punch, and pulled back to throw the beverage into Emily’s face. Brad was as fast as a parrying sword. He blocked her arm, and cold, green punch rained onto her head and shoulders. She screamed in frustration, turned, and rushed out of the Fellowship Hall.

Moments later, Madison’s parents broke the frozen atmosphere by hurrying after their daughter.

Brad spoke into the rising tumult of voices with raised arms. “May I have your attention?”

People around the room shushed until everyone was silent again.

“I’d like our memories to contain only what a wonderful wedding we had here today. One filled with feasting, dancing, joy, and love. Can I count on you to help us all build such memories?”

Several said yes, followed by a round of applause.

“Please take a seat.” Brad said, “Can someone start the music? Servers, are you ready for us to line up?”

“Yes,” said the head server. “A last-minute gift from your old neighborhood has added BBQ meats and sides to the menu, too. We have quite a feast for you all.”

Brad said, “That’s outstanding! Father Dan, can you say the grace?”

Minutes later, Emily and Brad led their guests through the food line. Seated at the head table, Emily said, “I just don’t understand Madison’s hostility.”

Brad turned in his seat and took both of her hands. “Please erase Madison’s spiteful actions from your thoughts. Remember instead how easily they turned into humor.” Letting go of her hands, he cupped both sides of her face.

Many guests tapped their beer bottles and plastic glasses, and the newlyweds kissed, becoming their own unity candle.