Croutons of Destiny

Because salad isn't as important as space travel.

I was eating a salad when a complete stranger walked up to me. "You know what's really good?" they said. "Croutons with chocolate, coconut and almonds. I cheat and buy these prefabricated things called Mounds. Then all I have to add is the garlic flavored, toasty goodness."

I paused mid chew; "What planet did you come from?" I had meant the statement as a brush off. Instead this intrusive person took it as a new talking point.

"What gave me away?" Their tone wasn't sarcastic. They sat eyes twinkling with curiosity.

I counted off the reasons on my free hand. "First nobody in their right mind walks up to someone they don't know, clearly eating lunch, and starts talking about candy bars and croutons. Second, who calls Mounds 'prefabricated things'? Nobody from planet Earth."

This random busy body looked down and twiddled their thumbs. "I'm sorry," they said. "I assumed from this planet's digital content that sharing things you call 'life hacks' and food advice was how you started conversations. That appears to be the majority of things shared through your global socialization networks, I'm on The Book of Faces, Picture Talk and that one that used to have a pictogram of a bird but now appears to be a simple symmetrical character that is also used in some of your planet's mathematics."


Maybe this guy was one of those Savants or on a Spectrum. Had they escaped an institution? I should probably keep them talking. "Uh-huh," I said. "So I think you mean you're on a lot of Social Media. Well maybe you just need practice with real people. Anyways what's your name?"

"I can't give you my real one," they told me. "It requires the use of my chromatophores. Such an action would ruin my disguise. Just call me Todd."

I couldn't tell what gender Todd was. "So what do you identify as?"

"To you I am Todd. My species doesn't think like yours. So I am just Todd."

A very pregnant pause passed between us. I looked for anyone to rescue me from this conversation. The employee behind the counter was on their phone texting. Most of the customers were focused on their food or in their own world. Looks like I'd just have to endure Todd in all their idiosyncratic glory.

"Okay then," I said. "So, why'd you interrupt my lunch?"

They leaned forward in their seat and began stage whispering. "I need to find an ambassador from your planet to my people," Todd confided. "My internal scanner and integrated search engine suggests you are the top candidate. Wow, thats a fun word, I can break it down into three words can did ate."

Todd reminded me of a friend I had with ADHD. They seemed to be having trouble staying focused. They looked out the window as a robin flew by. I tapped Todd on the shoulder. "Hello? We're talking here," I said.

"Right," Todd looked very business like. "So the voyage will be long but I will make sure you're comfortable. Um, sorry, what was your name?"

"Rachel, Rachel Mitchelson."

There was no way this person was really an extra terrestrial. Maybe not a socially savvy individual, a little eccentric, I sure hoped they weren't dangerous. How long should I play along? I had no idea. Whatever, I'd call the cops if things got out of hand.

"Well, Rachel Mitchelson, do you accept the ambassadorship?" Todd stared at me while they waited. It was unnerving, did they ever blink? What if I said no? Would Todd get violent? I didn't want to risk it.

"Sure, why not; I accept."

Todd smiled a face splitting grin that made my skin crawl. The chairs we were on sunk into floor. No, I suppose thats not right. It was like something where we stayed solid but the restaurant and rest of the world faded away.

Reality rematerialized. I found myself laying in a pod. A transparent dome was between me and a ceiling. Todd's face wasn't visible because it was silhouetted by bright lights.

"Stay calm," he said. "The journey to my home world will be long. I need to put you in stasis gel to keep you alive for the thousands of years the sub warp journey will take."

I started screaming but ended up gagging as pink gelatinous goo filled the pod. Why the hell hadn't I expected to turn into space jello?!

Word Count: 738