All four of my daughters were vets from the moment of birth. They were all born while I was on Active Duty, were born in Army hospitals, and bounced back and forth between the U.S. and West Germany with their mom and me (the eldest ones more than once).
Ouch. Too real for me today. I was homeless years ago and Montana has a high vet population struggling with personal issues. This literally could be today's headlines here.
My comment is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE POEM
The poem is a nice tribute to a military mother.
WHAT I LIKED
I can totally relate to this poem having served in the military myself. There are often times one worries and finds things to pass the time, but their loved one is never far from their hearts.
STRUCTURE
This is a villanelle. A villanelle is a highly structured poem with 5 tercets and ends with a quatrain. There are 2 repeating rythmes and 2 repeating refrains. The poem followed the structure. I thought the repeating refrains were very respectful and reverent. There's a nice rythme and flow when spoken outloud.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Good use of WDC ML to increase font and make easier to read on the website.
DESCRIPTIONS
I liked: With steadfast devotion, she prays to relieve the anxiety" The description draws up a visual of a mother, prayerful, with a holy book, or a passage, heart on their sleeve, looking to find peace. It's a great description and taps into somber emotion well.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The opening engages the reader. The title is a nice fit for the poem. Good luck in the Bard's Hall Contest.
Beneath blue skies,
soft waves caress the shore,
and attitude begins to soar
as ocean breezes croon,
while puppy chases butterflies
across the rolling dune--
routine's demise.
One of the gems found in Viola Berg's Pathways for the Poet, the Star Sevlin was devised by Lillian Mathilda Svenson to form a star when centered on the page. The structure consists of seven lines with syllable counts of 4, 6, 8, 6, 8, 6, 4, and a rhyme scheme of abbcaca, as demonstrated in the following links:
Hokku, 発句 (opening or starting verse) is the introduction or beginning verse of the Renga or Renku, a linked communal poem. As far back as the 13th century Japan, poets would gather to write a Renga in a kind of poem writing party each poet contributing verse in a linked fashion. Originally, as a complement to the host, one of the guest poets would write the hokku. The purpose of the hokku is to record the logistics of the gathering, when (season, month and/or time of day), and where (natural setting). By the time of Basho 16th century, the hokku could be found as a stand-alone poem.
It is the precursor of the haiku that came into popularity a bit later. It is this hokku rule of time and place that was carried over into the later haiku which established naming a season with images of the environment as elements of the traditional haiku.
The elements of the hokku are:
1. syllabic, 17 syllables or less. (onji or sound-symbol for which there is no exact translation in English, the closest we can come is syllable)
2. commonly written in 3 lines often broken at 5-7-5 syllables.
3. names the season, month, and/or time of day as well as the location where the Renga gathering occurs. All of the above can be named through symbols of the season etc.
3. usually written by a guest poet.
ふうりうの初やおくの田植うた
fūryū no hajime ya oku no taueuta
beginnings of poetry—
the rice planting songs
of the Interior
~~Basho translated by Shirane
If I were the guest poet writing a hokku in this time and place, (summer in Northern California) I could write a hokku something like,
shade of giant tree
lacy shadows cool poets
summer parasol
---jvg
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