%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
A new blog for a new me. My thoughts when I need somewhere to write them down. |
|
MIDNITE JOURNEY     Unfortanetly, my rising star sponsor is no longer a member of the community, but she will always be a friend and will always be in my heart for all she did for me and others here. Thank you stacylynn! Take a journey with me as I pen what comes to me in the darkest of the hour. Stay awhile, leave a comment or just read. Either way, I hope you get something out of what I may write here. Thanks for visiting. |
| I've been away so very long. My apologies to those who may have worried or at the very least, missed me. I've completely forgotten how to do anything on this site. Looks like I will be starting off as a newbie all over again. It's fine really, because in most ways I am a newbie. So much has changed, good and bad. So many things going on, but nothing interesting, just day to day life. I honestly had no intentions on renewing my membership today. I was going to wait, but as in most of my decisions lately, I said, "Fuck it." So here I am. My intentions today were to show my daughter this site, as she is taking bigger steps to becoming a writer. She's young still. Still too young to write about what she knows. I hate that saying... write about what you know. I was told that when I began writing poetry in my teens. I get it, but who are you to tell me what I know? You've never walked in my shoes, experienced MY life. Anyway... I purchased my membership, so here I am. Still without inspiration. No thoughts at all about what to write, except this entry. So now what? I'm not making any promises. I see so much has changed, not really on this site, but rather who is still here and who is not. It saddens me. I thought it would be like old times. It's not. I'm down to 7 fans, but maybe that's all I had before I left, I don't remember. I do see or rather don't see quite a few names I used to years ago, and let's face it, nothing lasts forever. I know that, as do you. Unfortunately I can not say I have grown as a writer in these years that have passed since I was last on. Too much daily living has gotten in the way of that. I have more experience in life, that's it, that's all. My children are much older and have their own interests, likes, the whatnots. Fortunately, my daughter caught the writing bug, which is why I'm back here. As well, my fiance, is a self published writer, working on his second and third books at the moment. I was hoping visiting this site would maybe spark something, but as of yet today, just like the years passed, there is nothing. I went through my port, which is another reason I renewed my membership. It, of course, has been locked all this time. I began reading some of my writings, and I know I'm going to catch grief from someone reading this entry, my writings, for the most part, suck. Yes, indeed, suck. I remember a time when I was avid on this site, where if I got a negative review, I'd say how dare you. Now it is, how dare I. I've always been able to give and take criticism, especially in my line of work as a cook. You have to in order to evolve. Same within writing. It helps, I suppose, to step back for a bit and come back with a fresh set of eyes, more experience in life. Whether it gives me inspiration, I do not know, but I do know I can criticize my own work with honesty. I, for sure, am not looking for anyone to tell me we are our own worst critic, I know that. I've always been that in every artistic aspect of my life, both business and pleasure. So save that comment, please. I truly mean to say that after reading some of my writings today, I can only grow from here. I hope. |
| So, much like my last blog I posted 'venting about something in the news,' now it's a scroll through facebook. Now, of course, it's facebook, so I know not to believe everything I read on social media. but I just so happened upon an article that while I don't know is true or not, the subject matter is very real. Too real and too saddening, as well as well it pissed me the fu&& off is what it did and then what did I do? yea I started reading the comments people were adding to it. Anyway, this is a short recap on the subject itself. Basically, it was a story, supposedly non fiction, about a girl who was threatened by a boy because she said, "no." The story, and I wont go do a word for word on this, basically went like this: A girl was threatened by a boy in school because she kept telling him no when he would ask her out. Apparently they shared three periods together throughout the day and in each class the boy would ask the girl out in every class, basically harassing her. For a while this went on, day in and day out. She would always tell him no, she was not interested, she had a boyfriend, etc. but he just wouldn't accept it. Finally one day in their second class together he told her that by their seventh period class she had better say yes because on this day he had brought a gun to school and threatened to shot her if she said no one more time. She told the teacher, principle, councilor and they searched his locker and indeed found a gun. And they arrested him. Crazy right?! It doesn't end here though. Most of the school, even some of her female friends, blamed her for what might have happened. If she'd just said yes, gave him a try, what would it have hurt to go on one date with him? He would never have come to school with a gun and threatened her life. ARE YOU FOR REAL PEOPLE?! You blame her for what he was capable of doing because he couldn't handle rejection?! How insane... Then I started reading the comments. One blamed Muslims, others blamed females in general because we females have no idea what it feels like to be rejected. Wait what?! I've been rejected NUMEROUS times in my life, but not once did I threaten a guy or to commit suicide because of it. There are plenty fish in this big ass sea! Then there was another that said he had only ever heard of such a thing happening in America and wanted to hear from other people in other countries if it was happening there too, of course its not just an American thing! People from all over chimed in with stories of their own either hearing about it, witnessing it or experiencing it. Another women commented her story of how she stayed in a relationship for 5 years out of fear because he first threatened his own life, then her life, then her families life if she ever left. A guy actually commented to her that he felt sorry for her because all she had to do was get a restraining order against him and leave him. He said she wasted all those years when she simply could have just left... Seriously?! I know there are a lot of people who feel the same way in this situation, but you don't think about other possibilities, not like a woman in fear does. If he cant handle rejection and you're already in an abusive relationship with him/her, you fear what he is capable of if you do leave. Okay, say he beats you, but you are still alive. If you leave, how far is he willing to go once he feels he has lost you for good? I've heard too many stories of women leaving an abusive relationship just to wind up dead because the abusive partner had nothing else to loose. Am I saying the abused should stay in the relationship? Hell no, but I am saying I understand why. A restraining order is just a piece of paper and if they weren't scared enough to threaten you the first time, what's a piece of paper saying to them except stay away from this person or else. Or else what? They go to jail because they weren't scared of that when they made the threats in the first place?! Come on! Another woman posted about how her 14 year old daughter was murdered for this exact same thing. She told a guy no. The people who commented to her were nothing but sympathetic, which was cool to read. Then there were others who brought up other scenarios such as a woman being to blame for her being raped because of the type of clothing she was wearing, the smell of her cologne, the size of her breasts, the color of her eyes, her hair... on and on. WTF?! REALLY?! Since when, and I'm supposing since forever, does a woman not have the right to say no? Just plain no?! No other explanation like, I'm already in a relationship, I'm gay, I'm blah blah blah. Just NO should be enough and they should never be blamed for anything bad that happens to them or could have happened to them. People need to start taking the blame for their own actions, their own choices, no matter what or who or how another person responds to them! If you rape someone it's not because of how they look or smell or walk or talk. Its because you made that choice to rape them, to murder them, to beat them! YOU DID THIS! This shit sickens me and to actually read how women would blame another woman sickens me even more... What if it were you or your mother, daughter, grandmother??? Would you still lay the blame on the victim?! Bet not... |
| I'm unhappy alone Yet I'm happier alone I'm a fucked up mess Yet no one else needs to know Most days I wish I didn't have a soul Just an empty shell of a body, emotionless So that I wouldn't have to pretend anymore I could just exist. |
| I opened my tablet and I don't have a home page set for my explorer, it just shows the news, so bored as I was, I scrolled through and I saw something that perked my interest. This girl, back in July of 2014 basically told her long distance boyfriend to go ahead and kill himself. From what I've read they only met in person a few times and when they first met, they had both been dealing with depression. Not a good mix, most times, but sometimes it can work... Apparently, the boy, 17 at the time of suicide, had attempted suicide numerous times. They mostly communicated through text messages and social media. Well I feel like the conviction she has been handed is not sever enough, but that's just my opinion. And I'm about to explain why I feel like its not sever enough. She was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, which goes with what she did. Its actions or wantons or reckless conduct or recklessly fails to act. Her sentence, in my opinion, will never be satisfying. She was 17 at the time of his suicide and she is now 20. There are 3 different sentences the judge could lay down for her and the first is what I hope he chooses. It's the most sever of all the but still not enough in my opinion. It will have her going to an adult prison for a maximum of 20 years. The other two are basically sending her to a juvenile correctional facility until the age of 21. remind you, she is now 20... Okay so my problem is this. She supposedly loved this boy that she told to go ahead and kill himself. She send numerous messages to him supporting that he continue on with his plan to commit suicide by filling up his truck with carbon monoxide and when he text her and told her he was scared, she told him t get back in the truck. Did she ever at any point call 911, or any adult, or tell anyone his plans? No. She supported his decision. She egged him on. I don't know what the story was behind why he wanted to commit suicide, again, remember he's tried numerous times, which means numerous times he either failed or someone intervened. He wasn't handed that opportunity this time. She was the only one who knew, and she kept it that way. Maybe he just needed medication, or a stronger dose or hell someone more incorrigible to talk to besides her. But no, she chose to tell him to go ahead and end his life, knowing that he could never come back from it, that she'd never see him again, that everyone that loved and cared about him and vice-versa would never see him again. How does someone do that? Her lawyers and doctors blame a drug she was on, Celexa. It's a SSRI and what they're saying it does is it disrupts the frontal lobe function that controls empathy, good decision- making, and the ability to feel love and wisdom. Now why on Earth would a doctor prescribe such a drug to someone who is already having mental issues? I mean what sense does it make to prescribe a medication to someone who is already making bad decisions, or is depressed, feels no love? Yes I blame the doctors who put her on these meds, but at the same time, reading what she said in her messages and then having conversations months later to a friend describing what the conversation with him was, I also feel that if she was on these meds or not, she should have known that when ever anyone is telling you that they want to die, you get them help, you don't tell them to go ahead. WTF?! As well, her attorneys are claiming that he would have committed suicide whether she had supported him or not. Once again, this was not his first attempt. And what happened the previous times that he did not succeed? Did someone else intervene? Did he not go all the way through with it, because like this time, he got scared? The also bring in the freedom of speech here. Should she be punished for recklessly telling someone to go ahead and kill themselves, even after they told her they were scared, which to me seems like they didn't want to go through with it any more, or should she be allowed to walk free because we have the freedom of speech. I don't know, if it was my child telling someone they wanted to kill themselves, then maybe changed their minds, I'd pray who ever was on the other side of that phone would call someone for help. And if my child went through with it, I'd say fuck the freedom of speech because it did cause reckless conduct, and send her ass away for as long as it takes till she was no longer a threat and then some more time because I would never get my child back... I'm just really blown away with this story. I'm confident that this girl had no remorse for her actions and would be a threat to others if she were to be released into the public without any kind of help or punishment. The next person that comes along and tells her they want to end their life, I'm certain she'd hold the rope, gun, needle, whatever... Again, these are just my opinions and I had to vent about it. I wanted to link the story to this blog but it wouldn't work. if you don't know the story, I'm sure its on the front page of your newspaper or on the news feed of google, internet explorer or whichever you use. It shouldn't be hard to find. The girl's name is Carter. . https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1350098721704986&id=100001146135140 |
| For the 48-Hour Challenge: Media Prompt Return To Innocence There was a time when we all believed in tooth fairies, unicorns, and fairytales. We'd have the sweetest dreams in our slumbers at night and wake smiling, ready to take on a new, exciting day. We'd play cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians. We'd play dress up, have pretend tea parties with our imaginary friends, and plan our one and only wedding to Prince Charming someday. When did the days of our innocence end? Did we just wake up one morning from a nightmare instead? From then on our Worlds, our views, of life somehow flipped on us. Suddenly, the tea parties became mandatory meetings at a job we hated showing up for. Prince Charming became someone we would look for, for eternity, till we realized he lived in a castle, on a hill top, somewhere in the past. Cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, became drug dealers and gang members hanging out on street corners hustling and killing each other over whos block was whos. Allowances permitted us to buy candy and save for that much anticipated toy we'd had our eyes on forever, but ended up getting for our birthday, instead. Now we work at a job we can't stand, to pay bills we don't want, but need. At the end of the month scrapping up pennies for the one extravagant meal at the drive thru McDonald's, on our way home, because more of our attention was needed there, adulting. We built forts out of blankets in the living room and cardboard boxes in the back yard, (because blankets weren't permitted outside). We'd play soldiers in them or play house, the ideal families in every one. Now we pay mortgages or rent for years and years to a house that still isn't big enough for everyone to have their own room, yet so big it takes a whole day to clean. We fight over blankets in the middle of the night, usually ending up with only a corner to cover a bare foot or shoulder. Our biggest decisions back then were about which flavor lollipop we wanted, which was better, chocolate or vanilla ice cream, and who was going to be picked first in a game of dodgeball. I could go on and on with this. Writing about this has taken me back to my days of innocence and though I wouldn't change anything, for fear of altering my present or future, I'd love to go back, sit at a table somewhere and watch my younger self. I know I'd smile and laugh till it hurt, but at least for a few brief moments, I'd be innocent and carefree again. |
| So after writing the poem the other day and actually having more than 2 days off from work, I started several writings today. A poem, a prose, just a write on a relationship I'm in or not in or whatever it is, will be, and a short story. I'm pretty happy with myself and I hope that I will continue at least with the short story. I did have to go look for a story starter, but hell at least I'm writing and its all a start to something I've missed doing very much. I know I won't have the time for reviews like I used to at least not for awhile yet, but at least I'm getting back into what I joined this site for to start with, writing. I really don't care about reviews any more. When you stop getting them because you aren't an avid member here like you once were, it just doesn't matter any more. Its a place for me to keep my writings all in one place for now, because I have been going through too many laptops and such lately. So anyway, yay for me and writing again! |
wow I actually just sat here and wrote a poem! 
 I've had a lot on my mind lately good and bad and all in the same subject. yea confused again huh? same here. you're not alone. I'm definitely not sure if I should share it with the one I wrote it for because it's dark and depressing and that's not at all how he makes me feel. this is what I do to myself... Shhh. Whisper..... Proud member of Rising Stars Showering Acts Of Joy ** Image ID #1727521 Unavailable ** Seekers Of The Unknown  Know someone who needs a smile or some encouragement? Send them a shower from "Invalid Item"  by A Guest Visitor ! |
| So... It's been forever since I've been on this site, let alone, written, but in the same day, I did them both! I don't know how many people still read my blog, if any, so guess I'll find out today. I'm not interested in posting my poem that I wrote a few days ago, simply because it's not that great, but it is a start. One I haven't had in a looooong time. It comes from experience and who knows, maybe one day, it will turn into an erotica story... Enjoy, or not I could fall for you hard. It would be so easy to do, but I enjoy a challenge, and that I have found in you. You bravely think you can mold me. Determined to have me trying new things, I, myself, have never been willing, but who knows what tomorrow brings? You've promised to never make me cry. Not out of anger at least, But with gut wrenching laughter or, Maybe even beneath the sheets. You joke about me being bi, Yet I have a feeling I could make you jealous If I ever gave it a try. 😜 So, be careful what you wish for, Never know what the future will hold If you're not ready for this challenge, Stop pretending that you are that bold! Shhh. Whisper..... Proud member of Rising Stars Showering Acts Of Joy ** Image ID #1727521 Unavailable ** Seekers Of The Unknown Know someone who needs a smile or some encouragement? Send them a shower from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor ! |
| Well, well, well It's been a whole minute! Can't believe it has taken me over a year to post a blog. WOW Anyway, for anyone who might actually still be reading my blog, I went out the other day and bought the latest version of Dragon Basics. If you know what it is, cool, I need your opinion. I bought it hoping I will finally get back into writing again, because like my blog, my portfolio hasn't been touched in over a year either... I'm hoping that once I get an idea I can just speak it out. My way of writing is I usually write everything down on note paper first, then when I'm happy with it, I put it on computer. Which usually ends in me changing my entire story around, editing and thinking of a line that might sound better, but in the end, as you can tell by a lot of my writings, it's not too much better... I'm hoping to stick to my original ideas and writes. I know a lot of people tend to change or rewrite their pieces and it's no big deal, but like I said, it is to me. If you've read any of my short stories, except my erotica, all of them or most of them, are dark stories. I don't start off wanting them to be, but by the time I'm completely done and hit the submit button? DARKNESS ughh So has anyone tried Dragon or something similar? I'd really appreciate a run down of what you think. Pros? Cons? Thanks much in advance and wish me luck! Shhh. Whisper..... Proud member of Rising Stars Showering Acts Of Joy ** Image ID #1727521 Unavailable ** Seekers Of The Unknown Know someone who needs a smile or some encouragement? Send them a shower from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor ! |
| I miss him more than I should. Hell we were together for 3 years, it's common, even if he did hurt me. We had our good times too, more than bad, but I've gotta move on. There are too many reasons why I have to let him go. If he would have seen he needed help and actually went to get it instead of making excuse after excuse, maybe just maybe we could have worked things out. But no, he was okay. IT was okay to hurt me if I wronged him. WRONG! But God I miss him. I miss talking to him, venting, even a little arguing. I miss looking at him kiss his kids and hold his baby girl like there was no one else in the world at that moment. I feel sorry for our kids. I want to cry very time I look at them and think of him. I know he'll never see them again and vise versa. It's sad I always knew this day would come. I knew we wouldn't last. He wouldn't allow it. There were just too many things wrong with both of us. I'm not perfect, I had my issues that were hard to get past, I know this. I know there are things I said and did that made him mad, but instead of talking about it, he let it build up till it exploded, and then, he'd explode. I want to cry so much, but I tell myself not to. I need to be stronger, I need to move on. There are too many things that have to be worked on rather than my loneliness. I also wonder too often how he is and I shouldn't care... but... I do. He's where he belongs because of what he did to me. He has to learn you can't hurt people because you're angry. And angry over stupid shit at that. It wasn't worth it. He knows it, he said it himself. I know it too. But, I still miss him, damn it. I still miss him.... |
| I have never been one to understand how women can stay in an abusive relationship... until recently. He wasn't abusive or mean or jealous or anything like that till we had a child together, then things changed, he changed. He became angry a lot, not always though. He had his great sides. Loving, caring, compassionate, passionate, and put me before himself almost all the time. But when he got angry, HE GOT ANGRY! He became someone else, a monster who had no control over anything he said or did. I tried to be forgiving, but a person can only take so much... I wasn't perfect, I know this. He told me a million times what was wrong with me, what I did to upset him and for the most part, he was right. I did do him wrong. I didn't listen when all he wanted to do was talk. I didn't support his decisions concerning my kids and punishments. I left him here to deal with 6 kids knowing he probably couldn't handle it. But no matter how wrong I was, there was always other options rather than physically and or mentally abusing me to get his point across. The first time he hit me, I let it go, believing he'd never do it again. I told myself it wasn't that serious but I knew better. A leopard never changes their spots. I died a little inside that day. I became less loving and caring for him, but i still stayed, hoping things would change. The second time didn't hurt. I didn't let it. Otherwise I would have become a person who didn't care, who didn't love. I just became a little numb. This last time, was it. I became that uncaring, unloving person he was accusing me of being. Even though i told him i deserved what he was doing, i knew I didn't. I said it to calm him to keep him from hitting me more. To keep him from choking the life right out of me which was his intention. He is sitting in jail as I type this because i didn't deserve to be abused. I refused to let him turn me into something i'm not and never want to be. I could feel it happening and I had to put a stop to it. Do I love him? Yes, I will always love him, We spent 3 years together with plenty more good times than bad. And we suffered through the bad together. I will always love him for that. I will always love him for giving me 2 beautiful kids too. I can even forgive him again. But i can't be with him any more. I cant risk the chance the next time, and there would have been a next time, he wouldn't actually kill me. My kids come first and I must remain alive for them, if nothing else. I have 5 boys and they don't need to see a man beating on a woman. They'd become the same as him, I can't allow that. I have a daughter who should never see a man put his hands on her mother or any other female. I won't allow it any more. I understand why some women stay. There are many different reasons, mostly fear of one thing or another. But, are they not living in fear anyway? Waiting till they say or do something to upset him. Or for him to have a bad day at work or elsewhere. If you're going to be in fear, you might as well take the fear of the later rather than the abuse. Next time might be to late... Do I feel bad? yes, and no. I feel safe for the moment, but I'm also sad because I know he will never come back around to see his kids grow up. What do I tell them? I don't know, but i will figure it out. One day at a time, one question at a time. One step at a time. We are going to be alright. I do pray and hope he will finally see how much he needs help and i will always be there for him to lean on as he was for me when I was down and out, but I can no longer live with him. I have to stop caring about him, stop loving him in a way that 2 people who care so much for each other does. I can not and will not allow him back into my home, my heart or my kids lives. That part of us is done and over, for good. So my advise to other victims of abuse, fear not knowing what you'll do without him/her rather than fear when the next blow will come. You'll live longer, I promise! |
| Damn I finally get back and something always has me right back off again but I have to say this time it is well worth it. I now have custody of my 4 sons from their dad. He messed up grandly. And though I hate it for my kids and what they are going thru I am and could Not be any happier. I'm dealing with a lot of legal issues at thhe moment and can not find a lot of time in the day to get everything done. I just hope all of you understand that this is something I have to do first and for most. If you know me and my past I know you do. For the groups i'm a part of if you're even reading this I hope you aren't disappointed in me. I will give updates when I can. Love to you all Tanya Shhh. Whisper..... Proud member of Rising Stars Showering Acts Of Joy ** Image ID #1727521 Unavailable ** Seekers Of The Unknown Know someone who needs a smile or some encouragement? Send them a shower from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor ! |
So my last post I mentioned I found my sister and was going to get in touch with my mom and grandma who I hadn't talked to in over 8 yrs. Well I got scared and didn't call till today. My sister, God sometimes I can't stand her, told me yesterday my mom passed away two years ago. Of course I broke down for so many reasons.  I hadn't spoke to my mom in over 8 yrs. Missed 8 yrs of her life. She's the woman who gave me life and now her life is over. Most of my childhood I wished she was dead, told her "I wish you would die", and now that I'm grown and know better, she's gone. She already missed so many years of her grand kids growing up and didn't even know she had another grandchild. My kids would never know their grandma. I was ashamed of myself for letting the distance between us grow further apart than needed be. Granted we never got along and for good reasons I might add. If you've read any of my personal stories you would know why, but ultimately shes my mother, she gave me life no matter how good or bad it's been, it's all been because of her.Well anyway, my mom did not die. It was my sisters funny little way of trying to get me to call her.  NOT FUNNY! Well it got me to call after spending all day and night yesterday, trying to find my moms obituary. Never found it because... she's alive. So I called and my grandma answered. My mom wasn't there. She was at the hospital. My thoughts? My God I'm too late! There's no way I'd be able to make it there. Okay so why is she there? Having tests done. Phew! It's not great news, but it's better than what was running through my head. My grandma lost her husband some years back. This is her third or fourth hubby she's had to bury and she's healthy as a horse. I can't imagine how she's able to do it. She asked my mom to move in with her after loosing her husband and my mom did. Thank God because they both needed someone, no needed each other. My mother's health is unlike my grandma. She has had problems with her legs for I can't begin to say how many years, but long before we stopped talking. Well apparently it moved to her back. Doc's had said way back when she first had problems it was lupus or MS. Now they still don't know. On top of that she has cysts all over in her stomach. They want to do surgery. This is all I know as of now. My grandma had to let me go because my mom was supposed to be calling her. I'm to call later tonight and Gram said she wouldn't mentioned i called, so she will be surprised. I hope it will be a good surprise and not what I've been fearing. Anyway, because of reconnecting with my sister, I've also reconnected with a lot of old friends we both knew in Germany. The one time in my childhood that I was happy. I started out only looking for 2 or 3 people and I'm now up to finding 12-13 and that list grows daily because I'm remembering so many more people who touched me somehow back then. I just hope I'm just a memorable to them as they are to me. I started our own page on Facebook so we could all share our memories and it's been GREAT! So many of them remember so many good times. I never had lasting childhood friends because of the military life, saw no point in getting attached to people who would eventually disappear. Maybe now that I'm older and wiser, I'll have friends I'll want to keep in touch with no matter the distance. We are talking about a reunion, but sadly I don't see myself there. I'd love to but, real life gets in the way and there's no way we could schedule something like this to where everyone could show up, either distance, time or money is going to get in the way. Oh well at least I have Facebook and the FAAF memories page I made to keep in touch. I'm not going to complain.  I know I stated in the beginning that this blog was going to be about writing instead of personal life, but... Well these latest re-connections have got the old mill spinning and I'm sure I'll get a story or two out of it all. So in actuality, I'm not going against my own rule. |
 Last nite, right on facebook, I found my sister! Yes' my real sister. We haven't spoken since a few months after 9/11. I remember being so worried about her because she was living in PA around where the plane went down there and I couldn't get a hold of her. My family has a really bad relationship all the way around. No one basically speaks to anyone, (not that I never tried to hold us together), unless it's around a birthday or holiday. In the past ten years I haven't heard from my sister and it's been about 7 years since I've talked to my mom or dad. Anyway, I've been looking for her for a long time now searching my life and other sites that are supposed to be free (which they aren't by the way). No luck, till last night. It wasn't by fault of the sites I visited. No, I couldn't find her because I never knew her last name. She had been married 3 times before she was 22 and in the time from 9/11 till now, I had no clue if she was still in her last marriage or not. I finally found her in PA, but under her last married name and a different city in PA. Several cities in PA actually. So, now knowing her last name, I searched facebook. Her picture was the first one to pop up and I knew it was her before looking at the nme. I cried and hard, like a baby. I was shaking and weeping as I pushed send friend request and it was even harder to send her a message. What do I say??? Been a long time.. Where the hell are you? No, I wrote OH MY GOD, do you know how long I've been looking for you? I'm so glad I finally found you! Call me as soon as you get this. I left her my number and waited... and waited. I didn't sleep at all last night waiting for the damned phone to ring. It never did. I knew it wouldn't. She had no idea I had found her till she logged on to facebook. I woke up, rather got out of bed, at 8:30 this morning and waited... and waited... and waited. I logged on to facbook and stayed there, waiting. The longer I waited the more emotional I got. Then my mind started twirling with thoughts. What if she doesn't want anything to do with me now? What if her life is perfect and she can leave me out of it? The what if's and worrying drove me crazy! I was anxious and excited and scared. Finally, she IMed me, then called. My heart beat fast, faster than it ever has! I couldn't even pick up the phone! Thank God, Robert was here! I heard her in the background, she was crying too. Robert told her to hang on a second, I needed to regain my composure. I knew there was a reason I love this man. He's my rock when I loose it. Anyway, we were both crying and emotional but we were able to catch up on our lives in the last ten years, brief discussions for now, just to get the gist of it all. She's happy for a change and she's gotten her life on the right track now. I thank God for that. For the longest time while trying to find her, I started to think there was a possibility she died, and it would not have surprised me to fnd out she had. It would have killed me but wouldn't have surprised me. Anyway, we now are friends on facebook and have each others contact info so we WILL be keeping in touch! I'm not letting go of her so easily this time! Family is all we really have in this world and I'm starting to get mine back! Now, on to find my mother and grandmother, who I've heard have been living together for some years now in PA. No wonder I couldn't find my mom in Texas. Shhh. Whisper..... Proud member of Rising Stars Showering Acts Of Joy Seekers Of The Unknown |
 So I've started an erotica story, but like most of my ideas, it comes and goes. I wrote about 3 lines of it and had to quit. I was on my way to work.  So, of course, focused on my duties of a cook, I lost the inspiration for my story. Well my inspiration was at home  , but you know what I mean right? Anyway, now that I'm off work for two days, I don't have that want to write it again. For brief moments I get a little voice saying, "there's inspiration right there. Use it, damn you!" But alas, nothing. I'm not one of those writers who uses an outline or even sets up characters and all that before writing, I just start writing and I write on paper before ever putting it in my computer. Of course, it changes once I start actually putting it into a story here. My brain kicks into overdrive and the words on paper are just thoughts or suggestions to a much better write I have ahead of me. Make sense? New descriptions, even better descriptive words and emotions and such always work their way into my brain as I'm writing the final piece. Is that common? It also doesn't help that I'm shy in the area of erotica. Yes, even after writing a few, I'm still quite shy when it comes to reading it, let alone writing about it.  I worry that I say too much or what I describe sounds more pornish than erotic or it's not erotic enough. It's more frustrating than you think, believe me! Maybe I should leave erotica alone, since writing  something shouldn't be so hard or frustrating, right? Anyway, we shall see. Maybe in the next 48 hours or so, I'll get the motivation back to write even just a little more of my erotica story.  If not, I'm sure I'll be writing something, even if it's a review. Hey, that's still writing ain't it!?  |
It seems like it's been forever since I picked up a pencil and started writing. Feels good to be back at it again. I guess it's just like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it, you just loose the time or desire, then one day your muse decides vacation time is over and she starts screaming in my ear, "Hey here's a thought: Write Damned You!" And so the other day I sat and listened to my muse as she whispered to me that I needed to start writing about my experiences at work. Or rather the people I work for. So at this moment, my writings are dealing with experiences. Mostly about the Alzheimer's residents we have at the facility, but I do have other ideas in my head as well. Some are sad, some funny and some are just thoughts I'm not allowed to repeat at work, because then I would be jobless. You'll see.  I'm trying to venture away from the dark drama I was writing before, not completely, but I want to spread my wings just a little. Anyway, I'm off to write a little and read a little. Wish me luck! Shhh. Whisper..... Proud member of Rising Stars Showering Acts Of Joy ** Image ID #1727521 Unavailable ** Seekers Of The Unknown Know someone who needs a smile or some encouragement? Send them a shower from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor ! |
| I'm not new to blogging, I am starting over really, kind of like I did with my personal life. I hope that with this blog will only come my thoughts on writing and maybe an opinion or two occassionally. If you are looking for my old blog, well I put it in private where it belongs. I can not change the past nor would I want to if I could because I'd miss so much of what I have now. Join me as I begin a new journey filled with writing and some other thoughts and if you catch me whining and boohooing again, feel free, you have my permission, I beg of you, etc... to kick my ass back to this entry. I need a reminder every so often . Hell, at least I'm honest!Wish me luck and all that great encouraging stuff WDC is known for! Shhh. Whisper..... Proud member of Rising Stars Showering Acts Of Joy Seekers Of The Unknown |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Sounded pretty perfect to me!
