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Random babblings of a confused miniature writer |
| A blog/journal just to babble/dabble in to try to keep my friends up to date on my pitiful existence. |
| Well I'm getting new, much stronger glasses in three weeks. Feels good to think I just might be able to see. Got my walker exchanged. Cute little red one with a seat and a bag. I'll use it when I got a lot of walking to do. I know I need to quit beating myself up about not writing. I have the shakes so bad most of the time I can barely type let alone put pen to paper. Believe it or not what I have been thinking about doing is drawing and painting. I know I am not going to be pleased with the end product (I am no artist) but at least I can say I attempted something. Just got the inkling to write a Children's Book about mice. My muse kicked in to writing something about the first day of school. Maybe I'll see about scratching some notes on it later. Canceled out seeing Cathy anymore. I just wasn't accomplishing anything. Besides with Ds paranoia following me around in my head I don't have much to talk about without alarms going off. I wish I didn't have to see Jacob and could just see Laura and Amy but I think Laura and Jacob are a package deal. I adore Laura too much to let her go. Been putting all my money into the house this month. Haven't really bought a thing for myself. I don't care. Just wish T would stop asking me where all my money went. Got a summons to do jury duty. Took it to Jacob and he and Oncology are getting me out of it. I'd never make it past the selection process anyhow. My views are too radical. |
| I have left the house twice in the past two weeks with my Case Manager from CMH to do paperwork. D had to sternly tell me as I'm going out the door "make sure you're reading what you are signing". I just roll my eyes and ask him "why wouldn't I?". Had chemo on Thursday and it is knocking me on my ass this time. It feels like my insides, especially my muscular structure, has melted and it is filling up my legs, making them heavy and hard to manage. I'm fine as long as I don't have to move. my head feels like a bobble head doll.my eyesight is blurry. I don't want to do anything but lay around and hopefully sleep. I hate myself for not writing. I just can't get myself to put pen to paper or even try to type something. I guess I'll settle for the sporadic blog entries. |
| The past few days have been hell. D has decided to settle on me as the cause to all his ills. It has gone from "i have loose lips and CMH blew it all out of proportion" to "I purposely tried to sabotage him and T". Either choice is why APS showed up at the house last week. Now every time I head out to a CMH appointment I get the stern look, shaking finger, 'you better watch what you are saying and not talk about anything going on in the house". I've had two panic attacks this week and just wish I could cry it out; but that release valve has been broken. Instead I hide in sleep as much as I can. My walker showed up today. It is one of those no frills silver ones. I had one like it before and flipped it twice. What I need is my blue one with the seat that D hid somewhere. I have a combination hope/dread that I am going to be evicted. Tomorrow I am going to see my psychiatrist. I am about an inch away of saying "fudge it all" and closing my case. I am going to flat out ask her for an anxiety med that is going to work. IF she refuses I don't know what I'll do. I've got to sync my wall calendar with my phone calendar. I made appointments for Neurology and Eye Doctor. I have to stop putting my life on hold just because of the cancer and going through Chemo. I've been wanting to write but I don't want to work on the things I already have started. That leaves very little to do. I'll figure something out. |
| Follow up with my chemo doctors yesterday. Ordered me pain pills and a new walker. Doesn't help to get my roommates to lay off and leave me alone. Dr. also ordered me a mouth rinse but forgot to call it in to the pharmacy so now I can't get it until Monday. Everybody is on my back because my pain pill is a narcotic. Give me a break. I'm taking it as prescribed. I am so tired, and the pain pills seem to be causing more pain, not less. i don't want to die but I wouldn't mind checking out of life for a few days. |
| Sorry. They don't have guest wifi where I get chemo and I haven't felt much like writing the past few days. So many stressful things going on that I can't talk about. What I can talk about no one listens anyhow. No one wants to hear about how sick the chemo is making me despite them promising to be sympathetic. I took the day for myself today and hid in my room sleeping. I am not going to let them use me. It is getting ridiculous. I get told that I don't have to walk the dog then get yelled at for not doing it. Not to mention things are getting done that our former tenants got yelled at for. I don't know. I get told it is my house too but when I mention something that's not right I get told that I am just seeing things wrong and I should mind my own business. I feel like I have said too much without really saying anything. I'm going to see my peer support on Thursday and I feel like I can't say anything. I feel like I should be making plans to move on my own but I am so sick I need the companionship. I don't know why I keep a blog. I never have anything to say and most of the time I don't make entries. The only thing I can figure is that it keeps me writing something. |
| I'm scared. My nerves are all on edge. I can't sleep. It feels like all my nerve endings are firing. I'm stiff as a board. Nothing I do is helping. I'm in a cold sweat. I am getting my first round of Chemotherapy today. I just think about it, and I get nauseous. There's nothing left in my stomach anyways. I've had to fast since midnight. As I write this it is 3:15 am. I need to do something, but I don't really want to. I don't know any more for sure if this is a mindfulness activity. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Want to laugh? I just thought of starting the third novel in my series with Darrel and the gang in it. It is definitely laughable as I can't even finish the two I already have in the works. I am truly pitiful. My laptop just told me I needed to put commas in places in this entry. Most of them don't look right. I'm taking my tablet with me to chemo so I might add to this entry while I'm there. |
| Today did not seem real. Like something that was happening to someone else. I got my port put in today to receive my chemo. I had to be at the hospital at 9 in the morning and didn't get back home until 4. No one before today gave me any indication that this was going to take all day. So I spent most of the time flat on my back in a hospital bed. They sort of told me what was happening as it was happening but for the most part I was left in the dark. I got told two main things before I left the hospital: Be sure you call and tell Dr. Hanna that the port was successfully inserted so they can begin to schedule the chemo as soon as possible..... Do not take a shower until at least tomorrow and be sure to stay away from the port when you do.... It's fine I guess. It is just they covered my neck and both my shoulders in iodine. By the time I got home it was dry and sticky. I move my head and my neck feels almost like velcro. I don't know. I keep telling myself that my life shouldn't center around this cancer. Just when I think I got everything in hand something comes flying in from left field to screw with me. I had a driver all set that had been a gift from above, I swear. I called her and texted her and everything was going smoothly. She wasn't even intimidated when I didn't know all the details of my appointment. Today after getting home from this appointment I was told my insurance won't cover her. Stupid Humana. It would cost me $15 a trip to keep her on. DOES THE UNIVERSE EVER UNDERSTAND THAT I CAN BARELY AFFORD MY MONTHLY BILLS???? I definitely believe that money is the most evil thing on the planet. Oh well. I'm going to be home alone tomorrow. Maybe I'll have the time to relax and get a grip on things again. |
| It's sinking in. Went to a consult about what to expect during chemotherapy. It doesn't sound as terrible as what I thought it would be; but it comes close. I will be going through six three-week cycles. The first week will be one day of four to six hours of chemo. The other two weeks I will be meeting with a doctor or nurse's aide to see how I am doing. It sounds like making me as comfortable as possible as I go through this is top priority. I don't know how many times the nurse repeated for me to report any discomfort and what phone numbers to call. This is really going to happen. I am supposed to get a call on Friday telling me what time on Monday I am going to have the port put in. I am going to be having chemotherapy to shrink the massive carcinoma in my uterine area. The only thing that scares me now is that the chemo won't work. Either way I am having surgery afterwards. I hurt. I'm tired. I'm nauseous. I'm lightheaded. I don't want to do anything but lay around and sleep. |
| Catch up from Wednesday: I went and consulted with the local oncologist, Dr. Hanna. He went over Dr. Sakr's reasonings with me and that he was inclined to agree. I have to go have an echocardiogram to make sure my heart will handle the chemo, then have a port put in so the chemo doesn't damage my veins. I also have a consult with a nurse on the dos and don'ts of receiving chemo. That's all happening next week. I'm assuming the week after that I will start chemo.... They realized in the house today that I can't be doing all the crap they had assigned to me. Taking Prince out is a hazard with the steep, short back steps and the lightheadedness I've been having. So has standing outside or even just standing at the front door. Believe me I'm beginning to think I need a wheelchair. I'm debating if I might take my walker with me to my appointments next week. I'm just so tired all the time and weak. My back has been killing me. I have been throwing up for three days. My head is constantly swimming.. I just wish I knew what I could do for any of it. |
| On Monday, I spent 45 minutes waiting for a ride that was to take me to my appointment on Tuesday. Today I kept thinking it was Thursday. I don't want to know what the weekend is going to bring. This new OTC medicine I am taking is great with my pain and everything but it's been seriously screwing with my head. |
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