Hi saw this needing a review so thought I'd give you my thoughts. As always with my reviews you can take it ot leave it as it's my oown personal view on the matter.
I enjoyed reading this short story. it is well written and draws the reader into wanting to know more about this world you have brought them to. I'd like to see you expand on this storyline further as I feel it would make quite a good scifi tale. Personally I was left wondering what this planet actually was and why it reseembled so much of your character's memory, and if there were any others of the crew recognising the same.
Hi, I'm Sciwriter and thought I'd give your story a review.
Naturally anything I say in this review can be ignored if you wish as it is just my own personal view on the matter.
I do find your story rather interesting considering the way you've paced this unexpected invasion over several years. Personally I think you should expand on this further.
One thing I would advise is that when writing a story the writer should think about the opening scene. If you'd consider delving into the world of publishing this would be important as the opening needs to draw the reader in to continue reading.
Noww if it were and action scifi story I'd open with an intense battle scene or something along those line.
Of course yours doesn't feature that. Thus this is my own suggestion with this particular peice...
I start the story here...
June 3rd, 2027, was a big day for news, but no-one understood why. Four oil tankers had exploded at sea. Numerous cargo ships were lost, and cruise ships went down in the Caribbean and Mediterranean seas. An airliner exploded during takeoff at Lahore airport, and a cargo plane met a similar fate attempting to land at Mombasa.
The number of road traffic accidents worldwide went up that day by two thousand percent, and hospitals were overrun with patients suffering a range of inexplicable injuries, from cuts and burns to severed limbs and acute internal injuries. Worse still, worldwide, tens of thousands of people died suddenly and unexpectedly while going about their everyday lives.
In the United States, Japan, France, and Russia, nuclear power stations suffered unaccountable failures resulting in meltdowns and radioactive pollution.
Politically there was pandemonium; initially superpowers suspected and blamed each other until they realised everyone was affected. Terrorism and organised crime were ruled out as having insufficient resources for such global sabotage.
(Then I'd slot in the original peice...)
They came silently and largely unnoticed. Ten million of them materialised just above our planet's surface to form the lattice: a network of equidistantly positioned, grain-of-salt-sized particles, perfectly contoured to the landscape. They hung suspended at a height of between two and five and a half feet, whether above ground or water.
It wasn't the sort of invasion we were accustomed to seeing in movies or on television. No mothership, or aerial dogfighting between F-16s and alien attack vessels. No little green men, just almost invisible, tiny, unmoving crystals occupying our space four and a half miles apart. I read somewhere that if you could collect them all together, they'd fit in a five-litre bucket.
Hi, I thought I'd give a little review of your story.
Firstly I'll say that whatever my review, it is just my personal opinion and as such can be ignored in part or it's entirity if you wish.
I enjoyed this fleeting insight into your world of sci-fi, and can see the possibility of many more aventures for your characters.
One would presume that the stated nuclear destruction is of Earth?
I feel though, this story could be easily expanded on in ceratin areas,for example...
Bhab and Errl... one presumes they are human although there is no disctinctive description of them. thus I feel you could throw in a little description of these two adventurers so that readers have an inkling into what they look like. The same goes for their ship, no descripive insight into what is propelling them through space on their galactic adventures.
One thing I will say though, your dialogue is short and snappy, and rings true to the characters.
That's it, hope that wasn't too stressful, and again this review can be ignore if desired.
Hi, I am Sciwriter and have decided to review your peice. Firstly let me say, anything I say in this review can be taken or ignored as it is simply my own personal view of the peice.
Okay, let's begin.
I believe you have the beginings of a good strong story here, and should continue to expand your universe.
Personally the first obsticle I see is the opening. Although you outline your universe really well, what is needed, as is needed if you'd ever decide to publish is an opening hook, something that will draw the reader in and compel them to continue reading.
Seldom is this opening a backstory of description, a narrative describing your whereabouts as this can often lead to the reader putting your story down.
I have found in my own personal experience that with science fiction of the military kind, the better opening (the hook as it is known) is to open with an action scene. Basically throw the reader into the deep end at the start and then following with your backstory of the universe that can be metered out over the course of the story.
This in mind, if it were me, I'd have started this with...
"Listen up soldiers." Liutenant Admiral Gidion Drox' hoarse voice boomed across the vast military hanger with far more strength than anyone anticipated.
I'd then go on to give a little descripion of the admiral, not to much, just what you consider enough.
Now, dialougue... I notice other than the above peice, this next peice of dialogue is of some considerable length. This can be just as taxing to a reader as too lengthy descriptive peices. I'd suggest you chop that lengthy dialogue up by interjecting an action. By that I mean the speech can be interrupted by say a soldier coughing, which catches the atention of the admiral. you can use little things like that to break up over long dialogue.
After you've introduced your character, you can now introduce the world, galaxy, universe said character or characters will be working in. Not too much mind you, but enough to give them a feel for the overall area. Like I said previously, descriptive backstory really needs to be given over a longer period of time within the pages of your story.
That's it for now, I hope this is of some help to you. But if not, please feel free to ignore. Good luck and keep on writing.
Unfortunately I feel you seem to have missed the point in this particular round, the point being that although the married couple have been looking forward to some alone time, one is exhausted and neither has energy or enthusiasm, but you do reveal what the partner does to turn things around.
Unfortunately there is a decided lack of any real erotica in the piece as more importance has been placed on revealing what they get up to in the restaurant, information that really in my view isn't require.
The story is drawn out with the unnecessary and I feel should have been delivered at much faster pace, as the reader becomes rather bored with the read early on as there really isn't any real hook to keep the reader wanting to read on.
Fast and snappy works best with erotica or at least a strong hook in the first two paragraphs to grab the readers attention, hence the rate.
This of course is my personal view and can be ignored if desired.
A story told in the "classic" fairytale "princess and pauper" line, with the description drawing the reader into the story well with the set up clash between the main character and mother. Reminded me of a classic Arabian Knights romance type thing.
I do however have to point out that the erotic is somewhat lacking, whether this was due to the word count restriction I'm not sure, but it seems like it was thrown in at the last minute, hurried and cut short, which is a pity and hence my rate of 4.5.
I found no errors, well done and good luck in the exam.
Nicely written piece overall with the erotica handled well. However, personally I would have mentioned of Jody's age early on as not to give the impression he may be under age.
One other point, I don't think it was necessary to have uncle Jeff inquire about Laramie's last period as I think it lessens the quality a tad.
Other than that, well done and good luck in the final.
Hello, here is your assessment for lesson 6 of Erotica Exposed.
Nicely done, not only did you manage to fulfil the lesson requirement of voyeurism, but also continue with some mild domination from another lesson, and managed to give a vivid picture to the reader.
One tiny error...
“I’m sorry Mr. Hardin, please don’t be angery…” (angry)
Other than that, well done you have now completed all 6 lessons in the Erotica Expose course. It has been a pleasure, and I wish you well in your future endeavours with writing whichever genre you attempt.
By now you should have receive the link to the HSP Final Exam and I look forward to reading your entry...good luck.
Here is your assessment for lesson 2 of Erotica Exposed.
A reasonable detailed story that delivers on the visual side enabling the reader to use their "mind's eye" to visualise the situation nicely, well done.
You have delivered on the lesson requirements, although more attentions should be given to showing the change in the male character's character. We really need to see his change from a timid and meek man into this wild tempest of lust as he does the deed with the female.
I also suggest you work on creating more of a hook to the beginning of your stories, something that is needed to grab the reader's attention right from the start. beginning with the back-story of a character is never a wise move as this should come later in the tale.
Other than that I found no errors, well done with this round.
Good luck with lesson 3 which will be available Monday in the forum.
Here is your assessment for lesson 2 of erotica exposed.
See, now this is why you are headmistress of the HSP, because you write erotica so clearly allowing the reader to get right into the situation. You covered the required elements adequately, delivering both the timid and the aggressive sides although without the need for full on intercourse which is always a bonus, and the mark of a good writer.
As usual there are no errors as I have come to expect from your work.
I look forward to your take on lesson 3, nicely done.
Hello, here is your assessment for lesson one of Erotica Exposed.
Not bad, not bad at all, a little lacking on the sex side of things but then I guess I didn’t stipulate the encounter had to be full blown sex.
As usual I can’t fault you on spelling and grammar or on the content of the piece (just watch that word count lol)
You did manage to convey the scene rather nicely and draw the reader in leading to them wanting to read more to see what happens when they reach his place.
That’s it well done, no faults at all, but then I didn't expect any.
A well constructed short, delivering a glimpse into the mind of one who kills for pleasure. A night stalker intent on fulfilling his ultimate desire, and is quite calm in his intentions.
With only a few words you manage to draw the reader into his world by simple description as he thinks about his chosen profession, his hobby, his desire to end life and put it on secret display for all.
Nicely done, Eyes.
Aries.
Printed from https://web1.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aries1
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:06pm on Nov 01, 2025 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
