Ohhh, this was delicious. Atmospheric, haunting, rich with lore and exactly the kind of tale you’d want whispered at twilight beside a dying fire, clutching a wool blanket and a mug of something spiced. There’s loads to love here, and a few rough edges we can polish.
As requested, here is my review:
🍂 GENERAL IMPRESSIONS
Vibe & Voice:
You’ve nailed the tone. This is mythic and grounded at the same time. The reverence for tradition, the sense of dread, the slow building catastrophe, it all works beautifully. Feels steeped in a believable world of Celtic and pagan rites without being overwhelming for the uninitiated.
World Building:
Just enough detail to immerse without getting bogged down in exposition. Words like kirfane, Forest of Anam, Modron, and High Priestess feel like natural parts of the world. If someone doesn’t recognize Modron as a Welsh mother goddess archetype, it doesn’t matter they’ll understand she's powerful and ancient. You’ve struck a good balance.
Structure & Story Arc:
The arc is tight. We open with ritual dread, escalate to awe and anticipation, then BAM! Cataclysm. And the fallout hits hard. The pacing through the forest and ritual builds nicely, though a bit more foreshadowing of Everleigh being an outsider/“cursed” early on would really help land that gut-punch at the end even harder.
✂️ TENSE & GRAMMAR NITPICKS
You mentioned tense, wobble and yep, you’ve got a bit of that. It’s mostly present tense with past sneaking in where it shouldn't. Examples:
“It has been a month since my first bloods came.” → Should be: “It has been a month...” (this one's OK as present perfect, but you're using it like past)
“The sky was unobstructed here” → Should be “is unobstructed here”
“I winced with each step.” → "I wince..."
Also:
Watch comma splices and sentence fragments. You have a stylistic voice that’s semi-lyrical, so fragments are fine—but be sure they feel intentional.
“The sharp edges of half-l buried stones cut into the soles of my feet...” a bit long winded. You could tighten this for impact.
🧙 WITCHY LORE & SYMBOLISM
You’ve woven in elements that feel organic: sacred stones, knife, moonwater, nine runes, ancient forest. It never feels like you’re info-dumping. A couple things to consider:
The Archetypes: The concept is lovely but a bit underdeveloped. What are the stakes for the archetype she could have received? A sentence or two to tease their meaning might deepen that moment. Do they represent paths (like Seer, Warrior, Healer, etc.)? Could you show her secretly hoping for one in particular?
The Knife: Great symbolic tool, love that it was her mother’s, and the rules around blood and bonding. But the moment it’s “tainted” happens offhandedly. Consider giving that a beat or breath more. Maybe she realizes it’s bloodied before the others do.
🔥 SCENE NOTES & STAKES
Cassandra turning cold: Brilliant. The shift from loving grandmother to High Priestess is jarring in all the right ways. Cold, detached, ritual bound, it drives home Everleigh’s isolation.
The storm & destruction: Visually powerful, though the lightning part risks being a tad cinematic overload unless grounded with emotion. You could amplify Everleigh’s internal state here—panic, betrayal, awe. Let us sit in her heartbreak just a moment longer.
Aftermath: Strong emotional impact! But… your last line is GOLD, and could go harder:
“I have nowhere else to go.”
How about flipping it on its head for more agency?
> “And yet I walk. Because there is nowhere else.”
Or
“So I go. Because I must.”
Give her the faintest flicker of steel, so we know this isn’t the end, it’s the start of a very bloody, possibly vengeful second act.
QUESTIONS TO THINK ON:
1. Why was she truly rejected?
Is this a cosmic accident? A misunderstanding? A setup for a future reveal? The ambiguity works, but if this is part of a larger character arc in your novel, readers might want a hint that something else is going on—maybe she's too powerful, or her magic belongs to another path altogether.
2. Where’s the father in this lore?
You’ve built a very matriarchal world (love it), but is there a reason fathers or men are absent from the narrative? Even a line about how witches are raised communally or men aren’t involved in rites would suffice.
3. Will she get a second chance?
Obviously this is a setup, but how does Everleigh view herself now? Just shamed? Or maybe... awakened to something other than the coven's magic?
CHEEKY VERDICT
🔮 You’ve got a cracker of a scene here, witchy vibes strong, pacing solid, and emotional payoff juicy. Tidy up the tense hiccups, give us a smidge more inner voice at the climax, and maybe nudge in a hint about the true nature of her “curse” and you’ve got something ripe for publishing, or at least setting your novel ablaze with dark potential.
Happy to help with line edits if you want to polish further, or brainstorm what happens next if this ties into your main plot! 🖤
Just my thoughts. Everyone has their own style. Do what works for you.
P.S I loved it and can't wait for more!
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